You Can't Hide From It

Once you lose the innocence associated with pregnancy and having a baby, and realize that so many pregnancies end in heartbreak, nothing is ever really the same.

A woman close to me has finally succeeded in getting pregnant after nearly 3 years of fighting infertility. She's extremely high risk for failure and/or complications along her way to being full term. I am terrified for her. I know she's scared, and there's nothing I can do for her. I would do anything to shield her from this. 

Between my own losses and the losses of my loved ones around me, every pregnancy scares me. I fear for every woman who finds themselves lucky enough to become pregnant. In nearly every case I would have given anything to be in their shoes... but that doesn't allay the terror that permeates me at even the thought of getting pregnant. 

No matter how optimistic you are, after a loss or multiple losses, you can't hid from the fear. You can't hide from the knowledge that pregnancy isn't a fairy tale.  

Boiling Over

Warning- Violence, Cursing, Irrationality 

Sometimes it all becomes too much and I take my anger/frustration out on whoever the first to cross me is.

Today, I could have smashed in the face of a snotty bitchy teenager in the mall parking lot. Her over priced outfit gave away how she perceived herself, and the up-down look she gave me and the smirk told me she also made the assumption that I was of a lower class. I could have let it go if she hadn't made eye contact and made it even more clear she found me quite disgusting. It took everything in my power to get into my car before opening my mouth. Dave could tell I was angry, but with the prior two days of sadness and anger boiling over with the actions of this bitch, he had no idea. I immediately went to a violent rage filled place. I was near tears I was so angry, and felt the need to physically take my anger out on her fucking face. I made it home, and was able to calm down, but I'm angry now that I didn't say anything. That little bitch needs to know that her actions have real world consequences- I should have said something. Or even to her mother who was oblivious to everything going on. Better me, someone who would just give her a verbal lashing (even with the violent thoughts of smashing her face in with my massive snow boots running through my head) instead of someone who would have actually floored her.

I have spent the last two days doing everything in my power not to show my internal feelings of sadness and anger to keep from ruining Dave's Christmas. I wanted to be extremely angry that my LO's aren't here. They aren't ripping open presents, or playing with the ribbons, their eyes aren't shining in the glow of Christmas lights, or frolicking in the snow that fell on Christmas Eve. I'm angry. I'm very angry. I want to hurt myself to distract myself from the pain of missing my LO's.

The anger and pain only deepens when I realize how much longer I have to wait before we start trying  for a rainbow baby. Dave has to add some time to his schooling so we have to wait until he's done there. That puts us at, very least, mid 2015 to start trying. That's assuming that my uterus/ovaries don't give up by then and I loose my opportunity to have a baby at all.

If one more person tells me that I'm "young and have time" I'm probably going to sock them in the mouth. I know I'm coming across extremely violent- honestly I'm a lot of talk and little action at this point in my life. Yes I'm young, but I don't have time. Time is against me. My body is against me. I'm scared. I'm angry. I'm stressed. Being young doesn't have shit to do with having time to have a baby.

Adoption isn't really an option due to age/finances, and I honestly don't really want to adopt. Its a personal preference. I can appreciate other people making the choice to adopt, and I find it an amazingly selfless act, but I don't know if I'm that selfless. I want to experience a full pregnancy, birth, the sleepless nights, breast feeding, my babies growth... I want these things.

Every once in a while I come to a calm acceptance of being childless for my life. They're rare occurrences, but maybe as I get older and mature more it will become a completely accepted fate. I just can't accept it now.

A Snowy Christmas

The LO's (Little Ones) seem to have sent a beautiful white Christmas our way this year.

The dogs are thoroughly enjoying it, and I can't say that I'm complaining either. I adore the snow. Creates such an amazing calm. We've gotten about 8 inches with more to come in the next few days.
There's a candle burning in the window to help me feel a little calmer as the sadness begins to well up inside.

Christmas is the time of year you are supposed to spend with your family. Your parents, grandparents, children... this year it is just Dave, the dogs, and I. I would do anything to have my LO's here. 

To see their eyes twinkle in the light of the Christmas tree, throw them in the snow and have snowball fights, chase them off from shaking presents.... No matter the hardship that it would cause to have children right now, I still want them. 

If I had my way I'd be pregnant, or trying to get pregnant right now. I would love to be able to announce a pregnancy on Christmas or New Years to our families. 

This Christmas will be just like the last 5. A feeling of sadness that hovers right behind the mask of a smile to keep things happy and joyous for those around me. I fight to keep the happy present, because I don't want to ruin anyone's Christmas. Every year I take a little time (20 minutes or so) to just go cry in the bedroom/shower. I highly recommend it for any grieving parent- taking time for yourself can quite literally by a life saver. 

To all my BLM friends out there, and their families, I wish you a gentle and very merry Christmas. 

Getting Creative to Heal the Heart

Kylie's bear hasn't changed in 5 years. Not that you would expect for a teddy bear to change...
After some rough nights and tears I decided it was time for Kylie bear to get a make over. She's 5 years old, she deserves a big girl look.
So here's Kylie Bear's new look!

I made the skirt and bow myself. I'm extremely happy with how she looks! Like a princess! 

I wish I had done this earlier, maybe made a different skirt/bow for each season. Oh well. I'm glad she looks so wonderful!

From USA to Aus

Back in October when Emma was here we made prayer flags for the Christian's Beach Ceremony. Today, I finally got to see it professionally photographed by Carly Marie at Christian's Beach in Western Australia.
It blows my mind to think that, a flag I made in my living room is now on the other side of the world.
Carly Marie did an amazing job taking my mediocre flag and making it look beautiful. She's really a gift to the infant loss community. I find so much comfort in this photo. 

Perfection in the tiniest things

We had a light snow storm here the other day, and I caught this beautiful snowflake on my windshield. I couldn't get over how beautiful it was.

