What if?

This weekend I sprained my ankle and am on crutches. I'm currently almost completely reliant on D to get things done and worked out... What if we had a baby right now, what would we do? I couldn't carry the baby, and I can't currently drive.
I'm barely able to take care of my suggies right now... I'd be horribly failing as a mother if I had a baby to care for because of my injury...

Jealousy

Its an ugly thing jealousy... a feeling that doesn't make anyone feel good.
No one is immune from an occasional jealous streak, some people can hide it better than others.
Most of the time I can, usually I'm really good about not letting little things get to me when it comes to jealousy.
Things like a skinny pretty girl, or someone having the phone I really really want.
Little petty things are no big deal.

Shrug and move on.

Angel moms who got the chance to hold or see or be with their babies, get photos, and cuddle time, and a funeral or a final goodbye...
That's one of those things I have a hard time shrugging and moving on from.
The jealousy I have over that- it's paralyzing in the worst way.
I'm so happy that those mom's got that, I honestly am.
I just wish I had gotten that same opportunity.
A final goodbye- maybe I wouldn't hurt this way, having more closure and a formal goodbye.
I would never wish for a stillbirth, never, but a very sad part of me would prefer it over a miscarriage...
Does that make me a horrible person? Either way I'd have an angel...

I don't know.

Photos- photography means so much to me, as it does to many others. Pictures to hold on to forever would be so incredible. I would kill for that. To hold and kiss my child, and have that all documented. Proof, more than anything photos are proof my child existed...

I don't have that.

I don't have anything really. Some material items that are sad ghosts of what they should be.
A baby blanket that has never held a child.
A onesie that has never been worn.
Toys that have never been played with.
Sad husks of what they should be, what they are meant to be.
What I do have? I have grainy ultrasound photos, and memories.

Memories are worth everything.

They're all I have.
Memories.
Naming my little girl, cuddling the teddy bear the hospital gave me...
Arguing names for James with D...
Finding out I was pregnant with Daniel...
D telling Daniel stories while we were cuddling in bed...
The looks D gave me and how worried he looked when I was walking down my apartments terrifying stairs.
I only talk about the good memories- the bad ones make me feel sick to my stomach. My memories are precious, but I find myself wishing for more.

Always wishing for more.

Non Angel Mom Friendly Movies

This is a list of movies that have caught angel mom's off guard with their content, either a moment, something that was said, ect.
I put this list together to help others- please use this list to make a judgement of what you can handle. Some people can handle all of these right off the bat, other cannot.

Disney's Up - main character experiences an implied infant loss at beginning of movie
Paranormal Activity- Scary scenes involving a toddler
Alien V Predator: Requiem - Brutal and gory murder of pregnant woman involving her fetus.
Titanic- Floating infant in water after ship sinks
Dawn of the Dead- Infant born Zombie
Marley and Me - Main character suffers a miscarriage
The Hand that Rocks the Cradle - Woman becomes stalker after her own child is stillborn
Pay it Forward- Murder of child by other children
The Unborn- Infant dies in womb, then haunts twin sister
Orphan- Infant dies at birth, mom scatters ashes in rose bush, evil child burns rose bush
1408- Little girl dies of cancer, turns to ashes in father's arms (in hallucination)
Avatar- Main character watches brother's remains cremated
The Secret Life of Bees- Main characters find sister's body in creek after she drowns herself
Gone in the Night- Little girl kidnapped and murdered, second child taken into protective custody (Based on true events)
The Watchmen- Pregnant woman shot and killed, infant also dies
Benjamin Button- Infant dies at end of movie

If there is a movie you think should be added to the list please let me know!

Inner monologue

This posting was inspired by a blog post by Emma.

Sad: A baby could make everything better- I wouldn't feel so empty and useless
Logic: You can't afford a baby right now! You're a student!
Sad: But lots of students have babies and the state helps them out just fine
Logic: Yes, but what about D? He's not ready for a baby and you can't do that to him. You're so unbelievably selfish.
Sad: Just make me feel guilty...
Logic: Stop being stupid and maybe you wouldn't feel that way.
Sad: Thanks- that helped.
Logic: This conversation is over, you're too irrational to talk to.
Sad: Fuck you...
Logic: Bite me.

Yeah that about covers it... No wonder I feel so bat shit crazy...

What am I doing?

A new year has come and its supposed to be a time of renewal.  I wish I could spout out my resolutions and talk about how hopeful I am for a new year.

Unfortunately, I can't.

I suddenly feel more hopeless now than I have in a  long time...

I can't say why for sure.

I'm projected to graduate in December of 2013, which means I could be married in 2014, and holding a baby as soon as 2015. I should be happy right?

I turned 21, and have the luxury of enjoying an adult beverage every once in a while. 
My bonding with my gliders has taken an amazing turn and they're my little loves. I love being with them and I love playing with them.

My classes this semester are amazing and so far I love them all. 

D and I applied for an apartment together on campus, we'll finally live together in a stable apartment, I couldn't be happier.

Yet, I have felt almost completely hopeless for the last few days.

Maybe my depression is back- maybe I need to see a counselor... they're free on campus. I should probably take advantage of it...

I don't want people to look down on me for going to counseling... for being weak.

Its a downward spiral I've started in on. I'm sure my constant drinking on the weekends doesn't help in anyway. But it helps me unwind, am I on my way to alcoholism?

What am I doing? Letting myself fall- I wish someone could save me, but I am probably the only person who can.