Warning- Violence, Cursing, Irrationality
Sometimes it all becomes too much and I take my anger/frustration out on whoever the first to cross me is.
Today, I could have smashed in the face of a snotty bitchy teenager in the mall parking lot. Her over priced outfit gave away how she perceived herself, and the up-down look she gave me and the smirk told me she also made the assumption that I was of a lower class. I could have let it go if she hadn't made eye contact and made it even more clear she found me quite disgusting. It took everything in my power to get into my car before opening my mouth. Dave could tell I was angry, but with the prior two days of sadness and anger boiling over with the actions of this bitch, he had no idea. I immediately went to a violent rage filled place. I was near tears I was so angry, and felt the need to physically take my anger out on her fucking face. I made it home, and was able to calm down, but I'm angry now that I didn't say anything. That little bitch needs to know that her actions have real world consequences- I should have said something. Or even to her mother who was oblivious to everything going on. Better me, someone who would just give her a verbal lashing (even with the violent thoughts of smashing her face in with my massive snow boots running through my head) instead of someone who would have actually floored her.
I have spent the last two days doing everything in my power not to show my internal feelings of sadness and anger to keep from ruining Dave's Christmas. I wanted to be extremely angry that my LO's aren't here. They aren't ripping open presents, or playing with the ribbons, their eyes aren't shining in the glow of Christmas lights, or frolicking in the snow that fell on Christmas Eve. I'm angry. I'm very angry. I want to hurt myself to distract myself from the pain of missing my LO's.
The anger and pain only deepens when I realize how much longer I have to wait before we start trying for a rainbow baby. Dave has to add some time to his schooling so we have to wait until he's done there. That puts us at, very least, mid 2015 to start trying. That's assuming that my uterus/ovaries don't give up by then and I loose my opportunity to have a baby at all.
If one more person tells me that I'm "young and have time" I'm probably going to sock them in the mouth. I know I'm coming across extremely violent- honestly I'm a lot of talk and little action at this point in my life. Yes I'm young, but I don't have time. Time is against me. My body is against me. I'm scared. I'm angry. I'm stressed. Being young doesn't have shit to do with having time to have a baby.
Adoption isn't really an option due to age/finances, and I honestly don't really want to adopt. Its a personal preference. I can appreciate other people making the choice to adopt, and I find it an amazingly selfless act, but I don't know if I'm that selfless. I want to experience a full pregnancy, birth, the sleepless nights, breast feeding, my babies growth... I want these things.
Every once in a while I come to a calm acceptance of being childless for my life. They're rare occurrences, but maybe as I get older and mature more it will become a completely accepted fate. I just can't accept it now.
Sometimes it all becomes too much and I take my anger/frustration out on whoever the first to cross me is.
Today, I could have smashed in the face of a snotty bitchy teenager in the mall parking lot. Her over priced outfit gave away how she perceived herself, and the up-down look she gave me and the smirk told me she also made the assumption that I was of a lower class. I could have let it go if she hadn't made eye contact and made it even more clear she found me quite disgusting. It took everything in my power to get into my car before opening my mouth. Dave could tell I was angry, but with the prior two days of sadness and anger boiling over with the actions of this bitch, he had no idea. I immediately went to a violent rage filled place. I was near tears I was so angry, and felt the need to physically take my anger out on her fucking face. I made it home, and was able to calm down, but I'm angry now that I didn't say anything. That little bitch needs to know that her actions have real world consequences- I should have said something. Or even to her mother who was oblivious to everything going on. Better me, someone who would just give her a verbal lashing (even with the violent thoughts of smashing her face in with my massive snow boots running through my head) instead of someone who would have actually floored her.
I have spent the last two days doing everything in my power not to show my internal feelings of sadness and anger to keep from ruining Dave's Christmas. I wanted to be extremely angry that my LO's aren't here. They aren't ripping open presents, or playing with the ribbons, their eyes aren't shining in the glow of Christmas lights, or frolicking in the snow that fell on Christmas Eve. I'm angry. I'm very angry. I want to hurt myself to distract myself from the pain of missing my LO's.
The anger and pain only deepens when I realize how much longer I have to wait before we start trying for a rainbow baby. Dave has to add some time to his schooling so we have to wait until he's done there. That puts us at, very least, mid 2015 to start trying. That's assuming that my uterus/ovaries don't give up by then and I loose my opportunity to have a baby at all.
If one more person tells me that I'm "young and have time" I'm probably going to sock them in the mouth. I know I'm coming across extremely violent- honestly I'm a lot of talk and little action at this point in my life. Yes I'm young, but I don't have time. Time is against me. My body is against me. I'm scared. I'm angry. I'm stressed. Being young doesn't have shit to do with having time to have a baby.
Adoption isn't really an option due to age/finances, and I honestly don't really want to adopt. Its a personal preference. I can appreciate other people making the choice to adopt, and I find it an amazingly selfless act, but I don't know if I'm that selfless. I want to experience a full pregnancy, birth, the sleepless nights, breast feeding, my babies growth... I want these things.
Every once in a while I come to a calm acceptance of being childless for my life. They're rare occurrences, but maybe as I get older and mature more it will become a completely accepted fate. I just can't accept it now.
No comments:
Post a Comment
Your comments and feedback are important to me!