Tiny.

Beautiful.

Perfect.

Much like the little ones I miss you so much. 

Each little one is a perfect, unique, snowflake. 

There is only one like it, and there will never be another. 

5 years later

I had never felt emotional pain like I did 5 years ago.
Loosing my baby girl struck a nerve that I didn't even know I had.

I have always wanted a daughter. A little girl to take to dance class, have tea parties with, and read fairy tales to. That's the chance we almost had with Kylie. A chance we lost so quickly.

I'm not going to lie- losing Kylie was one of my hardest losses. My idealistic teenage mind gave me hope that this would work and I would have a beautiful little girl. Having that ripped away scared me deeply.

Unfortunately, due to finals week being next week, and Dave's work schedule we weren't able to do anything but purchase a card for our little girl. When we put up our tree this weekend I will make sure we do something special, like cupcakes or a fun dessert like we did for James.

I'm a horrible mom...

Happy Birthday Kylie.

I hope you know how much mommy and daddy love you and miss you every single day.

Eat lots of cake and enjoy your special day.

I love you.

Love,

Mommy

Lost in Communcation

I want a baby.
He wants to wait.

Its a classic battle of the sexes. And its okay. Eventually it gets worked out, because couples who want to last take time to communicate.

But I need to rant.

Every day I get on my facebook and see that my friends who are generally single mothers, or under the poverty line, or just not prepared to have a child are posting photos of their beautiful babies.

If these people, some of which I question their ability to function in society, can have a baby and survive the financial aspects then why can't we?

My intent is not to be mean, I'm just frustrated. I have seen people turn their lives completely around to accommodate their newborns and become amazing people because of it.

Why do we need to be pulling in $90k a year to have a baby?
We have a 2 bedroom apartment, a super comfortable life style, 2 jobs- are more prerequisites really necessary?

His need to be financially secure to such an extent is completely understandable. I get it.

My heart just disagrees. 

After Death

Often times you'll hear loss parents talk about how "they can't wait to see their child in heaven", or that "they'll be together in death".
I realize this is a comfort for those who believe in an after life.
For me it comes across as worrisome. I worry about these women. These are generally the women who decide to take their own lives to "reunite" with their lost child(ren).
One of the many reason's I'm so put of from religion is the idea of an afterlife. I truly believe that this is all we have, but to focus so much on death... it seems morbid.
In the thousands of years before I lived I was just random mass in the universe. It didn't hurt, it was just nothing. I find the thought that this is what happens after I die extremely comforting. No judgement, no pain if I'm not good enough, no reuniting with people I might not want to reunite with...
There are too many conflicting ideas about who gets into "heaven" and those who are doomed to "purgatory" or "hell".
If meeting your loved ones in death is what makes you feel better than fine, but it makes me concerned for you. I don't want any more of my dear loss moms to take their lives to "be with their child sooner".
This is all we get. This life right here. Live it to your best, live it without regrets. Its no more than a blink of an eye. 

I Miss Her

Its been over a month since my good friend from Australia left here to go home.
And I can't believe how much I miss her.
I haven't really written about her trip here... mostly because I'm still processing it and part of me was being selfish. I didn't want to share her- or our experience.
Now that there's been some time and I have reflected, I feel like its time for me to share the incredible experience that was spending time with Emma.

Before her arrival there were nerves, excitement, feeling unsure of what would happen.

That moment when we met in the airport... was like something out of a god damn movie. She broke down in tears, I hugged her as tightly as I could. People around us were completely unsure of what was going on between these two women standing and crying in the airport. It was the meeting I expected- I expected it to be kind of awkward. It wasn't. Not at all. It was like welcoming a sister I hadn't seen in a long time, but picking up right where we left off. I'm not someone who believes in anything but the beautiful chaos of the universe, but there was and is something there between Emma and I. A sisterhood that knows no distance from the United States to Australia.

The jet lag was a little hard on both of us, but we worked it out of course. We drank wine, and were all around pretty merry.

Prior to her arrival I thought we would spend every day talking about our little ones and crying. As we sat in silence or sharing stories of just our lives I realized that our connection went beyond just the shared experience of miscarriage. Even having lived on separate continents we shared much more.

Sure, there's more I would have liked to talk to her or confide in her about, but really it was perfect just the way it all was. We laughed, cried, and just enjoyed each other's company.

I miss her. I miss Emma a lot.

Right now I'm going through a lot and wish she was still here so I could have a confidant who knows exactly how I'm feeling. Dave gets so much dropped on him with no way to cope with it. I feel horrible.

I wish Emma was still here, I miss her. 

5 Years

It has been 5 years and 1 day since the bleeding started and we lost the first of the two babies in my womb.
I would have written yesterday, but being the day after Thanksgiving, Apple Cup, and with family in town I ran out of hours in the day.
Today, I struggle to write this. After 5 years you'd think this would be a breeze.
Life does get easier after loss, especially after 5 years.
5 years ago I thought my life was over before it had really begun.
Who knew that young women, not even out of their teens could have miscarriages?
I didn't, but now I do.
Its a little bit shocking to be 5 years out from my first loss.
Its been a lot harder to cope with than I had predicted. I've caught myself if tears multiple times, but have been able to suck it up when needed.

James, 

My darling, I can't believe its been 5 years... where has time gone? 

I love and miss you so very, very much.

Daddy and I thought about you all day yesterday, but didn't get to celebrate your time with us until today. We went down to the local cupcake shop and bought a cupcake for each of us and enjoyed them for dessert. You would have loved them. 

I hope you haven't forgotten how much I love you, and how much you mean to me. You'll always be Mommy's special boy. 

I love you.

