Miracles

My best friend, Katie, is such an amazing woman, she's made my christmas wish come true. I'm so happy. Having read my blog my best friend has gottne me the early christmas gift of the baby doll I talked about earlier. I can't get over it. I'm so ecstatic.
For a while I thought my friends had gotten sick of me. It was frustrating because I was afraid to talk to anyone but David. I didn't want to loose a friend because of my m/c. Well, Katie has shown me that people really do care, and people do love me and that its all going to be ok. And miracles do happen.

Grief

I've been talking to people who have gone through miscarriages (m/c) and stillbirths (s/b) and have learned that even though some of them are 2 or 3 years past their m/c or s/b still have days where they cry. This seems to be more common with women who held or saw their baby, like me. I hope David can handle me if I'm going to be mourning for that long. When I say "mourn" I don't mean crying everyday and hating life, no I mean having moments where I want nothing more than to hold my angels, or shedding a couple of tears.
I don't like grieving but I know its necessary.

Help Pour Out the Rain

I was in the car tonight and heard this song by Buddy Jewel, and I couldn't help but think of my baby girl.

"The moment was custom-made to order:
I was ridin' with my daughter on our way back from Monroe.
An' like children do, she started playin' twenty questions,
But I never could've guessed one would touch me to my soul.

She said: "Daddy, when we get to Heaven, can I taste the Milky Way?
"Are we goin' there to visit, or are we goin' there to stay?
"Am I gonna see my Grandpa? Can I have a pair of wings?
"An' do you think that God could use another Angel,
"To help pour out the rain?"

Well, I won't lie: I pulled that car right over,
An' I sat there on the shoulder tryin' to dry my misty eyes.
An' I whispered: "Lord, I wanna thank you for my children.
"'Cause your innocence that fills them often takes me by surprise."

Like: "Daddy, when we get to Heaven, can I taste the Milky Way?
"Are we goin' there to visit, or are we goin' there to stay?
"Am I gonna see my Grandpa? Can I have a pair of wings?
"An' do you think that God could use another Angel,
"To help pour out the rain?"

Well, I thought about it later on,
An' a smile came to my face.
An' when I tucked her in to bed,
I got down on my knees an' prayed.

Lord, when I get to Heaven, can I taste the Milky Way?
"I don't wanna come to visit 'cause I'm comin' home to stay?
"An' I can't wait to see my family and meet Jesus face to face.
"An' do you think, Lord, you could use just one more Angel,
"To help pour out the rain?"

Mmmm, can I help pour out the rain?"

I hope she's got her wings, and they're as beautiful as freshly fallen snow.
I hope when she's big enough she'll pour out the rain that I love so much.
And I hope she's spending everyday with her Grandmas.

Fog

I feel like I'm battling through a never ending fog...
I feel like I'm getting closer to the end and suddenly it gets thick again. I wish there was some way for my to hold my baby girl again, or even a baby doll that size. That would make me so happy. I found a doll online that is about 4 weeks bigger than Kylie was, but it's as close as I'll ever get to the right size. It's so cute and just looking at it makes me happy.
( ((here's the link)) http://www.littleangelsonlinestore.com/Store/proddetail.php?prod=7523bi )
I just lost my job so I can't really afford it right now, but maybe this spring. I dont know but I can dream.
Christmas is coming, maybe I'll get enough money from family and friends to make it a christmas gift to myself. I dont know, but we'll see what happens.
Last night was really rough, I was such a wreck. I miss Kylie so much. Today's been much better.
I actually opened up to one of my professors today, my english professor. She was so understanding and wanted to do whatever she could to help me and my fiance. I told her we were ok. Grieving still but ok. She told me the grieving would lessen but never really go away. I guess I was a little disapointed to hear that I'd never stop hurting, but I guess I knew that.
I can't wait to be pregnant again, not to replace Kylie or James, but to fufill the motherly urges coursing through me. I can wait, don't get me wrong, I want everything to be perfect the next time I'm pregnant. I know David and I will make everything perfect and have a wonderful life in the future, I'm just a little impatient lol.

Happy 1st Birthday Kylie

Happy birthday baby girl.
I miss you so much.
I can barely function today. Getting out of bed has been a struggle. I want to just sleep and sleep, that way I can just hold you and love you in my dreams.
I want to be with your Daddy so badly. I need to be held and reminded that everythings going to be ok in the end.
I miss you so much baby girl. I miss you and James. It hurts so bad. My heart is completley broken and as hard as I try to heal it somedays I just can't.
I love you darlings.

