Happy 3rd Heavenly Birthday James!

Happy 3rd Birthday in Heaven my handsome little boy! 

Mommy and Daddy love you so much and miss you everyday.

I hope you are celebrating with your siblings and family!

I love you!

For my angels

I didn't make this vide, but I adore this song.
<3 James <3 Kylie <3 Daniel <3

Lying Through My Teeth

There are days where I just have to lie through my teeth, to myself and others.
If people knew the thoughts that ran through my head...
I'd be put away forever.
I tell myself I'm happy, and that tomorrow will be better.
I tell those I love that I'm "fine" and that nothing really matters.
"No I don't want a party for James' third" is a blatant lie,
I just don't want to be the one to plan it,
Because the let down of no one wanting to come would kill me,
I can lie about my pain to keep others from hurting...
Until it kills me.

Birthday confusion

I had wanted to have a little birthday party with friends for James, but not sure I will now. 
Don't want to make any of my friend uncomfortable plus if they feel obligated to show up that will take all the "fun" out of it. 
I was going to make cupcakes, watch "Cars" and just be with friends but I don't know anymore.

Insanity

Inside my head I'm going crazy.

I fight with myself constantly.

"You can have a baby now if you get your act together"
"You can not have a baby now, you're education needs to come first"
"But what about your heart? Its broken in so many pieces and a baby might help"
"It will only be broken more if you lose another child"
"You've always wanted to be a young mom"
"20 is too young, you can't even drink yet"

This is constantly cycling in my head.

Make it stop.

Cut out my heart.

Cut out my soul.

Silence this argument.

It hurts too much.

Its killing me.

The insanity is killing me.