Love,

Mommy

Birthday cupcakes!
Red velvet with WSU chocolate (in honor of Apple Cup)
and Chocolate Cheesecake
by Sweet Mutiny

One in Four

This was made for a class project, but was more healing than I can describe. I hope it brings a little awareness to the world about the issue of infant loss and how it deeply affects the women and families that survive it. Living without your child is a fate worse than death. 

CYG Day 31- Sunset

I took this photo a couple of weeks ago while I was at work. The colors were just so brilliant I couldn't walk away.

This is the end of Capture Your Grief- a month that has helped me look within myself than I could have imagined.
I have found strength and weakness, healing and hurting.
Hopefully, I have come away from this stronger than before I started.

CYG Day 30- Your Grief

I struggled for days to write this post. I don't really know what to say.
My grief is all consuming, and doesn't relent long enough for me to feel human again.

I grieve for my little one's who never got to live.
I grieve for the probable loss of my fertility.
I grieve for the family I may never have.
I grieve for every other woman and family that goes through this horrid loss.
             Especially those women I have become close to- I hurt for them most.

This is a road and pain that so many women and families feel and deal with.
How they survive, I don't know...
I don't even know how I survive.

Oree

Today, we got the confirmation that another little one had left this earth far too soon.
Tiny Oree has joined her brother, Liam, and sister, Karly among the stars.

The loss of Oree has hit very close to my heart. Probably more so than any other loss of a baby that was not my own.

I heard Oree's heartbeat, and saw her ultrasounds.

I feel sick, upset, angry... If anyone deserves a healthy pregnancy and baby it is Oree's mommy.
This isn't fair...

CYG Day 29- Music

This song has made me feel like I'm not alone in the feeling of helplessness. It is sad, but its beautiful, and calm.

When I went to look up today's prompt I was overcome by sadness that the month is nearly over. This journey has been amazing. It doesn't seem like much but it is. Especially with the recent issues with my body.
I want to thank CarlyMarie for putting this all into motion... its been a journey for so many. 

Day 28- Memories

This was the first year I did something. Previously I had tried to forget about everything. This was the turning point from attempting to forget to beginning to heal. The next year after this I sat on the planning board. My first Walk to Remember was my first big step to healing.

CYG Day 27- Art

I drew this a couple of years ago as a relief. I don't remember what was going on or why I had markers and paper in front of me, but this is what came of it.
I use photography, writing, and sketching as a creative outlet for my stress related to my grief. 

CYG Day 26- Their Age

I'm really bad with the whole counting pregnancy weeks (gestational versus actual and all that confusing crap), and since they were all early miscarriages its hard to have an exact number.
I posted Lilla at "2 weeks" because that was the time between ovulation and loss. The other three are the "age" the doctor told me after the fact. 

CYG Day 25- Shower/Blessings

This day doesn't really apply to me- early miscarriages don't get showers or blessings. We lose our little one too early for very many people to even care. My picture today is a photo I took tonight to make myself feel better.

CYG Day 24- Siblings

There are no siblings to take a photo of. 

We have no earth children,

there is no child to hold,

no baby to love,

no family to cherish every moment of.

Our arms are empty.

Get this damn thing out of me

I don't want my uterus anymore, they can just take it.
It causes me so much pain I can't stand it any longer.
Right now I'm doubling over in pain every few minutes due to horrendous cramping due to my period.
The rest of the month I deal with the random cyst ruptures that cause me so much pain that it makes me vomit.
A week before the bleeding starts, the insanity begins- thoughts of suicide, self harm, hating everything about myself. Uncontrollable emotions.
When the bleeding starts I relive the bloody experience that is miscarriage.

Today, I was told I most likely have PCOS, and that I have so many cysts on ovaries and tubes that I don't even really ovulate. My periods only come because of my birth control hormones.
Getting pregnant when we want to is going to be difficult. Our previous pregnancies were "flukes" according to the doctor. I'm not really sure how to respond to that. I've had multiple chances to have the baby I've always dreamed of and lost them all. Now what? My cysts get worse with every passing month, and without surgery they're just going to continue.
I hope the doctors wrong... I really really hope he's wrong.

Just get this damn defective uterus and accompaniments out of me. 

CYG Day 23- Their name(s)

CYG Day 22- Place of care/birth

There was no place of birth or "care" for our losses. Not with losses before 12 weeks. I went to multiple hospitals but never received more than the basic miscarriage care.
The only place my little ones knew was my body. 

CYG Day 21- Alter/Shrine/Sacred Place

We don't have any religious affiliation in our house so an alter or shrine is not something we have done to honor our losses. I do have what we call a "hope chest" that we have filled with the things that are most special to us. Candles, bears, cards, poems, and other things that we cherish.

It has a special place in our room, away from the public eye. 

They're our special little ones. 

The chest was made for us by a family friend.

I love our hope chest, its a special place I can go sit next to and go through when I feel sad.

CYG Day 20- Charity/Organization

I adore this organization- Forever Warm gave me a blanket to cuddle with every night after we lost Daniel. The work they do is amazing and brings so much comfort to so many families. As I perfect my ability to crochet I will be sending them blankets. 

CYG Day 19- Project

This is my personal project- I create online memorials for infant loss families. My goal is to create a memorial that anyone can visit to honor a child or baby that has died. My hope is that parent's are able to share these websites and give loved one's the chance to honor the child.
http://heavensnursery.webs.com/

CYG Day 18- Family Portrait

Today's assignment is a family portrait. Having lost each of my little ones before 12 weeks there are no pictures.

Just D and Me.

We are a family of 6, without 4. 

Without each other we are nothing. 

D and I keep our family alive.

Together we endure, together we cry, together we fight.

We are broken, but good.

CYG Day 17- Dates

I don't feel like this one needs much explanation...