First Birthdays

I haven't been able to sit and blog for some time now... so much has been going on.
On James' first birthday (November 23rd) my fiance, David, got in a car accident. We both believe whole heartedly that James and Kylie were watching out for their daddy. And we're so thankful he's alive.
Daddy and I watched Disney movies and enjoyed each other's company in honor of our baby boy.
Tomorrow is Kylie's first birthday (December 3). Its so bitter sweet. I'm upset that my baby girl isn't here, but in a way happy to be celebrating her. Tomorrow I'm not going to hold back any emotions... I'm going to cry if I'm sad, and laugh if I'm happy. Daddy and I are far apart on Kylie's birthday, but we'll both be thinking of her.
I'd love to do something or get them each a little something but it's not in the cards right now (I lost my job) and its a little upsetting.
Maybe they'll each get a little Christmas treat.

Totally Cute

glitter-graphics.com

I've learned that even though I've felt unbelievably sad the last two days that today is another day of hope.
I've come to terms that I've accepted the loss of James, but not Kylie. Understandable as I held Kylie, and had her longer. I feel sad over the loss of both of them, but especially Kylie.
David put me in the best mood this morning because of a dream he had last night. He told me he dreamt about Kylie. And the little red dress we want to get her for her first Birthday/Christmas. It was so adorable and just made me happy. I wasn't sad like I thought I'd be.
Thank you for sharing that with me David. You have no idea how healing it can be.

Top 10 Things Not to Say

10.Better luck next time
9. Can we talk about something else?
8. Life goes on.
7. I know how you feel.
6. Be thankful for what you have.
5. Just be glad you never got to know the baby.
4. It probably won't happen again.
3. It just wasn't ment to be.
2. Don't cry. Don't be sad.
And the number one thing not to say to a grieving parent: 1. You're young. You'll have more.

One year

I find myself at the one year anniversary of discoverying my pregnancy. Where I live means I can't have candles, but I found "battery powered" candles. Last night I turned them on and let them glow for about an hour. I took a picture.
I'm so sad that they're gone and I'd kill to be pregnant again. I know its not feasible. I wish it was. I really really do.

Haunting in the Night

It's coming on One year since I became pregnant. Thats crazy for me to think about. But as I get closer to the Angel Dates of my babies nightmares are starting to haunt me. Each night its something different. Something I do to loose them. I don't know how to stop these. It's so awful.
Last night I was holding Kylie again. She was bigger and more developed. Beautiful and pure. Maybe 17 weeks instead of 8. Then she started crying as if in pain, and then she convulsed and died. I was so upset. It was so terrible.
I thank god that she went to angels asleep...

A picture

Blankies, Hope Chests, and Closure

I'm so happy!!! The blanket Kylie was held in before the angels took her, is finally going to be in my possesion. A family friend had been taking care of it for me and getting the blood out of it. I can't wait for it to arrive!!!
And!!! Another family friend is making me a hope chest. This way I'll have a special box for all the little things that go along with Kylie and James. From Kylie's blanket, to the candles from the Memorial. I'm so happy.
I feel like closure and acceptance is finally here. As I've said before, I know that sad days may come, but the sun is shining behind the clouds.

A light at the end of the tunnel

Yesterday David and I went to the "Gallatin County Infant Memorial Walk." It was incredible. It was its first year so it had a couple of issues but otherwise it was amazing. I loved it and I found a little more closure.
David drove 7 hours to come be with my for the day so I wouldn't be alone. Having him there was such an amazing feeling. And I'm pretty sure I saw atleast one tear.
I took some pictures and started the twins their own photo album, I'll link it up here.
http://www.flickr.com/photos/31188143@N08/
You can also get to it through their webpage too.
http://www.mybabymemorial.com/memorial/page/kirstennelson/index.html
I've decided to change up the background color of their page about every week. This weeks it's pink for Kylie. Last week it was blue for James. Who knows what color it will be next week!
I feel so much better about life, I feel like I've accepted this loss. I know that there will be sad days in the future, but I know too that life is here for me to live and my angels wouldn't want me giving up!

