Easter

A little girl, 20 months old, in a little pink dress running about the yard looking for the brightly colored eggs hidden about the yard. Her twin brother in jeans and a soft blue button up shirt tries to beat her to the eggs but gets distracted by the little candies hidden inside. Daddy calls his name to show him another hidden egg, but his princess distracts him by pulling on his pant leg. She points to an egg hidden just above her reach.

"Pwease?" is all she says as she holds her hand out flat above her head.

Daddy smiles and grabs the egg placing it in her hand. "There you go princess."

"Tanks!" She smiles and puts it in her basket. Its filled almost to the brim. Daddy's little princess looks over to mommy, sitting on a lawn chair with the tiny baby curled in her arms, she grins widely and walks quickly to her. Her attempts are hampered slightly by the basket that drags through the grass behind her. She holds out a blue egg with pride. "Beebee!"

"Oh thank you princess." Mommy smiles, "But baby can't have Easter eggs yet. But thank you for sharing." Mommy smiles down at her little princess and gives her a one armed hug. The tiny baby in her arm curls his little fist and moves a little, but doesn't wake. The oldest boy comes clumsily running over to join the group leaving Daddy on the lawn.

"Mamma, uh!" He holds out a green egg he can't get open, "Uh!" his frustration growing.

"Daddy can open it for you, mommy's got Daniel right now." Mommy says nodding at Daddy.

"James, come here you little monster!" Daddy teases as he picks little James up from behind.
"Dadda!" James squeals shaking the egg. "Uh!"

Daddy opened the egg and let him pick from the candies inside. Sitting down next to Mommy on an other lawn chair, he scooped up his princess, Kylie, too.

There on the lawn of their little place sat a very happy and content family on a sunny Easter morning. A mommy, a daddy, the twins, and the newest baby, a little family, a happy family.

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This was written from my imagination as Easter rolls closer and I find myself wishing my family was together and not separated by Heaven and Earth and even on Earth by hundreds of miles

Fleeting

Happiness is fleeting.
Its here and then suddenly its gone and I don't know if it will ever come back.
I don't know what to do. I don't. I don't know how to be happy for long periods of time. I know David worries that I'll slip into depression, but I think I'm already there.
I can't do this... I don't want to do this.
I want to be happy. Please. Can't I be happy?
I need my baby... I need Daniel if I want to be happy...

Creativity is healing

So I made this bracelet today (you know you're fairly impressed) and I'm so proud. It's green faux pearls, with silver beads and clasp. The letters spell out "Daniel" and I absolutely love it! Only $10 for all the supplies! I was very surprised on the cost. The pride I felt after I was done... wow... Totally worth the ten minutes of telling the cat her life wasn't worth what I paid for the beads if she thought she was going to play with them! I'm very proud of myelf, let me know what you think! Thanks!

HAND 2010 Video

Heaven's Nursery

Heaven's Nursery
I run this site for other angel parents, and hope that it helps them in their journey of grief.
I make personalized web memorials for angel babies using mybabymemorial.com as my base.
Now taking requests. Please use Daniel's page as the basis for your requests.
No limit on text, images ect.
Email me at fugielangelsmommy@hotmail.com or make requests on Heaven's Nursery under the "Forums"
Thanks!

Flashes

Sometimes I get flashes of what life might be like if Daniel was here and not a beautiful angel.
Today as I was sitting in my living room and it hit me like a sack of bricks... if things had gone the way I wanted...

David and I would be sitting an apartment on his campus, with our baby... He'd be studying, I'd be quizzing him and feeding Daniel. I'd work in the evenings while he had the baby, and be home while he was in class. The next semester I'd start school and have an opposite class schedule than him, or ask friends to babysit if there was a conflict. I'd work when I could and study and be with the baby on my down time.

I know there are people out there who are doing it right now, and I'm completely inspired by a nursing student I met in the Student Union Building... she's a single mother, on her own, full time student, no parental support, works in the evenings. And she claims she couldn't be happier to have her baby boy.

Sometimes as I'm getting into bed I see how perfectly a crib would fit into my massive bedroom. Near the window so he could see the birds. How I'd love to hear him breathing as I fell asleep, and how safe he'd be so close. Any cough, change in breathing, anything at all, I would know immediately having him so close.

60 years ago being 20 without a husband and child was almost unheard of. Today, its frowned upon. The change in culture is amazing...

Maybe we could have done it, maybe not. I couldn't tell you, I'll never know.

Daniel's gone forever....

Maybe?

I gave in and decided to play with one of those facial "make my baby" things you can find all over the internet. I mashed my face with David's and here's what I came up with. Not bad, at least I don't think so. Really cute actually. Would Daniel have looked anything like this? Is this even close to what our little boy would look like? So many questions that will never ever be answered...

That's what hurts the most, bar none... Not knowing anything. Not a damn thing about my little boy... or I assume the baby was a boy. I'm not even sure about that! I stand by that my baby was a boy, I feel that in my heart. But would he have his daddy's nose? My eyes? Daddy's chin? I have no idea... I never will have any idea about my long lost baby boy... I like to pretend I know... I wish I knew. God I wish I knew.

