Different than Last Year

This year I'm not participating in most of the October 15th activities- the blog projects, walks, lead up preparations... none of it.

Tomorrow night I will light a candle, and probably write a personal blog post to talk about how things have changed in the last year, maybe post on my angel mom Facebook, but nothing compared to previous years.

It may be that this year I'm pregnant, or maybe we are enough years out that I don't feel the need to memorialize in such a public way anymore, or maybe I'm just so tired from work and being pregnant that I don't have any extra energy. I don't know.

Last year a dear friend visited from Australia, and we did a good sized memorial together. It was beautiful and something I will never forget. It was gorgeous and a beautiful way to honor our angels together. This year will just be me with minimal participation.

Part of me hates myself for it. I shouldn't be willing to be so minimalist about my angels' memories. Yet here I am, feeling that I need to focus on my current pregnancy and baby girl. She needs me more now than my angels do. Their memories will live on in their father and I, but baby girl needs us right now. She needs us to be strong and to do everything we can to get her to full term. Her angel siblings are doing their part in giving their mamma and little sister strength. I know they understand that mamma needs to take care of baby girl.

It's a....

Beautiful, strong, baby 

GIRL!!!

She is our fighter and is perfect in every way. Growing right on track and active as ever. We couldn't be happier!

My body can't do this

As positive and happy as I have tried to be through all of this... my body just can't seem to do it. It's not that I'm unhealthy or not taking care of myself. I am doing everything right according to my OB. Yet, my body keeps trying to fail me... fail us- baby and I.

Yesterday, I was taking the emergency department with stroke like symptoms: numbness of right arm and face, inability to speak/type coherently, inability to focus my eyes, dizziness. After an MRI and a lot of tests the final diagnoses was a minor stroke caused by a migraine (constriction of of blood vessels in my brain). Thankfully, baby was not caused any stress by the episode and looked quite content sleeping on the ultrasound. I have had a little bit of lasting symptoms, I have a hard time focusing and sometimes words are harder than usual. Its frustrating but I'm thankful that our baby is okay.

It scares me that my body keeps trying to fail. First the preterm labor and now this. Poor baby is having a hell of a time because my body sucks.

Morbid Reality

I don't really blog anymore. I've been trying to focus on the positive, and my new job, and being a good wife. Sometimes I can't focus on the positive anymore and just need to let the morbid and sad out. Sorry that's all you get to read here. This is my safe spot, my venting spot, my place to say the things I can't say to anyone.

We have safely arrived at 19 weeks. Not without some problems- preterm labor at 17 weeks being one of them. Unfortunately, one of my most prominent thoughts at this point is not "I will bring home my baby", but "If I lose my baby I'll at least be able to hold them and bury them and remember them openly." I'm ashamed of it. Being positive and happy and believing I'm bringing home a baby should be at the front of my mind, yet I'm just happy that I'll be able to hold my baby no matter what. Even if we don't get to bring them home...

It's October- Infant Loss Awareness Month. This is the month I usually become quite active in the loss community. This year I find myself pulling away. I'm not sure why, probably because I feel like that if I am there to be part of it people will wonder why I'm don't love the baby I'm currently carrying. It's not that I don't love my baby, its that my baby doesn't replace my LO's. My LO's will always be there and I'm not going to forget them. Sure I may heal to a point where I'm not feeling the need to constantly be actively remembering them, or even may come to a point where I don't think about them every day, but they will always be part of me.  Maybe this is what "moving on" is? I don't know.

While writing this I really debated whether or not I should make this last confession. Really that's what this blog post has been. But this is my safe place and I'm just going to put it out there to make myself feel better, so its out there...

Sometimes when I start getting really stressed about bringing home baby, or what comes after pregnancy I have an intrusive thought. (If you don't know what intrusive thoughts are, stop here and do a quick wiki search).
The though is, "It's okay, this we probably wont make it that far." What the actual fuck self? There's nothing more I want in this world than to hold my baby and bring them home to a loving family, but here I am saying shit like that to myself? It makes me ashamed and wishing I wasn't pregnant because I don't deserve it. I don't deserve a rainbow baby if I can't appreciate them. Does this make me a bad mother? Or someone dealing with grief in a weird way? I don't know but it haunts me...