CYG Day 16- Release

After moving to Montana I participated in my first Walk To Remember. D drove out to surprise me and was there to be with me as we, for the first time, remembered our babies.
The Walk To Remember was a beautiful annual memorial that included a candle light vigil, balloon release, and memory activity.
I was able to attend two of these before leaving Montana. I have not participated in another release since then.
Someday soon I hope to attend another memorial release. 

CYG Day 15- Wave of Light

This our personal memorial for October 15th. My dear friend, Emma and I set this up to remember not only our little ones, but all little ones who never get to take their first steps.
We decorated candle for each of our little ones (I did one for girls and one for boys) and then had a few extra candles for all little ones. We also did prayer flags that emulate the ones made for the CarlieMarie ceremony in Perth, Australia.

L: Emma's
R: Mine

K and L for Kylie and Lilla Bjorn
D and J for Daniel and James
Center candle made by Emma

Butterfly candle for all babies gone too soon 

CYG Day 14- Community

The infant loss community I am apart of is global. Every part of the world is affected by the loss of children. One of my closest infant loss friends is from Australia (and currently sitting in my kitchen!), while I work with a woman in the UK to make videos to display her work, while I have a very dear friend in Colorado. Thanks to the wonder of internet we have been able to come together to support each other when support is not available locally. 

CYG Day 13- Signal

When the snow starts to fall it feels like a signal. The earth becomes quite, the snow falls slowly, and the world seems calm.
I adore the snow. Curling up in a warm blanket, with a hot cup of coffee, and just watching the snow come down... its relaxing and it feels like a signal that the world is okay again.

CYG Day 12- Scent

The smell of candle smoke invokes sadness, but also a little comfort.
Candles are often lit as a memorial and as a comfort. Its a small something anyone can do.
I couldn't pick a single candle scent but the universal smell of an extinguished candle is my scent. 

CYG Day 11: Support

These three people have gotten me through everything. From absolute rock bottom. I love them so much and would do anything for these three. 

CYG Day 10- Symbol

Footprints are the symbol I associate with my little ones. These are the footprints on my hip, they symbolize the permanent mark left on my heart, and the steps never taken.
I have a deep connection with footprints. When my childhood dog died I made sure to take an ink print of his foot. If I'm in the woods I look for footprints. My dad used to be a tracker and taught me early on the same skills.
Footprints are important to me, and they symbolize my little ones and the journey we've been on. 

CYG Day 9- Special Place

I took this picture at Olympic Beach in Edmonds, Washington. The water was calm that night...

Olympic beach holds a couple of special memories, both sad and hopeful.

This is the beach my family walked every Sunday as a family growing up.

This is where three people I love very much died when their helicopter hit rough weather and was thrown from the sky.

This is where I escape to when I need peace.

Puget Sound is my home and my love. I adore this body of water.

Its peaceful, when the tide is out you can go look at all the little creatures, and at intervals watch the ferry go across to Kingston.

There's a nice little cafe right off the beach that serves the worst coffee.

I love this place. It has more meaning to me than almost anywhere else in the world.
There are positives and negatives, but overall... its my place.

Just A Note

In the process of working on another project I took a moment to record a spoken letter to Daniel...

CYG Day 8- Jewelry

For my most treasure possession I posted a photo of my necklace, a piece of jewelry.  While that would have also applied here I thought I would take a different approach.
These three bracelets, only about 4 inches around, were made by a fellow angel mom with their names. I feel horrible but I can't seem to find the link to her page. I remember the feeling of awe that washed over me when I opened the package that held these. They are so tiny, and perfect.
I do not have one for Lilla. In fact I have very little in memorial of Lilla... A bear, a painted tile... Its a pretty obvious representation of the level of grief I felt when we lost Lilla Bjorn versus our other losses. 

CYG Day 7- What to Say

It might be a rare occurrence, but if for some reason my little one's pop into your head... tell me. Send me a text, an email, a letter, or a quick call.
I want to know they aren't forgotten, that I know I'm not the only one who knows my little ones were here.
Tell me if you've thought about them.

CYG Day 6- What Not To Say

Please don't tell me to get over "it" or "move on".
Don't tell anyone one who has lost someone they care about this, especially those who have lost a much loved child.
There is no getting over it. Just learning to cope.
I'd rather someone say nothing at all than tell me to "move on".

CYG Day 5- Memorial

A few months after my third loss I made the fairly rash decision to get a tattoo on my hip as a memorial. And I don't regret it. 
The footprints are quite tiny and sit right inside my hip as a memorial to the footsteps never taken, but forever on my heart. 

Change in my Words

I've noticed over the last few days that infant loss, or my children has come up as a topic of conversation. I'm not sure why, but it has. When talking to my coworkers about it, which in itself was unexpected but whatever, I only talked about Daniel...

I don't know why I chose not to mention Kylie, James, or Lilla.

Maybe its because I connected with Daniel on a different level,
Or that the thought of people knowing that I was unable to carry to term so many times is embarrassing,
Or maybe its that I don't want to scare people.
I don't know really.

Kylie and James have become my secret. They are precious and I don't want to share them with anyone but those who already know. I'm not sure if it is because it all happened in high school and I've tried to move forward from that part of my life, or if its something more selfish. She's my princess, and he's my prince. They are too precious to be shared with those who aren't special to me.

Lilla came and went to quickly for me to even think about talking about her really... its more of a flicker of a candle that refused to light. I fear people's ridicule if they were to hear that I mourned the loss of a pregnancy that came and went before I even had time to realize it was there. It makes me feel horrible honestly and I fight with it on a regular basis.

On the other hand I want to scream from the mountain tops that Daniel was here and he is the love of my life and that I am his mom. I'm Daniel's mommy...

Maybe this is why I have changed the way I talk about my losses with those outside the infant loss community- to protect myself and others.

Cross Posting for Your Convenience

I have cross posted all my CYG pictures to Facebook.
Just thought I'd let everyone know!

