Retorn Wounds

We're coming upon that day... June 12th... a day that is my personal hell. Only a few minutes after midnight, after the tolling of June 12th, Daniel slipped away.
The pain, the excruciating heartbreak, the unstoppable tears...
Everything still feels so fresh when I start to think about it.
The shower, the blood, the horrendous cramping, the look on Dave's face.
I even attempted to make things better by returning to normal not 30 minutes after everything had come to its climax. Asking for a glass of milk... chocolate milk actually... Dave made it for me while I cleaned myself up and got dressed after the shower.
Things have never returned to "normal" since that night. We had finally found a new "normal" after the twins... and then we found ourselves pregnant again... the loss of Daniel was devestating.
I never saw Dave cry... he says he did. Both when I was getting dressed after our loss and in the waiting room the next morning at the clinic. I wasn't present either time. On the other hand my tears were unending for what seemed like months.
Now there aren't so many tears from me. But it still hurts.
I get asked a lot how we knew Daniel was a boy. To be honest, we don't know for sure... but our gut said 'boy' so we went with it. Dave named our little fish... I don't know how he came up with the name Daniel Bishop, but he did and I fell in love with it. I should really ask him... maybe I can get him to write a blurb about it... that would mean everything to me.
I realize I'm rambling, but it feels good. Just to put everything on my mind out there.
This June 12th I will be alone. Dave is still working on the west side and non of my friends here understand or even know about Daniel. I feel like I could possibly reveal it to Saber, but I'm not sure. The last person I really let in broke my heart.
I don't know what I'll do... maybe I'll ask off work, but maybe I'll request to work. Maybe just keeping busy with other things will be best?
I don't know... Last year we celebrated, and I loved it. It was perfect. This year will be different. If I can open up to Saber than I'll probably ask off, and ask if she and her beau will go to dinner with me to celebrate. I just don't know. Its all so confusing.

A Mother's Request

I have a request... and feel free to ignore it.

Last year for Daniel's 1st angelversary I asked for emails/letter/cards of any kind to Daniel or to me about how knowing him as affected you. I got one letter. I'm going to try again. So this year for his 2nd angelversary (June 12th) I'm asking the same thing...

If you have been touched in any way by Daniel please send me and email/letter in honor of his second angelversary. Letters can be anonymous.

I just want to know my little fish hasn't been forgotten ♥

You can send letters to:
Kay Nelson
710 SE Chinook Dr
Apt J45
Pullman WA 99163

or

heavensnursery@live.com

Thank you.

If Only Dreams Where Real

Last night I had a dream about Daniel, Dave and I just living our lives... we were at the mall running errands or something along those lines. 16 month old Daniel was tottering along, in attempts to be independent as toddlers do, and Dave and I were enjoying having him there.
Dave seemed so happy... I know that it was just a dream, but I know I can't make him as happy as he seemed in my dream. It makes me upset and makes me wonder if a child will really do that. 
I wish Daniel was here to cuddle and play... I miss you so much little boy.

I love you.

i love your stomach because it's not concaved. you eat, you treat your body right and don't starve yourself. it was also where you kept Daniel safe for far longer than anyone though you could

I got really down on myself today, and in his successful attempts to make me feel better Dave sent me this ^
It took two seconds before the tears started flowing and I was gone. There is NOTHING he could have said that was better than that... I hate my body, I have horrible self esteem. And this reminder that in a way I succeeded in something, that my body succeeded in something was the boost I needed.
Sure I've said in the past that my body failed me, but I need to stop thinking like that... my body didn't fail me, it actually did a lot better than expected with Daniel. The doctors told me to not even get attached because there was no hope. But my body gave me the chance... the chance to love my little boy. The chance for Dave to love his little boy.

My body didn't fail... it succeeded.

Letter to Heaven

Dear Daniel,
I really miss you tonight baby boy. The guilt has gotten to an unbearable point. There's no good reason I couldn't have held on to you longer. I should have been able to make it long enough to at least hold you.
I'm sorry I failed you. I hate that word, "fail", but there's really no other word. My job was to keep you safe, and keep you healthy and it didn't happen.
The doctors gave you no chance, but as your mother I always had hope. Whether or not I should have, I did. I had hope that I would hold you tight and see you smile someday.
I always had hope.
I love you so much Daniel.
Love,
Mommy

What is going on?