Holidays are coming

The holidays are coming, and normally this is my favorite time of the year...
Last year was hard to get through, loosing my angels during the holidays. But this year I find it almost harder. At this point they would be here, beautiful 3 month old babies, and I would be picking out their first halloween costumes. But I'm not and now I walk into store selling halloween costumes and find myself fighting back tears. It brings me back to how I felt this last mother's day...
I hadn't really communicated my with my fiance very well about how I was coping (or lack of) with my loss. Mother's day rolled around and I kept face for my own mother, but cried whenever I was alone. I wanted nothing more than to be a mother. I had heard of men doing something special for their wives after a miscarriage for mother's day... I had secretly hoped David would. But as I said, at that point I kept everything to myself. He didn't do anything special, I don't even remember if I saw him that day.
That's all in the past now, and I don't hold anything against my fiance, don't get me wrong. But now that Halloween is rolling around (one of my favorite holidays) and I see all the adorable baby costumes I find myself trying not to cry at the very sight of them.
I'm spending Halloween with David this year thankfully. Hopefully it'll be a year I can live through.

Support

I found the most amazing support group yesterday...
The women in this group are so helpful and so supportive.
Please don't any of you think David isn't supportive, I couldn't ask for more support from a more amazing man.
It's more the support of fellow women who have also suffered a miscarriage also. Women to cry with, women to support. They're so wonderful.

Welcoming a New Life

As much as I wish right now that the life I'm welcoming was a baby of my own it is not.
I'd like to welcome to the world:

Kylie Allison Clark

6 pounds 7 ounces

16.5 inches

Kylie Allison is the brand new baby girl of my friend Alice, and named in honor of my Kylie Rose.

Welcome to the world!!!

Welcoming Kylie Allison is bittersweet. I couldn't be happier to welcome a happy healthy baby to the world, yet the empty place in my heart seems to have widened. I feel jealous that this lovely baby was welcomed to the world, yet my children were not. They were taken before their life could even begin. I find it hard to cope with, but I have.

I'd also like to say, thank you those of you who have shown me the utmost support. I know it seems like this has dragged this on and on. And I appoligize. But thank you all for sticking in there with me and showing me the most amazing support.

Thank You.

Poems for healing

I found these poems on a website. They make me sad but at the same time I feel like they give me the little thing I've been looking for.

Dear Mommy,
Please don't be so sad, I miss you so much, too.

It's beautiful here where I am

But I worry a lot about you.
I sleep with angels watching me,

There's only love up here...I'm never lonely or afraid,

'Cause God's so very near.
I walk with Jesus every day

He's very kind and sweet.

Don't worry mom;

He holds my hand

When we cross a golden street.
I never cry or hurt myself

I see Grandma everyday...I play and laugh and sing a lot

And I hear you when you pray.
Please mommy, don't be mad at God

You see, He loves me too,

And even though you're not with me

I'm really still with you.

Please
PLEASE, don't ask me if I'm over it yet.I'll never be over it.
PLEASE, don't tell me he's in a better place.He isn't here with me.
PLEASE, don't say at least he isn't suffering.I haven't come to terms with why he had to suffer at all.
PLEASE, don't tell me you know how I feel,Unless you have lost a child.
PLEASE, don't ask me if I feel better.Bereavement isn't a condition that clears up.
PLEASE, don't tell me at least you had him for a little while.What time would you choose for your child to die?
PLEASE, don't tell me God never gives us more than we can bear.
PLEASE, just say you are sorry.
PLEASE, just say you remember my child, if you do.
PLEASE, just let me talk about my child.
PLEASE, mention my child's name.
PLEASE, just let me cry.

Getting through

How come now matter how good of a day I have by the end of the day I feel like I've been worn down by every psychological missile that can be thrown at me?
Even if I haven't had contact with anyone.
Its from fighting the constant urge to cry. I'm ok most of the time.
But so often something sets me off and I sit silently fighting the need to cry.
I feel so stupid, so dumb...
What should I do?
I feel so lost...

A fun little thing

Today I got my new shirt in the mail. Why you ask do I blog about it?

Because, just look -->

Its amazing!

Sorry, you cant see the last line it says:

October 2007

I love it so much!!!!
It was inspired by Angel Babies Forever Loved.
The writing is black with blue SPARKLY foot prints.
Everything is getting better.
I miss my babies everyday,
But as a wonderful friend told me
"They're closer to you now then anyone will ever be."

Glory Baby

I found this song and fell in love with it...

Glory baby you slipped away as fast as we could say baby…baby..
You were growing, what happened dear?
You disappeared on us baby…baby..
Heaven will hold you before we do Heaven will keep you safe until we’re home with you…
Until we’re home with you…
Miss you everyday
Miss you in every way
But we know there’s a day when we will hold you
We will hold you
You’ll kiss our tears away
When we’re home to stay
Can’t wait for the day when we will see you
We will see you
But baby let sweet Jesus hold you‘till mom and dad can hold you…
You’ll just have heaven before we do
You’ll just have heaven before we do
Sweet little babies, it’s hard to understand it ‘cause we’re hurting
We are hurting
But there is healing
And we know we’re stronger people through the growing
And in knowing-
That all things work together for our good
And God works His purposes just like He said He would…
Just like He said He would…
BRIDGE: I can’t imagine heaven’s lullabies
and what they must sound like
But I will rest in knowing, heaven is your home
And it’s all you’ll ever know…all you’ll ever know

How Can The World Be So Cruel?

