Lost in Communcation

I want a baby.
He wants to wait.

Its a classic battle of the sexes. And its okay. Eventually it gets worked out, because couples who want to last take time to communicate.

But I need to rant.

Every day I get on my facebook and see that my friends who are generally single mothers, or under the poverty line, or just not prepared to have a child are posting photos of their beautiful babies.

If these people, some of which I question their ability to function in society, can have a baby and survive the financial aspects then why can't we?

My intent is not to be mean, I'm just frustrated. I have seen people turn their lives completely around to accommodate their newborns and become amazing people because of it.

Why do we need to be pulling in $90k a year to have a baby?
We have a 2 bedroom apartment, a super comfortable life style, 2 jobs- are more prerequisites really necessary?

His need to be financially secure to such an extent is completely understandable. I get it.

My heart just disagrees. 

After Death

Often times you'll hear loss parents talk about how "they can't wait to see their child in heaven", or that "they'll be together in death".
I realize this is a comfort for those who believe in an after life.
For me it comes across as worrisome. I worry about these women. These are generally the women who decide to take their own lives to "reunite" with their lost child(ren).
One of the many reason's I'm so put of from religion is the idea of an afterlife. I truly believe that this is all we have, but to focus so much on death... it seems morbid.
In the thousands of years before I lived I was just random mass in the universe. It didn't hurt, it was just nothing. I find the thought that this is what happens after I die extremely comforting. No judgement, no pain if I'm not good enough, no reuniting with people I might not want to reunite with...
There are too many conflicting ideas about who gets into "heaven" and those who are doomed to "purgatory" or "hell".
If meeting your loved ones in death is what makes you feel better than fine, but it makes me concerned for you. I don't want any more of my dear loss moms to take their lives to "be with their child sooner".
This is all we get. This life right here. Live it to your best, live it without regrets. Its no more than a blink of an eye. 

I Miss Her

Its been over a month since my good friend from Australia left here to go home.
And I can't believe how much I miss her.
I haven't really written about her trip here... mostly because I'm still processing it and part of me was being selfish. I didn't want to share her- or our experience.
Now that there's been some time and I have reflected, I feel like its time for me to share the incredible experience that was spending time with Emma.

Before her arrival there were nerves, excitement, feeling unsure of what would happen.

That moment when we met in the airport... was like something out of a god damn movie. She broke down in tears, I hugged her as tightly as I could. People around us were completely unsure of what was going on between these two women standing and crying in the airport. It was the meeting I expected- I expected it to be kind of awkward. It wasn't. Not at all. It was like welcoming a sister I hadn't seen in a long time, but picking up right where we left off. I'm not someone who believes in anything but the beautiful chaos of the universe, but there was and is something there between Emma and I. A sisterhood that knows no distance from the United States to Australia.

The jet lag was a little hard on both of us, but we worked it out of course. We drank wine, and were all around pretty merry.

Prior to her arrival I thought we would spend every day talking about our little ones and crying. As we sat in silence or sharing stories of just our lives I realized that our connection went beyond just the shared experience of miscarriage. Even having lived on separate continents we shared much more.

Sure, there's more I would have liked to talk to her or confide in her about, but really it was perfect just the way it all was. We laughed, cried, and just enjoyed each other's company.

I miss her. I miss Emma a lot.

Right now I'm going through a lot and wish she was still here so I could have a confidant who knows exactly how I'm feeling. Dave gets so much dropped on him with no way to cope with it. I feel horrible.

I wish Emma was still here, I miss her. 

5 Years

It has been 5 years and 1 day since the bleeding started and we lost the first of the two babies in my womb.
I would have written yesterday, but being the day after Thanksgiving, Apple Cup, and with family in town I ran out of hours in the day.
Today, I struggle to write this. After 5 years you'd think this would be a breeze.
Life does get easier after loss, especially after 5 years.
5 years ago I thought my life was over before it had really begun.
Who knew that young women, not even out of their teens could have miscarriages?
I didn't, but now I do.
Its a little bit shocking to be 5 years out from my first loss.
Its been a lot harder to cope with than I had predicted. I've caught myself if tears multiple times, but have been able to suck it up when needed.

James, 

My darling, I can't believe its been 5 years... where has time gone? 

I love and miss you so very, very much.

Daddy and I thought about you all day yesterday, but didn't get to celebrate your time with us until today. We went down to the local cupcake shop and bought a cupcake for each of us and enjoyed them for dessert. You would have loved them. 

I hope you haven't forgotten how much I love you, and how much you mean to me. You'll always be Mommy's special boy. 

I love you.

Love,

Mommy

Birthday cupcakes!
Red velvet with WSU chocolate (in honor of Apple Cup)
and Chocolate Cheesecake
by Sweet Mutiny

One in Four

This was made for a class project, but was more healing than I can describe. I hope it brings a little awareness to the world about the issue of infant loss and how it deeply affects the women and families that survive it. Living without your child is a fate worse than death.