This is going to be a rant- You have been warned.
Over the last few days I've been angry.
Angry at myself, a my professors, at my job, at the world.
If you had talked to me four, three, even two years ago I could have told you a rough map of what my future looked like. Or at least what I wanted it to look like.
It would have involved graduating, getting married, starting a family.
6 months ago it looked like, graduation, getting married, starting grad school, starting a family.
Right now- graduate, get married, figure out a new job until D graduates, settle where he needs to go, maybe start grad school if we settle where it is possible, work any job I can find.
Notice "start a family" has disappeared? There are no children in my future as of right now. It is not even a possibility. Between finances and school there is no chance, unless there's an accident.
Right now an accident would be catastrophic to our wedding plans- involves in traveling and fitting into a wedding dress. I don't want anything to ruin our wedding, especially since so much money has been put down on it.
At one point we had made plans to try and get pregnant on the honeymoon, or at least just stop using contraceptives. That's absolutely not an option anymore.
And it hurts.
Something I held on to as an "end goal" to all the bull shit of college and a crappy job is gone. Completely gone. I don't even have anything to look forward to anymore.
I have a sucky job, a crappy semester that ends with a graduation with a degree that is useless (until I get my chance at grad school).
I admit I have the wedding to look forward to, and I really am looking forward to becoming the wife of the most amazing man I know. But I guess the issue was that I was looking forward to the potential of a pregnancy not too long after the wedding.
I should be thankful for what I have... right now I'm just fucking angry.
Over the last few days I've been angry.
Angry at myself, a my professors, at my job, at the world.
If you had talked to me four, three, even two years ago I could have told you a rough map of what my future looked like. Or at least what I wanted it to look like.
It would have involved graduating, getting married, starting a family.
6 months ago it looked like, graduation, getting married, starting grad school, starting a family.
Right now- graduate, get married, figure out a new job until D graduates, settle where he needs to go, maybe start grad school if we settle where it is possible, work any job I can find.
Notice "start a family" has disappeared? There are no children in my future as of right now. It is not even a possibility. Between finances and school there is no chance, unless there's an accident.
Right now an accident would be catastrophic to our wedding plans- involves in traveling and fitting into a wedding dress. I don't want anything to ruin our wedding, especially since so much money has been put down on it.
At one point we had made plans to try and get pregnant on the honeymoon, or at least just stop using contraceptives. That's absolutely not an option anymore.
And it hurts.
Something I held on to as an "end goal" to all the bull shit of college and a crappy job is gone. Completely gone. I don't even have anything to look forward to anymore.
I have a sucky job, a crappy semester that ends with a graduation with a degree that is useless (until I get my chance at grad school).
I admit I have the wedding to look forward to, and I really am looking forward to becoming the wife of the most amazing man I know. But I guess the issue was that I was looking forward to the potential of a pregnancy not too long after the wedding.
I should be thankful for what I have... right now I'm just fucking angry.
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