CYG Day 4: Most Treasured Item

This necklace was given to me by a very special woman. It has the footprints on the front and "DJK" stamped into the back of it for Daniel, James, and Kylie. There are two colored beads on the top, one pink and the other blue. 

I wear this necklace nearly every day. It is my silent tribute to my little ones, and a constant reminder that I have a a very special person in my life who knows my pain. 

All the way from Australia, the other side of the world, one woman helped me discover myself, and held my hand as I stumbled through my path to healing. 

The woman I am today really is in part due to the woman who gave me this necklace, she showed me its okay to hurt, and its okay to smile again. 

She's the big sister I never had.

And really, as I've written this, I've realized, this necklace isn't my most treasured "item", my friendship with her is. 

CYG Day 3: After the Loss

This is me today. Well, a few days ago. But still. This is me after dealing with my losses.
I like to think that I've adjusted and that my whole life hasn't come crashing down around me.
My life is filled with a loving SO, my loving pup, my three needy gliders, friends, and even my classes. There is still a void, and I don't know if it will ever be filled. Every attempt I've made to fill it has left me feeling more empty than before.
I still feel sad every so often, but every day is a little bit easier. Just a little bit.
One can only hope that someday the hurt stops. I don't know when, but maybe someday.

CYG Day 2: Before the Loss

Here's a picture of me before my first loss. I was a child myself really- 17 years old without a real care in the world. I had been with my SO for almost a year at the point in which this photo was taken. We were getting ready to go to a high school dance... 

I was just a child myself when I discovered the painful world of losing a pregnancy. It forced me to grow up so fast and drag my SO along with me. 

I miss the girl in the picture- she was athletic, funny, and really didn't have anything to worry about. She wanted to be a mom someday, but had a plan of how her life would go from high school graduation to retirement. 

My dreams have since changed. 

I'm not in nursing school, not in Montana, and getting married much earlier than young me would have ever accepted. 

When asked how many children I want, my response is 'two healthy pregnancies would be wonderful"

The boy in that picture is now the man I'm giving my life to without a single regret. 

The girl in the picture didn't realize that babies could die... especially not her own.

Capture Your Grief Website

CYG Day 1: Sunrise

Smoky morning sunrise in the Palouse to open the beginning of October, 

Infant Loss Awareness Month.

For most October signifies Breast Cancer Awareness month, fall, Halloween, and these days the beginning of Christmas' assault on retail. For a family who has lost a much loved baby, its a month to remember, celebrate, and grieve their baby. Its also a month to spread awareness that 25% of pregnancies end in loss, and those families need the help of their communities. 

Capture Your Grief Website

CarlyMarie's October Project

I think I will be participating in CarlyMarie's Capture Your Grief Project for the month of October.
As you probably know, October is Infant Loss Awareness month. Specifically October 15th is the International Wave of Light.

So brace yourselves, the photos are coming.
Starting October 1st until the end of the month I will try to post a picture everyday in accordance with the theme of the day. 

Blog Revamp

I've changed things up a little on my blog.
Along the top are now tabs to my projects and pages that are important to me.
Hopefully this will keep things a little tidier.

Our New Logo- The Melissa Project

Special thank you to 911jason of Reddit.com for his amazing work.
I am very excited to continue this project even if there was a slight bump in the road yesterday. My spirits have not been dampened! 

FAQs about the Melissa Project

After some misunderstandings and unneeded tension on the Facebook page I decided it was best to post a FAQ page so that people had more information. I apologize for any undue stress, but need to remind people- I am human, I work, go to school, and have a house to run, I CANNOT be on Facebook 24/7 to answer questions. Hopefully this clears up some things and opens up a mature and respectful conversation.

What is the point of a "fake profile"?

The "fake" profile is the basis of the story- think of it like a canvas for a painting. Its where "Melissa's" story is being unfolded. The film will show Melissa's timeline as she goes through her journey. Facebook is an interesting way of looking into the humane psyche, which is why I have chosen it as my muse. Also a Facebook doesn't look real unless others have commented, and to be honest I'm too lazy to make up a bunch of profiles just to comment on the one. This profile will be deleted after the video is made. Here's my inspiration for the project: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=hzPEPfJHfKU 

Why are you trying to deceive people?

There is no deception going on here, I'm trying very hard to be transparent about the whole project. ONLY people who volunteer to be part of Melissa's story will be friended to her Facebook page. These people will be frequently reminded that it is NOT a real person, and merely a story being told. On top of that every thing will be moving too quickly to be realistic. The whole project will take place over approximately 2 weeks, from conception to loss. There's no way this could happen in our reality.

Why are you asking for pictures and not using your own?

I suffered 4 early miscarriages (first trimester) and have basically nothing. My thought process was that I could include others so their child would not only be immortalized but continuing to do amazing good in this world by spreading awareness. Belly pictures, ultra sounds, memorials, etc are all things that are needed to tell this photo. To go online and use stock photos makes this project mean so much less. 

Will my picture be used?

Not necessarily! You may volunteer photos, but unless they fit into the story they may not be used. I will use multiple people's ultrasounds/sonograms, but only one person's baby's picture(s), one person's memorial photo(s), etc etc.

Are my pictures safe?

When used by me, yes. But please use your common sense for posting them! Pictures posted on the events page are out in the public, those PM'ed to me may only be used on the project. This is where YOU must make the best choice for you. 

What is your name? You Facebook says "Kay" and your event page says "Kirsten"

Like most people on earth I have a nickname and that is Kay. My legal name is Kirsten. Due to privacy reasons I tend to go by "Kay" on the internet, but for legal reasons (release of photos for use on this project) my legal name needed to be used. I'm also not Emma or Megan or Kendra- these three women are dear friends of mine who came to help me when I was unable to defend myself. Just like good friends should, I would die for these three ladies. 

Are you a real "angel mom"?