I feel like I'm loosing him all over again.
Daniel, why do I feel like you're slipping away?
There's no real reason for it, I'm healing and that's healthy, right?
Then why do I feel so horrible?
Why do I feel like I'm leaving him behind?
Whats wrong with me...
I love him just as much.
I miss him less because I'm accepting he's not ever going to be here.
I'm accepting that I will never hold him, never kiss him, and never tell him I love him.
Is that wrong?
Is my acceptance really me letting go?
I don't want to let go, I don't want to forget.
Can I forget? Is that even possible?
Why do I feel like this?

Missing

Dave went away for 6 weeks to work on the other side of the state, and I miss him so very much. I find that if I'm missing Dave and its to the point of tears I'm also aching for Daniel.
Daniel was his father's son... he brought me so much joy. Even for the short amount of time we had him. Dave is my only connection to our little boy. I'm not sure how he would feel about that.
When Dave is gone... Daniel is completely gone.
I hate this...

Strange Experience

Today as I drove to get some errands done, I rolled down the windows to enjoy the breeze on such a wonderful day.
The sudden urge to let my kids in the back seat know that if it was too windy that I could roll up the windows...
There are no kids in the back seat...
I have no kids...
There is no rhyme or reason for why I felt the need to do this.There is no legitimate reason for me to do this.
Why is there a need for me to try and make non existent children comfortable?

Mother's Day

Mother's Day for the Grieving Mother

I did not write this....
I have borrowed it to help others who wish to reach out to bereaved moms on Mothers Day.
http://www.funeral-poems.com/grieving-mothers.htm 

What Grieving Mothers Want for Mother's Day  By Renee Wood
Has this ever happened to you?
Someone you care about--a family member, a friend or an acquaintance - has lost a child and you don't know what to say or do to comfort their grief?
As Mother's Day approaches, even though they are heavy on your heart, your fear and discomfort drives you into silence and you end up saying and doing nothing at all.

The Comfort Company, an online retailer of unique sympathy gifts, recently conducted a web-based survey asking grieving mothers, "What can others say, do or give that would bring you comfort on Mother's Day?".
Over 80 percent of the nearly 100 respondents answered, "Recognize that I am a mother" to the question. In addition, nearly every mother surveyed wanted their loss to be remembered with a card, a phone call, a gift or a hug. Over half of the mothers surveyed considered Mother's Day to be their most difficult holiday.

In response to the heartfelt answers given by the survey participants,  the Comfort Campany has issued a list of the ten things grieving mothers want most for Mother's Day:

1. Recognize that they are a Mother: Offer a hug and a "Happy Mother's Day". Send a simple Mother's Day card to let them know you remember that they are a mother even though their child is not with them physically.

2. Acknowledge that they have had a loss: Express the message, "I know this might be a difficult day for you. I want you to know that I am thinking about you today." Removing the wall of silence gives a grieving mother permission to talk about her child.

3. Use their child's name in conversation: Saying the name of a child who has died is like music to a grieving mothers ears. One mother suggested, "Say his name and ask me my fondest memory of him from past Mother's Days".

4. Plant a living memorial: This is a wonderful day to plant a tree or flower bulbs in memory of the child. This is something that will live on as a beautiful reminder in the years to come.

5. Visit the Gravesite: Many mothers felt that it was "extremely thoughtful" when others visited their child's gravesite and left flowers or a small pebble near the headstone.

6. Light a Candle: Let the mother know you will light a candle in memory of their child on Mother's Day.

7. Share a Memory or Pictures of the Child: Give the precious gift of a memory. One mother wrote that the "greatest gift you can give is a heart felt letter about my child and your most lovely moments with them".

8. Send a Gift of Remembrance: Many mothers suggested appropriate gifts of remembrance that would bring them comfort. These items included: an angel statue, a piece of jewelry, a memory box, a memorial candle, a picture frame, a library book donation, an ornament, memorial poetry, anything personalized with the child's name or a date, books on grief, a garden stone or a toy donation in the child's name.

9. Don't try to minimize their loss: Avoid using any cliches that attempt to explain the death of a child. ( "God needed another angel.") Secondly, don't try to find anything positive about the loss ( "You still have two healthy children" or "She's in a better place").

10. Encourage Self-Care: Self-care is an important aspect of the "healing the mind and spirit effort" according to several mothers. Encourage a grieving mother to take care of herself.  Give her a gift certificate to a day spa or any place where she can be pampered and take her mind off of her grief for an hour or two.