Can't sleep

Can't sleep, I need my baby. I need my Daniel, my Kylie, my James, my soon to be husband David. Things were okay over break when I got to be with David. He made things easier, yeah I kept things bottled up the best I could, but a lot of healing also occurred. Going through the chest, and seeing Davids reactions. He kept very stoic and quite, but I could tell it touched him even a little. We cuddled with Kylie's bear and the things he said, well they were so healing. "My girls." I love our little princess. I love all my angels the same. Kylie's my princess, James' is my pumpkin, and Daniel's my fish. I love them very much.
Maybe I can sleep now? Maybe I'll hold them tight?

The need to write

I have a need to write, a way to keep myself busy, the need to vent. I don't know what to really say, and I don't feel like I have the right to bitch.

A friend of mine just lost twins... her fourth and fifth babies to become angels. I feel so horrible for her and wish I could do something for her. I've tried to comfort her and it's amazing the good and evil that come from the web. She's having such a rough time with evil people on the internet and I try to make up for it at least a little bit. I know I can't do much, but I do try.

I'm having chest pain on and off, I think its from the anxiety. I have three exams over the next few days and I'm a little anxious about that. I thought I was doing so much better but this last week has been like a sinking hole. I feel myself sinking a little bit everyday. Never a huge drop, but definitely a downward slope.

Part of me is questioning whether or not I have the right to grieve... a miscarriage surely can't be as horrible as a stillbirth, or after birth death. Maybe I'm being dumb and I shouldn't have named the fetuses that grew within me... it feels so wrong to say that. I feel like a traitor for typing that... but I won't delete it, because I need to get it out. I feel confused as I talk to other moms who have had losses, but they're all stillborn or after birth death moms. I'm one of the few who are mourning a first trimester loss.

Emma is my saving grace, Tabby right along with her. Those two women are probably the only women who understand my trials and tribulations. They are my earth angels.

I know I shouldn't want to, but I god I want to start trying for another pregnancy. I don't know why... I'm scared out of my mind, I know everything that can go wrong! I want to have an enjoyable pregnancy... I doubt that will ever happen. I'm so scared but everything inside me screams "TRY AGAIN, WE CAN DO THIS." I know David doesn't want this yet, and my parent's wouldn't appreciate me being pregnant at this moment in time. I hate feeling this way. I really really do. It's like knowing I need water but not being able to have any.

I don't know anymore. Game over I'm done for right now.

My Fault

Everything that went wrong and all my losses are my fault.
Completely my fault.
Everything.
There has to be something I could of done, something my body did wrong.
Maybe I tripped.
Maybe I ate something bad.
Maybe I took something for a head ache I shouldn't have.
There has to be something.
I did something wrong.
I wish I knew what it was.
If I did I could fix that mistake and not have to go through this heart break again.
I have to figure it out.
I have to.
Its all my fault.
And the guilt is crushing.

HAND Video

Made this video while feeling a little sad, but extremely grateful to HAND

Its Not Fair

Its not fair.
None of it.
Why do 16 year old girls get pregnant and have healthy babies, while women wanting to have children cannot?
Why can one woman lose child after child?
My questions will never be answered.
I hear my biological clock ticking away, each month my chances of having a healthy baby dwindling. I know I'm only 20, and I know I shouldn't start worrying until at least 35. But with the problems I've had so far, and getting closer and closer to my peak I know things are going to be a little bit harder for me and David.
We both want a family, David wants to wait (I respect that) and I'm getting anxious. I don't feel financially ready, and I don't feel like having a baby would be met with good graces by most of my family and friends...
But I still really would like to have a baby... to know that I can carry a healthy infant to term, because right now its a mystery. We know I can get pregnant, but can my body hold on to that child for 9 months? or even just 24 weeks?

Better Angel Baby Photos

My little prince James

My beautiful princess Kylie

James, Kylie, and Daniel in mommy's hand

Tiny Daniel with bear

Tiny Daniel with mommy's ring

James and Kylie, my twins

My twins with bear

These photos were taken with an actual camera (others were taken with a camera phone). I hope these help you appreciate how beautiful these tiny blessings are.

Angel Babies

Daniel (7 weeks gestation) inside my ring to show how big he is! So tiny!

All three from left to right:
Daniel (7 weeks) James (8 weeks) Kylie (10 weeks)

Angel babies made with love by HAND

Dear Daniel

Dear Daniel,

I want so bad to talk to you so I've decided to write you a letter. I don' t know if you'll ever get this, or maybe an older angel can read it to you. I don't really know how this works. I just know that it might help me a little bit.

My little boy, it's been eight and a half months since you grew your angel wings. It's been so long, so why does it still hurt like this? Still so raw and painful? I thought I was doing so much better Daniel.... but maybe I wasn't.

Does it hurt you when I cry? Does it make you sad? Maybe you're still too little to realize how much you're loved. I love you so much. I can't speak on your daddy's behalf but I'm pretty sure he loves you so much.

I'm positive daddy loves you. Daddy told me he misses telling you stories. Do you remember those silly stories baby? The one about the triangle in a circle world... that one was my favorite. I remember it like it was yesterday. We were laying in our new bed and daddy's head was lightly on my tummy right above you. And he told you this elaborate story, deep inside me I feel like I could feel you. Maybe I'm crazy.

Good lord honey, I miss you so much. I'd give anything to hold you. Anything in this world.

Please don't forget I love you and that Daddy loves you very much.

Love,

Mommy