Sex

Okay, I'm going to go in to some uncharted territory on this blog but I really need to... so you've been warned.

Is there a time table to when I should start enjoying sex again? Its been almost a year since we lost Daniel and I find myself still feeling unbelievably guilty when having sex. Part of me says its because I feel like I need to be punished for failing to take care of Daniel, and part of me says its because I'm so afraid of getting pregnant again.
Not having sex is so hard on my relationship, and honestly a huge part of my relationship is based around the ability for me to perform in the bedroom on a fairly regular basis. This isn't because D is sex crazed or anything, but our relationship needs its physical aspect in balance with everything else. Everything needs to stay balanced... and since I'm not even balanced in my head how can I expect myself to keep my relationship perfectly balanced?
I hate that when I do feel "turned on" or ready for sex that I suddenly over think and become afraid that I'm going to be done and ready to do something else before he's done too. There is nothing that makes me feel worse than not satisfying D.
I gained weight after I lost Daniel and it has made me really self consious about my body, and of course when having sex everything is out there for D to see. Its horrible to look down at myself and see what I hate most in this world: my belly. Its horrible, ugly and jiggly and blegh. I hate it. I know people are probably thinking "oh go work out and get over yourself, if you hate yourself that much you can change it"... thanks for the support... anyways I do work out as much as I can bring myself too and I try to eat better than I used to. Its hard... The motivation to better myself isn't there when I hate myself so bloody much...

Gallatin Valley Infant Memorial Walk Update

Update, update, update. Sorry about so many updates!
Gallatin Valley Infant Memorial Walk (GVIMW) has new site!!!

http://gallatininfantwalk.webs.com/

Check it out! Feed back is much needed!
I'll write more about myself when things start settling down.

<3 Kisses <3

Heaven's Nursery Update

Heaven's Nursery has gone facebook!
Heaven's Nursery Facebook
Its a very exciting step for me and I've been able to reach many more people now.
We had 43 members by the end of 4 hours which is absolutely awesome.
I'm very excited about this new step and am excited to see where we go from here!

March of Dimes

Please click HERE to link to my donation site for the March of Dimes Walk I'm participating in this weekend! Even the tiniest donation helps babies all over the world! Thank you so much.

Kirsten

My mom in town

My mom's in town, and I want so badly to tell her about Daniel... She should know. But god I'm so scared to say something.
How does someone start that conversation?
How will she react? I have no idea. What if she tells me to get over it? What if she is completely disappointed with me?
I don't even know how to start the conversation. It's scary...

Babylost Mother's Day is Here

Our special day is here,
and honestly special I do not feel.
Alone, it feels like another day,
I hope it was enjoyable or relaxing for other mom's
<3

Update

Hey everyone,
I haven't blogged in a few days, and I felt bad. I should be able to blog a little even when I'm feeling better!
I've been packing up  my apartment, which is bittersweet. I'm excited to get back to Seattle and my David, but at the same time this is the only place Daniel "knew".
I'm doing pretty good, get my occasional sad moments, but honestly it could be so much worse and I'm thankful that I'm feeling a little better.
Got to get back to packing!