But didn't have the courage or words to express-
Letter to the Editor- baby death
Wednesday, October 27, 2010
Sunday, October 24, 2010
The Ballet
My Kylie would not be the exception.
Today I took her (ashes) to the ballet, Cinderella.
It was hard, and it hurt, but I felt like she would have wanted to go and enjoy it. David was extremely supportive and made me feel not so crazy about it...
Kylie,
I hope you enjoyed the ballet. I loved having you there in my lap as the music played and the dancers flitted across the stage. I love you so much little girl. I know you're a beautiful dancer in Heaven.
I love you Kylie.
Love Mommy
Wednesday, October 20, 2010
My Mask
As a young woman, and a college student there are a few things expected from me:
-to be laid back when not stressing about classes
-my biggest worries should be classes, rent, where I'm partying this weekend
-enjoying the freedom that is still mine without work
Unfortunately, this isn't who I am. Not with my losses.
Everyday a mask is put up to hide the emotions underneath.
I become who I am not.
I become the college student I'm expected to be.
Inside I yearn for the babies lost to miscarriage, I scream and cry.
Outside I try to come across as calm, collected, fairly carefree.
Outside I drink with friends to have fun, inside I drink to numb the pain.
Outside I laugh, inside I cry
My mask doesn't come off anymore.
I don't trust myself to put it down.
If I take it down, I'm not sure if I'll be able to put it back on.
When I'm completely alone, like right now, I can feel my mask cracking around the edges.
Deep breaths fix the mask, but the cracks are more like scars now.
Each scar a moment of weakness, a blemish on my mask.
-Post inspired by Faces of Hope Faces of Loss Writing Challenge-
-to be laid back when not stressing about classes
-my biggest worries should be classes, rent, where I'm partying this weekend
-enjoying the freedom that is still mine without work
Unfortunately, this isn't who I am. Not with my losses.
Everyday a mask is put up to hide the emotions underneath.
I become who I am not.
I become the college student I'm expected to be.
Inside I yearn for the babies lost to miscarriage, I scream and cry.
Outside I try to come across as calm, collected, fairly carefree.
Outside I drink with friends to have fun, inside I drink to numb the pain.
Outside I laugh, inside I cry
My mask doesn't come off anymore.
I don't trust myself to put it down.
If I take it down, I'm not sure if I'll be able to put it back on.
When I'm completely alone, like right now, I can feel my mask cracking around the edges.
Deep breaths fix the mask, but the cracks are more like scars now.
Each scar a moment of weakness, a blemish on my mask.
-Post inspired by Faces of Hope Faces of Loss Writing Challenge-
Sunday, October 17, 2010
Anxious
The anxiety wells up in my chest pushing against my heart into my ribs.
I don't know what's making me anxious.
Is it not having Daniel?
Is it not knowing what the future possibly holds?
Is it not knowing what the future possibly holds?
Is it that I fear I have missed my only chance at a baby?
I don't know.
The anxiety is tearing me apart.
Friday, October 15, 2010
October 15th
♥ James ♥ Kylie ♥ James ♥ Peter ♥ Karly ♥ Lily ♥ Little Speck ♥ Kayla ♥ Connor ♥ Sarah ♥ Jane ♥ Ciaran ♥ Aj Carey ♥ Honey Louise ♥ Jessica Allday ♥ Miles Allday ♥ Emily Grace ♥ Cora ♥
♥Beautiful angels gone too soon ♥
Thursday, October 14, 2010
Amazing Quote
"When a baby is born, it's the mothers instinct to protect that baby. When a baby dies, it's the mothers instinct to protect their memory."~Author Unknown
Tuesday, October 12, 2010
Issues Focusing
I'm having a lot of issues focusing on the paper I should be writing. I started this at 4pm... its now 10pm. Thats 6 hours and I've gotten 2 paragraphs done, the equivalent of a little over half a page. That's pathetic.
I can't stop thinking about Daniel. Crazy I know, its not like I constantly write about him or anything....
I hate not having him, I hate not being able to hold him, and I hate not knowing he's safe.
He should be here, he should be asleep in his crib in the room next to mine.
But he's not.
He's not anywhere. That's what hurts the most.
Daniel is just gone.
I can't stop thinking about Daniel. Crazy I know, its not like I constantly write about him or anything....
I hate not having him, I hate not being able to hold him, and I hate not knowing he's safe.
He should be here, he should be asleep in his crib in the room next to mine.
But he's not.
He's not anywhere. That's what hurts the most.
Daniel is just gone.
My Own Celebration
I've decided to be proactive and have my own little celebration on October 15th.
I will be making blue and pink pins for Infant Loss Awareness and wearing one all day. I have had a few friends ask for me to make them one also so they may wear them. They have no idea how happy this makes me! I'm thinking about making some cupcakes with angel wings on them to give to my friends as a thank you for their support. They have no idea how much this means to me.
I think I'll make a few ribbons and give them to my professors and some people in my classes. We'll see!
1 in 4 pregnancies end in a loss yet no one talks about it!
We need to break the silence so those who need help can get it!
I will be making blue and pink pins for Infant Loss Awareness and wearing one all day. I have had a few friends ask for me to make them one also so they may wear them. They have no idea how happy this makes me! I'm thinking about making some cupcakes with angel wings on them to give to my friends as a thank you for their support. They have no idea how much this means to me.
