What should be

My twins should be 16 months old, learning to walk, and talk, and so beautiful...

I should be 29 weeks into my pregnancy with Daniel.
Instead I'm childless, and living alone in a run down apartment 700 miles away from their daddy wondering where I'm going in life.
Yes, David and I are engaged and that means so much to me.
I can't help but wonder what would have been if everything had turned out differently... what everything should be...

Little angel

little angel,
oh so sweet,
two years with your angel wings,
we love you so.
♥ James Michael 11-23-07 ♥

2nd angelversary for James

Little James,
I can't believe you've been an angel for two years!
Daddy and I miss you so much little man and I think about you all the time.
I hope you're helping to take care of your siblings and being a good boy.
Have fun today and eat lots of angel cake!
I love you.
Floaty kisses
Mommy

This is me

This is me,
These are my tears,
This is my broken heart,
I cannot stop the tears from falling,
I cannot keep the hurt from hurting,
This is a fake smile,
This laughter isn't real,
I hide this from everyone,
No one really sees the pain,
These are the screams,
This is the hurt,
This isn't who I want to be,
This is who I am,
This is the person Life has made me,
I don't want to be sad,
I don't want to ever cry,
This isn't what I want,
But This....
......This is me.

All the things I would do

If I you were still here.

• Play classical music through headphones on my round belly for you to hear.
• Wrap my hands around my belly and tell you how much I love you.
• Count each kick and movement
• Do everything I could to keep you healthy
• Read to you from my favorite poetry books of my childhood
• Tell you about your Daddy and how much he loves you

I miss you so much little Daniel. I want you to be here so badly. I miss you everyday.
I love you tiny angel.

A dream

Heaven's Nursery
A dream brought to life
Please visit the site and let me know what you think.

A letter

Dear Daniel,
I think about you a lot. I'm not as sad anymore. Sometimes I can't help but cry but I've been okay. Daddy and I live really far away from each other right now. Will you look out for him for me? I don't know how he's doing really, he tries to be strong. I worry about him. I hope you're being good for your big brother and sister.
How are Kylie and James? I need to write them a letter soon too. Hopefully they remember that I love them so much and that I miss them. I know I talk to you a lot right now. But I miss them just as much.
Have you met your uncle Peter? I asked him to look out for you and make sure that you're safe. You've got a two great grandma's and a couple great grandpa's up there and great great grandma arrived a little before your older siblings. Hopefully, they're all doting on you and showing you and your siblings the love I couldn't.
I'd give anything to hold you and your siblings tight. Have an hour with each of you, to hold you close to me and kiss you over and over. I miss you so much. If I could have held you once it would have meant the world.
I love you so much my littlest angel. Don't forget that mommy loves you.
Love and Kisses,
Mommy