Frustration

Don't down play my fears.
I wouldn't tell you them if I didn't need your help.
I hate it when you do.
I need your help.

Feeling panicky

As I find out more and more of my family medical history as it arises in myself I am begining to feel panicky. I'm wandering down the same medical road my grandmother did...
Vitamin b deficiency, ovarian cysts, miscarriages... my grandmother had uterine, ovarian, and cervical cancer by the time she was 30. And became sterile because of it.
I can feel my own clock ticking.
I need to have kids early but too early will ruin everything for David.
Its a precarious teeter-totter of timing, and I'm stressing out about it.

Is that what it feels like?

As I lay on my bed with Winry in her pouch, on my belly I feel her gentle movements as she gets comfortable.
Is this what a baby feels like? Only from the inside? Those tender touches of innocence?

I wouldn't know... none of my angels reached the gestational age in which I would be able to feel them. With Daniel I used to think I could feel him, but I never could. There was no way it was possible. He was too tiny.

Is this what it feels like? I hope someday I get to find out...

Strawberries

Last night I had a horrific nightmare about having a baby that was born still.
---
I can remember the pain of the contractions and the sense of something horribly wrong about to occur.

Then the baby...
 Extremely pale, lips blue.
She was tragically beautiful.
Each finger perfect, each toe perfect as well.
But no life in her. No flame.
It was horrible.
Her skin was so soft, her blonde curls perfect against her head.
She looked like she was sleeping peacefully.

David whispered the name Samantha. I smiled and whispered Samantha. I held her close to me. David held her little perfect hand.

They took my baby away from me after letting David hold her for a little while. They took her... there was no explanation just that they had to take her.

Food was brought to me... I wasn't hungry but David told me to eat. I pulled the cover off the tray and there were some strawberries. The strawberries caused me to start but I recovered myself....
---
This morning I woke up and cried a little bit... and when I opened my fridge I noticed strawberries and little Samantha came rushing back. I feel like I've had a child rip from my arms...

I can't shake this feeling.

Baby Lost Father's Day

Happy father's day Daddy!

We love you so much and miss you!

Relax and enjoy the day with Mommy!

We love you!

James, Kylie, & Daniel

A new project

I have been blessed to be given the project of sending cards to angel parents who submit their requests to HAND.
I'm very excited to do this!

My thoughts exactly

Isolation

I need to stop over thinking,
I need to start talking,
I need to stop being so afraid.

This slump is just hurting those around me.

I need to step up.
I need to be better.
I need to move on....

For Kendra's Angel

For Emma's Angels

Scrapbooking



Scrapbooking Photo Tinks by WiddlyTinks.com

Our Angels

My Family

I am the Face

2,000 women in the US alone lose a baby...every single day. Our goal is to raise $2,000 for the 2,000 women who lose a baby each day, and to 'put a face' on the taboo issue of pregnancy/infant loss. We need your help in getting 2,000 faces up on this site by October 15th.

I am the Face

Please consider helping them out if you have the means OR submitting your own picture!

Letter

Daniel,
You can't imagine how many times I 've started letters to you today and haven't been able to finish them. 2,3,4,5, maybe 6 times. I miss you so much my little love. You are my everything and being without you hurts so much. I need to hold you tight my little one. I want to kiss you and love you and hold you close to me and never let go.
I love you so much. So very very much.
Daddy misses you too but he hides it really well. You visit him at night, right? He needs you as much as I do, I'm sure of it.
I love you little baby of mine and I wish I had you close tonight. I long to watch you sleep peacefully in my arms.
Watch over me tonight, I need you more than ever.
Please give me the strength to carry on.
Give your brother and sister kisses and hugs for me.
I love you Daniel.
Love.
Mommy

International Babylost Father's Day

September 26th is International babylost Father's Day!
Please remember to take care of the grieving father in your life!
He's hurting too, and needs just as much love as mom!
Official IBFD Website

The Park

I want to take you to the park, let you play in the grass and watch the birds above you.
I want other people to say how cute you are and coo over you.
I want to bundle you up.
I want to show you leaves and flowers and bugs.
I want you.

Quick blog

Figured I'd write a quick blog and let you all know that I'm okay. I'll write soon, its just late right now. So good night. Sweet dreams. <3