I think I'll make a few ribbons and give them to my professors and some people in my classes. We'll see!
1 in 4 pregnancies end in a loss yet no one talks about it!
We need to break the silence so those who need help can get it!
This week
This week is Infant Loss Awareness Week across the world.
The 15th is Infant Loss Awareness Day.
This is the time of year I've gotten to connect with Angel Parents in real life for the last two years. This year I can't due to location and money.
Its kind of heart breaking.
No one here knows or really cares.
I'll tough it out because my friends deserve a woman who's happy, not depressed in their lives.
The 15th is Infant Loss Awareness Day.
This is the time of year I've gotten to connect with Angel Parents in real life for the last two years. This year I can't due to location and money.
Its kind of heart breaking.
No one here knows or really cares.
I'll tough it out because my friends deserve a woman who's happy, not depressed in their lives.
Sunday, October 10, 2010
Wednesday, October 6, 2010
Touched by an Angel
As I sit here in bed, I swear I feel a little body leaning against me.
It's Kylie, it must be.
As I was freaking out earlier I felt a tiny spot on my cheek go numb and then a child's giggle.
I was so shocked but excited at the same time!
This must be my little girl helping me in my time of panic.
I've turned on a movie, and brought out all my stuffed animals, I don't want her to leave!
I need her to stay a little longer, just to be here with me.
I miss her so much, but I love having her little spirit here for now.
Oh Kylie, I love you so much.
Thank you for coming here to be with me in my time of need.
It's Kylie, it must be.
As I was freaking out earlier I felt a tiny spot on my cheek go numb and then a child's giggle.
I was so shocked but excited at the same time!
This must be my little girl helping me in my time of panic.
I've turned on a movie, and brought out all my stuffed animals, I don't want her to leave!
I need her to stay a little longer, just to be here with me.
I miss her so much, but I love having her little spirit here for now.
Oh Kylie, I love you so much.
Thank you for coming here to be with me in my time of need.
Monday, October 4, 2010
From Faces of Loss
10 ways to support the person in your life who has just lost a baby
1. Acknowledge their profound loss, right away. You may be afraid you’ll say something ‘stupid,’ but the worst thing you can say is nothing at all.
2. Don’t say, “let me know if I can help.” They are not in a place where they can give direction right now. Offer an idea instead. Say, “I am going to bring you dinner Thursday night,” and just do it.
3. Read this article on what not to say, and follow the advice.
4. Send a card, like one of these.
5. Drop off a care package. Include some junk food, a couple light-hearted movies, and maybe even a bottle of wine.
6. Buy them a memorial/remembrance gift. Perhaps a necklace like this, or this, request their baby's name be written in the sand here, or donate to a charitable organization in honor of their baby, like this one. :)
7. If you’re close, ask if you can come over and just “be” with them.
8. When you see them, don’t be afraid to speak their child’s name. Saying you've been thinking about their baby means more than you'll ever know.
9. Keep texting, calling, emailing and facebooking to let them know you are thinking about them, even after it’s been a few weeks or months. Even when they appear to be “over it” or back to their old self, they will still be hurting, and will still need to know people have not forgotten about their child.
10. Try to remember and acknowledge important dates, such as their due date, loss date, Mother’s Day, and Father’s Day.
For more resources for family, friends, and supporters, click here.
2. Don’t say, “let me know if I can help.” They are not in a place where they can give direction right now. Offer an idea instead. Say, “I am going to bring you dinner Thursday night,” and just do it.
3. Read this article on what not to say, and follow the advice.
4. Send a card, like one of these.
5. Drop off a care package. Include some junk food, a couple light-hearted movies, and maybe even a bottle of wine.
6. Buy them a memorial/remembrance gift. Perhaps a necklace like this, or this, request their baby's name be written in the sand here, or donate to a charitable organization in honor of their baby, like this one. :)
7. If you’re close, ask if you can come over and just “be” with them.
8. When you see them, don’t be afraid to speak their child’s name. Saying you've been thinking about their baby means more than you'll ever know.
9. Keep texting, calling, emailing and facebooking to let them know you are thinking about them, even after it’s been a few weeks or months. Even when they appear to be “over it” or back to their old self, they will still be hurting, and will still need to know people have not forgotten about their child.
10. Try to remember and acknowledge important dates, such as their due date, loss date, Mother’s Day, and Father’s Day.
For more resources for family, friends, and supporters, click here.
Amazing Gift
I got the most amazing gift from my good friend Emma today.
Last night was hell, my lovely D walked from his apartment to mine to bring me my teddy bear... in the rain. He saved me from a hellish night.
Today I came home to two packages. One from my parents, one from Emma.
Inside the little package from Emma was the most beautiful pendant...
Last night was hell, my lovely D walked from his apartment to mine to bring me my teddy bear... in the rain. He saved me from a hellish night.
Today I came home to two packages. One from my parents, one from Emma.
Inside the little package from Emma was the most beautiful pendant...
I absolutely love it! So beautiful! The front has footprints, and the back has "K J D" stamped into it.
Its perfect. In every single way.
Thank you thank you thank you Emma.
Thank you.
You've made my week. Its so beautiful and I love it so very very much.
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