Totally Cute

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I've learned that even though I've felt unbelievably sad the last two days that today is another day of hope.
I've come to terms that I've accepted the loss of James, but not Kylie. Understandable as I held Kylie, and had her longer. I feel sad over the loss of both of them, but especially Kylie.
David put me in the best mood this morning because of a dream he had last night. He told me he dreamt about Kylie. And the little red dress we want to get her for her first Birthday/Christmas. It was so adorable and just made me happy. I wasn't sad like I thought I'd be.
Thank you for sharing that with me David. You have no idea how healing it can be.

Top 10 Things Not to Say

10.Better luck next time
9. Can we talk about something else?
8. Life goes on.
7. I know how you feel.
6. Be thankful for what you have.
5. Just be glad you never got to know the baby.
4. It probably won't happen again.
3. It just wasn't ment to be.
2. Don't cry. Don't be sad.
And the number one thing not to say to a grieving parent: 1. You're young. You'll have more.

One year

I find myself at the one year anniversary of discoverying my pregnancy. Where I live means I can't have candles, but I found "battery powered" candles. Last night I turned them on and let them glow for about an hour. I took a picture.
I'm so sad that they're gone and I'd kill to be pregnant again. I know its not feasible. I wish it was. I really really do.

Haunting in the Night

It's coming on One year since I became pregnant. Thats crazy for me to think about. But as I get closer to the Angel Dates of my babies nightmares are starting to haunt me. Each night its something different. Something I do to loose them. I don't know how to stop these. It's so awful.
Last night I was holding Kylie again. She was bigger and more developed. Beautiful and pure. Maybe 17 weeks instead of 8. Then she started crying as if in pain, and then she convulsed and died. I was so upset. It was so terrible.
I thank god that she went to angels asleep...

A picture

Blankies, Hope Chests, and Closure

I'm so happy!!! The blanket Kylie was held in before the angels took her, is finally going to be in my possesion. A family friend had been taking care of it for me and getting the blood out of it. I can't wait for it to arrive!!!
And!!! Another family friend is making me a hope chest. This way I'll have a special box for all the little things that go along with Kylie and James. From Kylie's blanket, to the candles from the Memorial. I'm so happy.
I feel like closure and acceptance is finally here. As I've said before, I know that sad days may come, but the sun is shining behind the clouds.

A light at the end of the tunnel

Yesterday David and I went to the "Gallatin County Infant Memorial Walk." It was incredible. It was its first year so it had a couple of issues but otherwise it was amazing. I loved it and I found a little more closure.
David drove 7 hours to come be with my for the day so I wouldn't be alone. Having him there was such an amazing feeling. And I'm pretty sure I saw atleast one tear.
I took some pictures and started the twins their own photo album, I'll link it up here.
http://www.flickr.com/photos/31188143@N08/
You can also get to it through their webpage too.
http://www.mybabymemorial.com/memorial/page/kirstennelson/index.html
I've decided to change up the background color of their page about every week. This weeks it's pink for Kylie. Last week it was blue for James. Who knows what color it will be next week!
I feel so much better about life, I feel like I've accepted this loss. I know that there will be sad days in the future, but I know too that life is here for me to live and my angels wouldn't want me giving up!

Holidays are coming

The holidays are coming, and normally this is my favorite time of the year...
Last year was hard to get through, loosing my angels during the holidays. But this year I find it almost harder. At this point they would be here, beautiful 3 month old babies, and I would be picking out their first halloween costumes. But I'm not and now I walk into store selling halloween costumes and find myself fighting back tears. It brings me back to how I felt this last mother's day...
I hadn't really communicated my with my fiance very well about how I was coping (or lack of) with my loss. Mother's day rolled around and I kept face for my own mother, but cried whenever I was alone. I wanted nothing more than to be a mother. I had heard of men doing something special for their wives after a miscarriage for mother's day... I had secretly hoped David would. But as I said, at that point I kept everything to myself. He didn't do anything special, I don't even remember if I saw him that day.
That's all in the past now, and I don't hold anything against my fiance, don't get me wrong. But now that Halloween is rolling around (one of my favorite holidays) and I see all the adorable baby costumes I find myself trying not to cry at the very sight of them.
I'm spending Halloween with David this year thankfully. Hopefully it'll be a year I can live through.