I never want to be pregnant again.
I just want Daniel.

Sick

I feel sick.
Deep stress pitted sick.
A sickness that only comes with the stress of a loved one.

Oh life please give me the opportunity to renew all of this.
Give me the strength to carry on.
And the resilience to bounce back.

Empty Craddle

Journaling

I found the journal I started when I discovered I was pregnant with Daniel. I haven't written in it for almost 7 months. I can't believe that's how long its been since I lost Daniel. 7 months, 5 days. Seems like an eternity and a second.
Part of me feels like I'm healing, but another part feels guilty.
I don't feel like I should be ok yet. I feel like being ok and healed means I don't love my little boy. But I do. I love Daniel and his siblings more than anything. They are so much to me. I can't forget them, ever.
I don't want to forget.
Daniel,
If you are listening sweet baby, Mommy misses you so much and wants to hold you more than anything right now. I'm starting to feel a little bit better, but don't you think that means I love you any less. I love you so much my Daniel.
Love
Mommy

Getting it off my chest

I feel like there's nothing for me to do, no way for me to help myself. I can buy as much baby clothes, teddy bears, books, ect and still not feel any better. Writing really doesn't help as much as I wish it would either. I don't know what I want.
I failed Daniel and David. I couldn't keep Daniel safe, and I couldn't give David his son healthy and happy.
There's a little less than a month before Daniel's due date and I'm already having melt downs. Things got better for a little while but I feel like I'm slipping back down the slippery slope to depression.
If I let depression win again I will have let down David again. I can't do that.
I try writing, and drawing, and exercising, and cooking, and hanging out with friends, but none of them give any relief to the empty bleeding hole in my heart.

Recently, I've been fighting the maternal urge to be pregnant again. David doesn't want to get pregnant right now and I completely respect that. Honestly, I don't want to either. I want to finish school and get married before I even think about having a baby.
I think a lot of people misconstrue what I mean when I say "I wish I was pregnant". What I mean is I wish I was pregnant with Daniel. Not pregnant with another baby. I'm not ready to accept another baby... I want my Daniel. My baby Daniel.
I've also been asked why I don't "Want" to be pregnant with Kylie and James. Because they should be a little over a year and a half old, they should be running around. But I've also come to accept that they are safe in Heaven's nursery. My stages of grief have settled into acceptance about Kylie and James. It doesn't mean I love them any less or that I miss them any less.
The grief for Daniel is still raw. I can't get through a day without being upset about my tiny angel. I miss him. God I miss him.

Gift from an Angel

Yesterday I received a gift from an angel.
The beautiful Emma sent me a package to help me get through these rough holidays. She included a beautiful candle, a gorgeous necklace, an amazing card, and a book that I can already tell is going to help me so much.
This post is for Emma.

Emma,
Without you I don't know where I'd be. You have been my rock and my angel on earth. You've shown me its okay to cry and that I really am not alone in this horrid journey I have been put on. You've been a life line and a friend. A friend I never thought I'd find on this earth. It doesn't matter that we've never hugged or cried on each others shoulders, there is no distance between our two hearts as there is between our bodies.
I love you honey. Thank you for everything you do.
Kay

The new year

The new year has come and 2010 rings bright and new.
Generally, I use the new year to say "Ok I'm starting fresh and this is my year to do my thing."
This year I couldn't do it.
This year I cried at midnight because Daniel was not safe and warm inside my womb, but instead an angel in Heaven.
I cried, because come his due date in February I will not be able to hold him tight and welcome him into the world as I should be able to.
This year should bring the ability to start fresh and take things one step at a time as the new decade dawns on this world and my life.
My 20th birthday rings in, in less than 24 hours and here I sit with three angels in Heaven and not even two decades old.
Had everything worked as they should I would be playing with my twin toddlers as their little brother grew inside me.
David put it so perfectly:
"I wonder how things would have been. Not better. Not worse. Just different"