Rainbow on the Horizon?

D and I have decided to start taking the first steps to having our rainbow baby.

I'm taking prenatal vitamins, off my birth control, and no longer drinking hard alcohol. I've also lost quite a bit of weight and am much healthier than I was at the beginning of the year.

After a weekend with my MiL and being told some pretty hurtful (by her ignorance) things, D and I came to the conclusion that when we start trying is ultimately OUR decision and we need to stop letting other people dictate these things. I had told D that whenever he was ready to start trying for a rainbow to tell me, because I was already ready. Saturday night he said he was ready. We're both scared out of our minds for a lot of reasons, but it really does feel right. We are in a place where we can make it work. There's never a 'perfect' time, but right now is a 'good' time.

We're both scared. I'm not sure how we will survive more loss but somehow, together, we will get through whatever comes our way.

So start sending baby dust our way, and we'll be getting to practicing the baby making dance!

Stumble... into a Very Deep Hole

Yesterday, my sister-in-law announced she's having a baby boy. I'm so excited to be an aunt! It's been hard to stop myself buying up all the adorable little boy clothes I see! If anyone is fit, capable, and deserving of being a mother, it is my sister-in-law. She's has so much trouble conceiving and now she's being given a beautiful little boy!

A coworker gave birth to her healthy and very happy little boy two days ago. He's absolutely precious and beautiful. I'm so happy for her and her husband!

And then there's the heart shattering, body numbing, pain.

What about my little boy?
What about Daniel?

My little boy, who isn't here. Who never even got a chance. Who never got to kick inside me, let alone smile up at his daddy.

I feel myself falling as I've stumbled into a hole. I'm so happy for my friends and family who have been given the chance at families and are happy.
Envious that I don't get to experience that...
Sad that my little boy will never grow...
Angry that I'm not sure I'll even get the chance...

I've sat here crying for hours... I have no more tears...
I thought this phase was over...

Sleep Tight Baby Bunny

Yesterday, one of the groundskeepers in my complex brought me a baby bunny he found while ripping out a bush on the grounds.

The little bunny was only a week or so old, very skinny, and very cold. Her breathing was labored and she couldn't move on her own will. Her mother must have abandoned the nest when the groundskeepers started working on the bush. The groundskeeper said the other two babies in the nest had passed before he had gotten to them.

I held her close to my body in attempt to warm her up and cuddled her on the couch. I knew there wasn't much I could do other than make her comfortable in her last moments. Her little dark eyes looked up at me in fear, but soon it became a more calm look as I stroked her back and talked gently to her.

My dog, a gentle hearted soul, wouldn't leave us for anything. He kept looking at the bunny and then at me. His eyes plead for me to help her. I was helpless, he was helpless. He would lick her ears gently and whine at me. He wanted to help her. I wanted to help her.

Baby Bunny closed her eyes and passed silently only 15 minutes after I received her. I cried for her. My dog nuzzled her, trying to awake her from her forever sleep. He nuzzled me to tell me it would be okay. After a few minutes of holding her close to me, I took her outside and buried her in one of the gardens in the complex. I kissed her soft little head and placed her in the ground. There's a rock that marks her tiny grave, but no other clues to her final resting place.

Her death affected me more than I thought it would. I knew from the moment the grounds keeper placed her in my hands she wouldn't make it into the night, yet I still grieve for her. The innocence of her. The trust she put in me to protect her. I miss her. I grieve for her. She embodied so much of the grief I already held within me. She is my outlet for so much sadness I've been holding on to.

Sleep tight Baby Bunny.

Painting by WaterInMyPaint

Timing

Timing is everything.

Right now its my worst enemy.

It just so happens that I will be ovulating on my honeymoon... but its not the right time so we'll have to miss this opportunity.

We also have to figure out the logistics of insurance, and hospital bills, and finances of who will work and how we will support ourselves.

D has two more years of school, so ideally we would wait for him to be done and get a job. Then I would stay home with the baby since my salary would not outweigh the cost of day care.

Too bad my ovaries have totally different ideas and are freaking out on me. I think I'm on my 3rd ovulation in 2 days. Seriously body, get your act together! Stop wasting my precious eggs and lets work on them being healthy enough to grow strong later!

D's family has a history of infertility and his sister took 3 years to get pregnant (sending her good vibes right now as she gets through her second trimester successfully! i can't wait to be an aunt!) and he keeps trying to use her as a beacon of hope for me. "See she did it, we can do it." But I can't accept that since our problems are so different. My sister-in-law has a genetic infertility issue that involves taking shots and other treatments to get pregnant, thus far she has remained pregnant without intervention. I on the other hand can get pregnant but cannot stay pregnant, and have messed up "parts" (ovaries and tubes) thanks to some really really crappy genetics.

My sister-in-law had time to work with fertility shots and possibly IVF if needed. I don't know if my ovaries and tubes will last long enough for us to wait for D to get through school. I'm afraid we're missing our chance. I'm afraid that if we miss this chance than I'm going to resent D. That is the last thing I want... at this point I'd rather he tell me that he doesn't want kids, then have possibly live through the heart break of not being able to have a baby.

It all so frustrating and it makes me angry. So incredibly angry. And my problem right now is that D doesn't get it and it makes me lash out at him. I hate being mad at him, but he's the only person I can "blame" for my problems with timing.

This sucks. There's nothing I can do. And no way to fix it.
Fuck this.

Life Changes

My life is quickly changing and its actually a pretty good thing.

I quit my crappy job, I'm graduating, and I'm getting married! Things are going so well and turning out so beautifully.

And yet I still have a nagging sadness that more than anything is pissing me off.

I am so damn lucky for everything I have, yet here I am feeling a little upset.