wtf

thats pretty much how i'm feeling today

just a complete and total what the fuck

well maybe its just this evening, not the whole day

i just want to say fuck it and curl up into a ball

try to disappear

i have to work tomorrow

that's making me feel stressed too

but honestly i can deal with work

i can deal with school

i can't deal with feeling so alone

feeling like the ones i want to care don't

not at all

emotionally it feels like i've been run over

and then backed over

it hurts

its tiring

can i give up

just for a few hours

fall into despair

just for a few hours

i promise to get up

i promise to keep going

i just need a few hours to cry and give up

So true

Credit- Swinging on a Star (Facebook group)

I love this graphic... it pretty much defines my love...

Easter

Another holiday has come and gone.
This year Easter wasn't too bad.
Nothing terrible really.
D and I colored eggs which was nice... made me a little sad though.
Kylie and James would be the right age to be coloring eggs, well, with a lot of help, and a lot of mess.
But isn't that part of the fun? The chaos of the activities and the laughs of the children?
Kylie and James should be experimenting with colors and Daniel sitting on my lap watching and laughing.
Instead D and I sat in silence while we colored our 9 eggs.
I tried not to think about the should-have-beens, and instead enjoy the calm serenity of it all. 
Many angel moms had a hard time this year, not surprising... especially those who are devout.
Easter isn't as important to me as most holidays, but its still a time to spend with your family.
Today, D was my only family.
I'm not complaining, all in all it was a good day.

Better

Today was better- much better in fact!
I feel like I always write about the bad, but sometimes I should share some of the positives too!
Nothing really spectacular happened today, but I feel okay on the inside.
As the night goes on and I get tired, things get worse.
But overall it was a good day.

Snowdrop

The world may never notice
If a Snowdrop doesn't bloom,
Or even pause to wonder
If the petals fall too soon.

But every life that ever forms,
Or ever comes to be,
Touches the world in some small way
For all eternity.

The little one we longed for
Was swiftly here and gone.
But the love that was then planted

Is a light that still shines on.

And though our arms are empty,
Our hearts know what to do.
Every beating of our hearts

Says that we love you. 
-Author Unknown

Better and Worse

I feel like I can control my emotions and tuck things away better today. Cope better.
I feel like my heart is breaking worse today too.
Its bitter sweet.
Better.
Worse.
Just another day.

Roller Coaster

I guess that's the only way to describe how I'm feeling... dealing with a roller coaster.
A roller coaster that never reaches its highs.
Stuck in a divot rocking back and forth to get out.
The counselor I saw yesterday pushed me into chasm that is darker and deeper than any other hole I've dealt with before.
My need to carry a baby to term burns deep within me. But can I say this to anyone here?
Anyone I'm sitting with at this moment?
Absolutely not.
They'll roll their eyes, or sigh in impatience, or give me that look of pity.
They think "poor stupid girl, what a stupid wish. she's young! she should live!"
If only they could see the torture and pain I deal with on a daily basis.
Yes, having a baby here on Earth is live changing.
Everything changes, and it changes forever.
With a baby in Heaven I can go back to "normalcy" and "live" as a young woman of 21 should by popular standards.
What if that's not the life I want?
I don't want to party, I don't want to drink.
I want to hold my baby every day.
Put him to bed every night.
Get up to take care of him when he cries in the middle of the night.
The idea of having a baby here scares the shit out of me.
It really does.
But if it helps heal this pain, and stops the aching in my arms...
I think the fear would be worth it.
We only get once chance to live the life we're given. You can do it "right" or you can roll with what it hands you.
Why should I wait to have kids until I'm 30? I want to be a young mother, to be able to keep up with my kids as they grow.
"You should travel and see the world! You won't be able to do that once you have kids!"
1- you're wrong, I will be able to travel with my kids. And I plan on doing such.
2- yeah, I'm going to travel the world right now while I'm tied down in a podunk town going to school working minimum wage... why shouldn't I wait until my kids are out of the house, I'm well established, and have money to travel and really enjoy it all?
Maybe I am rushing in attempts to lessen the void left in my heart by the passing of my angels.
Can you blame me? Really?
I want to hold a baby close, to feel his skin, and breath his scent.

It's My Fault

That's what I was told today by a mental health professional.
I need to own up to what I've done, that the death of Daniel was my fault. I caused it.
There's no way for me to heal if I don't.
I also wont be able to reach any amount of closure unless I have another baby.
And I should do it as soon as possible for my own sanity.
A woman with a PhD told me this.
That guilt I had finally let go of? And accepted I didn't do anything to hurt Daniel.
Back in full force.
I killed my baby. I didn't mean to. I didn't want to.
But I did and now I have to live with that guilt.
Its my fault. Its all my fault. 
There's nothing I can do to fix it.
I don't deserve to live... I killed my baby...

Daniel, 
Honey, if you're still willing to listen...
I'm sorry. I'm so very sorry. I know you can never forgive me but please know... I didn't mean to, I didn't want to. I wanted you in my arms, I still want you in my arms. I'd give my breath for you to breathe. I'd do anything to have you here. Trade places with you if I could. I'd rather be dead than not have you here. I love you Daniel. I love you so very much. I have since the moment the test came up positive. I wanted you from that moment; I had dreams for you. I'm so sorry... 
Love, 
Mommy

Help me I've fallen

Tonight, on twitter I posted "sometimes we fall and just need a hand up" 
But the longer I think about it the more I realize the hand to help me up isn't as obvious as I previously thought.
Yes, being held by Dave helps more than most things or holding one of my many teddies...
But is there a metaphorical hand that can help me out of my current rut of grief? 
I do not believe there is one single hand that will fix anything but maybe enough hands?
I wish I had an answer but I most definitely don't....

Strange Place

I've found myself in a strange place in my grieving...
I'm completely at peace with my loss of the twins. Yes, I miss them but it doesn't hurt like it used to. Its a fact of life now, and I can deal with it. It makes sense- its been over 3 years since they each returned to Heaven.
In contrast my pain from the loss of Daniel seems to be a roller coaster, worse and better depending on the day. Last week was great. Yesterday was fine. Today was horrible.
Today was heartbreakingly painfully horrible. I don't know why, or what set it off. Part of me wanted to just fall asleep forever so I'd never have to live another day without Daniel. Part of me wanted to go out and buy him another teddy bear (he really doesn't need another one...) Part of me wanted to beg Dave to let us get pregnant again, do whatever it took to get him to say yes, I knew it would be useless but maybe I'd feel better... probably not. Nothing I could think of would make me feel even remotely better. I can't think of anything right now that would make me feel better.
Tomorrow will be better, no way tomorrow could be worse than today.

Tiny

Grieving Secrets

My New Project

click the image to check it out

Brighter Days

Every day seems a little brighter.
Hope gets a little stronger.
My energy levels are rising.
I feel happier.
A storm cloud occasionally rolls through, but I always look for the sun shine on the other side.
Project after project keeps me busy, which is good.
Between school and "In Memory Of" projects I'm always on the go.
Down time isn't as hard to deal with anymore.
The days are getting brighter.

Project Angel Memorial: Tattoo Finished Project

https://www.facebook.com/video/video.php?v=10150535796685587&comments

Here is the finished product of the tattoo video. 

We had over 140 submissions!

Thank you to everyone who participated.

Enjoy!