I have suffered 4 miscarriages between 2007 and 2011. You tell me if that make me an "angel mom".

Why were you so vague to begin with on what this project was?

Call it an amateur mistake. I honestly didn't think that many people would take interest in the project and obviously didn't think through how vague I was being. I sincerely apologize. 

I have more questions!

Please ask- I am more than happy to answer them as long as they are respectful. I'm not trying to dupe anyone or steal anything. My only goal with this project is to raise awareness for the heart break that parents go through when they lose a much loved child. 

A New Project

Tonight, I launched the beginning stages of my multi-media project to bring awareness to Infant Loss, named as of now "The Melissa Project".

To get involved go HERE

Here's the (rough) story line:

• The video opens on our main character, Melissa's, Facebook (conversations, games, random photos)
• Announcement of pregnancy on Facebook by posting 8-10 week scan
• Melissa continues to update about pregnancy and post scans, photos of baby clothes, maybe photos from the baby shower(s), and complaints about the pregnancy
• Posts continue until Melissa goes in premature labor
• Melissa posts that she gave birth to her child too early and he/she didn't survive
• Photos of the baby/hands/feet/etc are posted
• Condolences and other things are posted by friends to console Melissa
• Melissa posts photos of the memorial service
• Video ends with a short bit on statistics and then acknowledgements of all who participated

This project is being made specifically for a Digital Story Telling class (Washington State University) but more importantly for my own healing. 

Anyone is welcome to participate, please feel free to join the Facebook event. 

Just want to scream

This is going to be a rant- You have been warned.

Over the last few days I've been angry.
Angry at myself, a my professors, at my job, at the world.

If you had talked to me four, three, even two years ago I could have told you a rough map of what my future looked like. Or at least what I wanted it to look like.

It would have involved graduating, getting married, starting a family.

6 months ago it looked like, graduation, getting married, starting grad school, starting a family.

Right now- graduate, get married, figure out a new job until D graduates, settle where he needs to go, maybe start grad school if we settle where it is possible, work any job I can find.

Notice "start a family" has disappeared? There are no children in my future as of right now. It is not even a possibility. Between finances and school there is no chance, unless there's an accident.

Right now an accident would be catastrophic to our wedding plans- involves in traveling and fitting into a wedding dress. I don't want anything to ruin our wedding, especially since so much money has been put down on it.

At one point we had made plans to try and get pregnant on the honeymoon, or at least just stop using contraceptives. That's absolutely not an option anymore.

And it hurts.

Something I held on to as an "end goal" to all the bull shit of college and a crappy job is gone. Completely gone. I don't even have anything to look forward to anymore.

I have a sucky job, a crappy semester that ends with a graduation with a degree that is useless (until I get my chance at grad school).

I admit I have the wedding to look forward to, and I really am looking forward to becoming the wife of the most amazing man I know. But I guess the issue was that I was looking forward to the potential of a pregnancy not too long after the wedding.

I should be thankful for what I have... right now I'm just fucking angry.

6 years of pain, growth, and love

Every year I try to write a small post about my friend's little girl, Lily. 

She's been an inspiration to so many. 

This tiny girl, gone in the blink of an eye. 

Women on both sides of the world have been impacted by her short but meaningful time.

Her mother has dealt with unbelievable heartbreak and grown from a scared girl to an empowered woman. 

I love this woman, she has helped me more than I can ever say.

Lily,

You are amazing, and what you've done for this world is beyond comprehension.

I love you. Your mommy loves you.

Thank you.

-K

Time flies and Tears fall

Its been over a year since we had our most recent loss. I didn't post on the date because I was traveling, and had no access to a computer.

No one said anything.

That's okay though. I tried to not make this loss a big deal, and to limit its impact on my life. This was a pregnancy I didn't know existed until it was gone.

Tonight, today, I feel horrible. Physically, emotionally... I feel bad.

I'm not sure if it is the fact that I'm not on my usual hormone balancing drugs, or if I'm feeling guilt for not being more affected by the date that has come and gone.

The guilt I feel for not referring to my last loss by the name I gave her "Lilla" is almost crippling right now...
I'm going to go shower and cry.

Inducting our pets into the Awareness Campaign

Infant loss awareness tag for dogs

We got a puppy

He's a rescue named Grif who comes to us at 7 months.

We've had him for about 1 month now and things have been going swimmingly. 

Grif is adorable and a total love bug.

My grief has eased a little and honestly I don't find myself sad all that often. Sure I still miss my little loves, but having someone that fully depends on me has been a great way to focus my energy. 

I highly recommend a furry companion for anyone dealing with grief. Cat, dog, puppy, kitten, rabbit- having someone/thing to focus your energies on is an excellent way to deal with grief. 

Happy Birthday Daniel!

Happy birthday Daniel!

Mommy and Daddy love you so much 

and hope you have a wonderful birthday with your siblings!

We've learned so much from you and how to love those we have.

Enjoy your special day.

Love,

Mommy & Daddy

I miss my son

I don't have a lot to say.
The last week has been unbelievably rough.

I miss my son.
That's really what it all boils down to.

I never got to know him, even though I loved him more than my own life...

That's all I really have to say,
I don't know how to expound on it anymore.

Maybe later. 

Leading Up

The lead up to an anniversary is the worst.
I know I've written about this a million times and have beaten it into the ground...
But seriously.
It sucks.
We are 12 days away from Daniel's 3 year Angelversary.
I'm not looking forward to it.
Sure I can focus on school, work, research, and the wedding...
But I don't want to.
I want to be sad, angry, livid that my son isn't here.
And even though it sounds awful- I want my friends and family to feel the same way.
I don't want to be alone.
Sure we're three years out and I should be fine...
I'm not. I'm angry. I'm isolated.
We have all been told it gets easier with time.
It hasn't yet.