How is it that every time I log on to CNN or any other news site that I come to find headlines about babies. And they're never good. Today it was "Newborn found in Bush". The other day it was "Newborn found in Dumpster". It was hard for me to look at these headlines before Kylie and James. But now... How can a mother be so desperate to discard her child she would abandon it in a god forsaken place. I understand Postpartum Depression. I do. I suffered from it. In today's headline the woman claimed she was not pregnant nor had she ever been, how can one be so delusional.
It makes me so sad that so many children are born into this world not loved, yet I would have given anything to have Kylie and James and love them with everything I had in me. Why is the world so cruel? Things like this make me question the possibility of a god. If god loves us all how can he leave a child to die in a dumpster? How can he take away unborn children from a capable mother? I'm not saying that I would be a capable mother as a college student, but for all those mothers who want children and can't.
I would give anything to save those babies who are abandoned, and I would give anything to have my babies back.

A Couple of Poems

So little
So tiny
Is she really human?
She’s no bigger than a fairy’s wing
But she’s my beautiful baby girl
Too fair to be born on earth
So she sleeps in angel’s arms
And plays in clouds above
But forever she’s my baby girl
And my love will never wane

You were gone so quickly
My handsome baby boy
It hurt your mama so badly
But I love you so much still
Every night I dream of you
And every day I miss you more
You would have been your daddy’s perfect boy,
And your mama’s little angel,
Someday Daddy and I will hold you close,
And you’ll be our handsome baby boy

I can’t speak for your daddy.
Only for myself,
And as your Mama you ought to know,
I love you more than life itself,
I can’t understand why you’ve gone,
And God will only know,
But you were both so beautiful,
Inside my tummy close,
I never felt so beautiful,
As when you were mine down here,
But now you’re both in heaven,
In a lovely angel’s arms,
I hope you like it there,
And are happy as can be,
Because down here on Earth
Your mama misses you so,
I try to live,
And I try to laugh,
But I cant always do that,
Because I lost you,
My beautiful children,
And that means I lost part of myself,
How do I fill that gap?
I haven’t figured it out,
Daddy says you wouldn’t want to see your mama sad,
So each day I laugh and smile,
I try to be the happy mama you deserve,
I love you both so much,

A good day

I had my first really good day in quite sometime. I never got really sad. I occasionally got a little sad, and thought about Kylie and James. But I was always able to think "They are in such a better place, that I'm glad they aren't suffering here on earth." I love my babies, and I will always wish that I had been able to give them a wonderful life, and that they had made it to term. But I've finally started to accept that what happened, happened, and I can't change it. What I can do is love them from afar and appreciate that they were given an eternity in heaven without the suffering of the mortals on earth.
God Bless.

The night

Tonight hasn't been as bad as past nights. But its still as hard as usual. I want so badly to move on and be happy, but I don't want to forget my babies.
I live in a dorm right now because I'm off at college. I have a small memorial set up to my angels on my desk. Its good enough for now. I hate being so far away from David. It makes everything harder. He's in Washington, I'm in Montana.
Since I've moved to Montana I feel like I've latched on to my babies more. I already lost them, I can't loose them again. They are the beacon of hope that some day I'll be out of school and living happily with their daddy. It feels so far away. My babies feel so far away.
When it all comes down to it I wish I still had them. I do. I know I wouldn't have been able to give them the best life out there... but I would have loved them more than life itself. I would have given them everything I could have. I would even trade my life right now for theirs if it meant they would be happy and healthy.
I miss them so much. It hurts physically. I try not to cry over them, they wouldn't want their mommy sad... but sometimes I just have to. I want to be their mommy. I want to hold them. I want to love them. I want to be needed.
I want nothing more than to be a mom. I know I have to wait.
As crazy as it sounds I want to be pregnant right now. I want to know I can give life the a healthy baby. It terrifies me not knowing if I'll ever have kids of my own. It does.
I love my angels. I can't wait until the day I get to hold them both in Heaven. Until then I wait till I can marry their daddy and have another baby to be their sibling.
God Bless.
I love you Kylie and James. I always will.