Poem I found

Thought of you with love today,
but that is nothing new.
I thought about you yesterday,
and days before that too.
I think of you in silence,
I often speak your name.
All I have are memories and a picture in a frame.
Your memory is a keepsake,
with which I'll never part.
God has you in His keeping,
I have you in my hear 

-Author Unknown

Babylost Mother's Day

International Baby Lost Mother's Day is coming up in about a week (May 2nd) and I've started thinking about it seriously. I know I wont do anything for myself and I don't expect anyone else to do anything for me, but I would like to do something for my fellow angel mommy friends. I haven't decided what, and I don't have very long to plan and execute. I have some ideas but I wont post them here in case any of the women ready my blog (probably not but who knows!) I will definitely post after the fact though to share with everyone!

I realize my last post was a little harsh and probably offended some people. I'm sorry but I was really angry and my blog is my coping mechanism. I try not to be overly negative but sometimes I just need to get it all out.

David's been amazing and we're still going strong through out all of this. Daniel was our little blessing and we miss him very much. Maybe sometime David will do a post on here to let you all know how he is. I've heard a few requests for it, so maybe I'll work on that this week too.

Hope the rest of your day is gentle.

Dear God

Dear God,

I've tried to understand, I've tried to not question.
I've tried to let it go, and I've tried to accept it all.

It wasn't fair of you, to take my little ones.
You have more than enough angels, you don't need mine too.

You've taken so many wanted angels, how can someone still believe you are "merciful?"
Love and compassion are hard to believe in when a much loved child is taken away.

There is no "plan" is there?
You dole out suffering like candy?
There are so many angel mom's who don't deserve this pain,
and so many women with beautiful children who don't care or want them.

If I don't believe in you, you can't hurt me.
But if I don't believe in you, I can't blame you.
Blame for the loss of my little ones falls to me.
I'd rather blame and hate you.
Its lame and immature, but I don't know what else to do.

You took my twins, I understood...
I was young and not ready, merely a high school student.
I still love them.
But I understood why they were better off in Heaven.

Then you took Daniel.
I was still young but I was going to make it work.
I loved him more than my own life.
There was no sacrifice I wasn't willing to make for that little one.
And you decided I wasn't worthy,
I wasn't good enough,
I couldn't do it.
So you took him away.
You dealt me the worst pain I've ever endured and took my little boy.
For that I hate you.
I hate you so much.
That little peanut safe in my womb was my life.
I was so happy.
But I'm not allowed that am I?
You don't want that for me?
No, in fact you took him and then decided I was too insignificant for you to care about,
A double blow.

I hate you.

A very angry woman-

Mommy of three Angels

Dear James

Dear James,

Hello there my big boy! I miss you so much my prince. I hope you're being good and not causing too much trouble, a little is okay, keeps the angels on their toes!

I miss you so much. I'm sorry I don't write you as often as I should; it might seem like all my attention is on little Daniel, but I think about you all the time. I try to talk to you every night and remind you that mommy loves you very much.

Today, I saw a little boy riding a tricycle and thought about how much you'd like that. The weather's been so nice that I'd love to be taking you to the park to run around and get all that little boy energy out of you!

I promise I'll write again soon. I love you James.

Love

Mommy

Dear Kylie

Dear Kylie,

Hey baby girl, I know I haven't written in a while. Sorry, princess. You deserve better than that. I do try to talk to you every day, do you hear me?

Everyday I see little girls your age playing on campus here. The other day I saw a little girl in a tutu and wings, I laughed and thought about you. I can only imagine you dancing around Heaven with your beautiful wings and a very pretty dress.

I bet you're gorgeous, princess. I like to believe you have dark brown eyes like your daddy's, I hope you have his infectious smile too. Daddy and I love you very much, and miss you everyday.

Take care of your little brother and help keep James out of trouble.

I love you so much, and I'll write again soon.

Love

Mommy

I'm ready now the rest of my life needs to catch up

I'm ready to be a mommy mentally.

Now, the rest of my life needs to catch up.
I need to get through school, and become financially independent. I need to get married, and David needs to feel ready.

I know I need to wait. And everyone says I need to wait. I've accepted it. I've resigned to waiting forever, or until a miracle occurs.

I also need to wait physically. My body can't handle a pregnancy... I doubt it ever will. At this point in time I wonder if I'll ever have my own baby, or children at all. IVF is expensive and so is adoption. I want to carry my own baby... I want to cary David's baby.

Again its all about waiting. Society dictates that I should get through school, get a job, get married, work, and when I'm about 30 maybe start thinking about kids. At this moment is say f*ck society they can kiss my ass. But I wont go against society...because thats "bad".

f*ck.

Letter to Heaven

Dear Daniel,

I bet your brother and sister are frustrated with me... I don't seem to write them very often anymore. I do talk to them though, so tell them not to be mad. I'll write them, I promise.

Mommy misses you so much little one. I can't believe that you've been gone for so long. The counter says something like 9 months, 4 weeks, and a few days.... that's such a long time... It hurts me so badly, I'd give anything to bring you back. I'd take your place in a heart beat.

Daddy and I had a good talk today. It really helped and made me feel better. I know you're safe in Heaven... a true paradise. I could never give you something as perfect as Heaven. I'm not perfect at all. I wouldn't be a good mommy anyways. Heaven is probably the best place for you... I can wish and dream as much as I want for you to be here or to be a good mommy for you. We all know its not true.

I love you tiny boy. Sleep sweet and I'll see you in my dreams.

Love,

Mommy

Memories

I may not have the memories of holding my little boy, of hearing his heart beat, or seeing his perfect toes. I cannot remember back to what color his hair is, or the look on his daddy's face when he first held him. I'll never be able to tell you the delicate smell of his hair, or the softness of his skin.

But I do have the memories of the first and only ultrasound, David telling him stories, the special look David gave me when I carried his baby boy. That special feeling of having Daniel safe inside my womb.

These memories mean just as much if not more to me as yours do to you.

♥ Daniel ♥

Another Letter

Dear Baby Daniel,

I miss you so much tonight, there's a candle burning for you... it doens't help me too much but sometimes I hope you can see it. I can't believe how much it still hurts honey. Everyone tells me you wouldn't want me to be sad, and that you're safest and happiest in Heaven. They say Heaven is paradise and that I shouldn't wish you away from there, but good lord I wish you were here with me.

You'd be 2 months old yesterday. My little boy... my little prince... my little fish.

I'd give anything to cuddle you close to me. I miss you so much Daniel.

Be good for your brother and sister; don't forget how much Daddy and I love you.

Love,

Mommy

Hole

Giant, gaping, painful hole,
Straight through my chest,
Nothing fills it,
Nothing helps the pain,
Tears fall,
Screams escape,
Nothing stops the pain,
Nothing closes the hole,
I can't do this anymore