Disappearing in Time

I can't believe how well my friend blogged about how she and I are both feeling right now... she didn't even realize I felt exactly the same way.
We are both at a stage in our journey where we have been past our losses for long enough that we're forgotten. No one seems to care anymore that our little ones are gone. She is at 6 and 3 years past her loss, I am 4 and and 3 years past my losses. That's not including the 9 months since my loss in August.

Kylie and James are essentially forgotten in all facets of life except my own mind and where their ultrasound sits in my living room. Their angel days are marked with a special dessert or activity but other than that they are not mentioned nor really thought of. I will be the first to admit that with time the pain gets easier and the thoughts get lessened by all involved- this occurs in every circumstance of grieving. I think about James and Kylie regularly, especially when small children the same age are running around. Its normal. But I remember them.

Daniel is remembered because he had the most impact on our lives and those around us, but he is quickly heading the same way of his older siblings. The mention of his name or my emotions leaves people looking for an escape from the conversation and the room. Most just check out. I try not to mention his name or anything to do with my losses, but sometimes I need a friend to talk to... or even just my SO. His ultrasound sits in my living room next to his siblings. I remember him.

Lilla Bjorn is not talked about nor really acknowledged in any way. I have had people give me their warm wishes for having to deal with another loss, but there is little emotional attachment. She and James share in this... both were gone before they were known to exist and therefor their emotional effects were not as harsh as Kylie or Daniel. I remember her.

I crave to hear their names from the lips of the people I care about the most. It means they aren't forgotten. Their affect on me and this world is not forgotten.

It disgusts me that there are four little lives missing from my life. Mind you, at 22 I'm not up for having four kids, but the fact that those lives were lost in a blink of an eye before they evened entered this world to see for themselves is horrendous. Not only did they not get a chance to live and dream as people in this world, but now they are lost to time.

Part of me never even wants to try again for a baby, I don't want to add another name to this list. One is too many, four in atrocious.

I can't handle dreaming about a life that will never come to bloom again. Not even being able to hold and kiss and cuddle my baby once before being swept away is heart breaking. I can't handle it.

I can't handle saying good bye again.

Right now it feels like I'm saying goodbye, because as time marches on my little ones are forgotten.

My little ones mattered to me.
They brought me some of the worst pain I have ever felt, and some of my greatest joys. They have brought amazing people into my life, and helped me recognize those who hold me back.
They matter to me and I don't want them to be forgotten.

Mother's Day

Happy Mother's Day to all the momma's out there.
Baby loss and those with children who are living, I hope you all have excellent days.
Remember to take time for yourselves and try not to overwhelm yourself.

A dear friend sent me beautiful flowers with a card signed from my angels.
I couldn't ask for more amazing friends.

Happy mother's day everyone
 

One more time

Here we go, one more time.
Another due date has reared its ugly face.
Today is the date that a new life should have been welcomed into our lives.
Today is another day we go on with our lives like there was never a little life that was possible.

It has been the least painful of all the due dates I have endured, but it was still a uncomfortable.

Lilla Bjorn came and went in the blink of an eye.
I never even came to terms with anything that happened.
It just happened, and we just moved on as if nothing happened.

Isn't that the way it always seems to happen with early miscarriages? And infant loss in general...

"If I should have a daughter"

Not Pregnant

Well as I said before, either way this turned out would be okay.

This morning I woke up to my period, didn't even have to go to the doctor for a blood test.

We're excited for the opportunity to go ahead with our plans to get pregnant on our honeymoon (or attempt to) in 14 months.

Honestly, its all a little bittersweet. After 5 days of waiting I had gotten used to the idea and wasn't quite excited, but accepting of the idea of being pregnant.

14 months isn't that long to wait, and we'll be out of school and ready to give our all to a baby. I'd honestly prefer it that way.

My new goal is to prepare my body for a baby. Loose some weight, get on a multivitamin with folic acid in it, eat healthier. The healthier I am the better chance I have of bringing a baby to term, so that's my goal- to give D not only a healthy baby, but a healthy me in 14 months.

Could I be?

Right now things are all turned upside down for us.
This last week my period never showed up, and we're still waiting for it.

I have multiple signs of pregnancy which other people are noticing before me-
"Jeese you're taking a lot of naps"
"Didn't you just go to the bathroom?"
And some that I've noticed-
Wearing a bra is uncomfortable
My pelvis is tender

We've had 4 negative pregnancy tests, but my period is also 5 days late.

Sure there could be other causes, but maybe its time for us to have our rainbow?

Dave is in full panic, he doesn't think he's ready. But he has also said he'd figure it out for us.

I have an appointment for a blood test tomorrow to see what my HCG levels are. Either way this turns out... we'll be okay.

We have each other. 
 

Moss tells it how it is in the New York Times

While browsing R/miscarriage I found an article that made me feel so much better about where I am and how I'm feeling when it comes to my losses.

"Talking about miscarriages is so loaded and pitiful and hushed and fraught with meaning about age and usefulness...when the reality is that most miscarriages take place for chromosomal reasons out of our control"

Moss makes an excellent point in this short quote, but her whole article in the New York Times is not only important but incredible. You can read it here, and I highly recommend that everyone reads it, both
those who have survived miscarriage and those who are helping support someone who has.

"I will probably mourn about this miscarriage in some outwardly unremarkable way until I either have a healthy baby or die."

She is capable of putting into words the thoughts I can't imagine verbalizing let alone telling the world in such a public was as the New York Times. I can barely verbalize this to my SO.

Moss' article brought me hope, I'm not alone! The thoughts inside my head aren't unusual!

April 30th

I'm pretty sure I could be labeled a masochist after what I've done today.
After telling everyone I don't want to know Lilla Bjorn's due date I went and looked it up today...

April 30th, 2012

I would be 34 weeks pregnant if I had not lost the pregnancy.

This loss has not been as hard as past losses, and it doesn't consume me every day like Daniel did. I let my curiosity get the better of me today and I think its going to get the better of me in the long run. I feel an unbelievable sadness now because I made this loss real.

I hate myself for it.

Rushing Back

I'm off my birth control this month due to illness and its wreaking havoc on me.

As of recent I have prided myself on no longer grieving in to the extent that I once had. My life had moved in a positive direction and I didn't feel sad anymore, well kind of. Sometimes I'm sad, but I'm usually not hopeless.

Today I feel hopeless, listless, I don't even want to live honestly.

There is so much in my future that is positive and great, I'm getting married and I'm graduating in the next year, and I have so much ahead of me.

Yet I don't care right now. None of it is worth it.

I should be about 7 and a half months pregnant right now if I hadn't suffered a blighted ovum in August. I was really proud of myself when I realized I hadn't thought about it at all until today. And then I was upset that I thought about it.

There's nothing I want more in life than to have a family and every time the chance presents itself it's violently ripped away.

All the sadness is rushing back.

Share your story, Spread awareness

A Billion Stories is a new Tumblr that is trying to spread awareness and show the very real side of miscarriage.

I personally love these projects.
So if you need a place to tell your story, anonymously or not, here's one.

A furball to heal?

I'm a huge advocate for using animals as a grieving tool. They've been proven to help lower blood pressure and heart rates.

When we lost Daniel we got a cat named Rissy, she was wonderful and helped with the grieving process more than I can describe. She died before she turned a year old in a tragic accident. A few months later we got our first glider. Not exactly what we thought we were getting into and not as helpful in the grieving process but definitely a distraction that is welcomed.

With a move to a pet friendly apartment coming this summer, discussion has begun on possibly getting a dog. A furball to cuddle and play with has the potential to be extremely healing. We're not talking about a puppy, but a grown dog from one of the local shelters.

I need to put away a substantial amount of money to have as a safety net, and then we can consider the financial aspects of a dog.

The summer after we lost Daniel, my parent's got a puppy, and I spent all summer socializing and training the puppy. It was a good distraction and gave me excellent cuddle time with something dependent on me. My hope is by adopting a dog in need of a good loving home I will be able to continue to heal.

The other aspect of getting a dog is that it will hopefully negate the need for a baby immediately after we're married. I'm hoping it gives me a focus so that my "baby need" will dissipate for the time. 

Something changed?

Not for me, but for my significant other.
Today we were out and saw the tiniest baby I have ever seen in public. My reaction was, "aw cute!" and then I looked at Dave who had a look on his face that I had never seen before.
I'm not sure if it was shock or awe or unadulterated love but I was taken aback.
He couldn't seem to get over how tiny the baby was and talked about how he wanted to hold her so badly.
I've never heard him speak in such candid terms about wanting to interact with a baby.
Even after we left the store and had moved on he said in jest "I wanted to steal her and take her home!"
Dave has always told me he wants to have kids someday, but today it feels like something changed in him. Maybe the "I want to wait a few more years" has changed to "I want to wait the year and a half to our wedding".

We'll see. 
 

Its ok

Sometimes I hear moms of multiple angels talk about the guilt they feel for having more of an attachment to one angel than the others.
You know what?

Its ok.

Seriously. My pregnancy with Daniel was much more emotional and painful for me than my pregnancy with twins. Maybe because of my age, or maybe my awareness of the situation. Either way, I can say my connection is stronger with Daniel.

Does this make me a bad angel mom? No.

The connection is not equivalent to love.
I love each of my angels in their own very special way. None are loved more than the others.

Its ok if you feel more connected to the baby you held than the baby you lost before 12 weeks. You love them equally and in their own special ways.

The last thing an angel mom needs is more guilt.

Bittersweet, but beautiful

If I had the choice to never know the women I know as angel moms, I would take it in a heart beat. To keep all of these beautiful women from knowing the incredible pain that is losing a child is beyond a price tag. None of these women, nor any woman deserves this pain.
But once we look beyond the paralyzing pain, broken hearts, sleepless nights, and countless tears, there is something beautiful. The connections we make. Unbreakable, beautiful connections.
We become so intertwined in each others lives that an event, a moment, not a even a day goes by without contact.
We share our suffering and our joys.
We are each other's support.
We are connected by the children we have lost.

There are few people in my life that I love the way I love the angel moms in my life.

Today is a rough day for one angel mom in my life. Today is the anniversary of her daughter's birth, and flight to heaven.
2 years ago today a perfect tiny angel fell asleep forever.
You are so loved little Karly.
Beautiful.
Thank you for letting me find your mommy. She means so much to me.

Happy birthday precious angel.

A new way to post

I just found a blogger app for my new phone. Hopefully this will give me the ability to post more often. As of now I have little time to actually post since the computer is inconvenient to get to during the day and I'm usually too tired to post at night.

On another positive note- I'm still doing better. Every day is a little easier than the one before. Dates such as Daniel's edd get easier with time. Not a single day goes by where I don't think of my loves, but the tears and pain have ebbed a little more.

Back from Hiding

I took the Christmas season to focus on my relationship with my mom and to essentially hide from my grief.

While my relationship with my mom is stronger than ever, my grief progress has come to a halt.

Right now I feel empty. Neither sad nor happy- just surviving. I don't think my grief will go any way until I either get pregnant or give up. I'm not ready for either of those options yet. For now I'll be happy with "surviving" if that's what you can call it.

On a positive note, I now have two new focuses in my life- my wedding and my schooling. Previously, they were important but now my focus is renewed. I bought my new wedding dress and plans are seriously in the works for our June 2014 (yes, 2 and a half years from now) wedding in Hawaii.

Hopefully, these new focuses and D's strong presence will help me with this emptiness I feel.