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Lily's Legacy
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For David II

The strength of a man isn't seen in the width of his shoulders.
It's in the width of his arms that encircle you.

The strength of a man isn't in the deep tone of his voice.
It's in the gentle words he whispers.

The strength of a man isn't how many buddies he has.
It's how good of buddies he is with his children.

The strength of a man isn't in how respected he is at work.
It's in how respected he is at home.

The strength of a man isn't in how hard he hits.
It's in how tender he touches.

The strength in a man isn't in the hair on his chest.
It's in his Heart...that lies within his chest.

The strength of a man isn't how many women he's loved.
It's in can he be true to one woman.

The strength of a man isn't in the weight he can lift.
It's in the burdens he can carry.

Jacqueline Marie Griffiths (written for Hunt D. Rochon)

Poems to help me heal

I dream
I dream that you're in paradise,
A very perfect place,
And that you are taken care of,
Better than I ever could,
I pray that you know only good,
And never come to know harm,
Where life is pure and simple,
Unlike the chaos down here,
I hope that you never miss me,
The way that I miss you,
That you are happy,
And know no fear,
I'll always be your momma,
You'll always be my baby.

They
They ask me why I cry,
Even though they know you've gone,
They say its time to move on,
All though I never will,
They tell me I'm not the same,
I'll never be who I was,
They tell me you've gone to a better place,
But you aren't here with me.

Understanding
Please just understand,
These tears must fall,
I wear a mask to hide the sorrow,
You don't have to fix my problems,
Just understand my tears.

Wave of Light

Tonight at 7pm was the International Wave of Light for infant loss awareness.

So many people lit candles,
Even people who haven't lost children of their own.
Thank you so much for everyone who did. It means so much to me and other angel parents!

Candle I lit at 7pm
For babies who have left this earth too soon.

James, Kylie, and Daniel,
I love you each so much.
You're each special to me in your own way.
I miss you every day.
Someday I'll hold you each tight.
I love you.
Mommy

Angry

Anger.
Pure red anger.
I don't know what has brought it on.
I want to blame someone for Daniel becoming an angel.
The only person I can find to legitimately being angry with is me.
I must have done something to cause him to grow wings.
Did I trip? Did I sleep on my stomach?
What did I do?
Why?

A Prayer

Give Her Back To Me

by Diane Rowan

Blessed Mother up above,
give my baby all your love.
Hold her tight against your breast,
let her lie her head to rest.

No more pain, nor endless suffering,
only tenderness and cuddling.
And please dear Mother hear my plea
when I die, give her back to me.

Heaven's Nursery

I close my eyes and take a breath,
And see them sleeping there,
Each in their own nursery cradle,
Rocking gently in the light breeze,
An angel tends each child,
Giving them the love they each deserve,
Family that has returned to Heaven visits them each day,
And when they grow out of their cradle,
Their angel takes them to the playground,
Where they play all day,
And laugh and run,
Older kids watching out for the younger ones,
Family plays with the little ones,
Angels watch out for them,
Guiding them through Heaven,
This is where I like to believe my angels are right now,
Since they can't be with me.

Dedicated to Little Speck and Lily, and my Angel Babies

New Angel Graces Heaven

A new angel is soon to grace heaven,
Say prayer and light a candle for Emma and her family.



A candle for each of her angels

The shock

It hit me like a brick wall when I read your status update that said you were 6 weeks pregnant.
A flood gate of emotions was opened.
Fear.
Joy.
Jealousy.
Fear.
Hope.
I silently said a little prayer and hoped that your little Lily will be looking after you and your newest love.
I pushed down the jealousy and realized how incredible this was, and how I hoped that you got the joy of a precious darling baby.
I'll be here for you every step of the way... it doesn't even matter that we live on opposite sides of this massive planet.
22,666 km is a long way from my little town to your city, but it doesn't matter to me... I'm there with you in spirit.
We've never met face to face, but I feel like you're a sister.

Today's Walk

Today's walk was fantastic! A little chilly but a great Walk none the less.
Kim took over 250 photos (all up on the official site) and most of them turned out beautifully.
I got a little bit of closure for Daniel and feel like I've come to complete closure for my twins. I miss my angel twins a lot but I feel like they're in a safe place now. I miss Daniel still so much, and I don't know if closure will be remotely possible until at least after his due date in February.
Judy (in charge of the Walk) was amazingly supportive through it all. At the end of the Walk Judy gave me a Comfort Cub.
Comfort Cub's are 5 pound teddy bears given to grieving parents. There's something about their weight that is unbelievably comforting. I took a nap with mine today, and had it laying on my chest. The comfort of that weight, and the sensation that it was my Daniel there instead of a teddy bear was so incredible.
Thank you Judy for giving me this comfort.
Can't wait for next year's walk!!!

Lies

My Mum, she tells a lot of lies,
She never did before.
But from now until she dies,
She'll tell a whole lot more.

Ask my Mum how she is
And because she can't explain,
She will tell a little lie
Because she can't describe the pain.

Ask my Mum how she is,
She'll say "I'm alright."
If that's the truth, then tell me,
why does she cry each night ?

Ask my Mum how she is,
She seems to cope so well.
She didn't have a choice you see,
Nor the strength to yell.

Ask my Mum how she is,
"I'm fine, I'm well, I'm coping."
For God's sake Mum, just tell the truth,
Just say your heart is broken.

She'll love me all her life,
I loved her all of mine.
But if you ask her how she is,
She'll lie and say she's fine.

I am Here in Heaven.
I cannot hug from here.
If she lies to you don't listen,
Hug her and hold her near.

On the day we meet again,
We'll smile and I'll be bold.
I'll say, "You're lucky to get in here, Mum,
With all the lies you told!"

-Author Unknown

Thank you

Thank you Katie for lighting these three beautiful candles for my three beautiful angels.
I don't think you'll ever know how much this really truly means to me.
Thank you so much.

For David

A Father's Grief
Eileen Knight Hagemeister

It must be very difficult
To be a man in grief,
Since "men don't cry"
and "men are strong".
No tears can bring relief.
It must be very difficult
To stand up to the test
And field the calls and visitors
So she can get some rest.
They always ask if she's all right
And what she's going through.
But seldom take his hand and ask,
"My friend, but how are you?"
He hears her crying in the night
And thinks his heart will break.
He dries her tears and comforts her,
But "stays strong" for her sake .
It must be very difficult
To start each day a new .
And try to be so very brave-
He lost his baby too.

David, everyday you're so strong for me. I want you to know its okay to cry... with or without me. I'm always going to see you as my superman, even if you're sad. I love you so much.

Daniel loves you so much.

What about us?

What about us, who's baby was lost so early, no body to bury, no sex to know.
We're moms too... let us be. Please.

What about us, the low income.
The young women who go to the free clinic to confirm the loss, and are sent home without any kind of compassion shown. So many women talk about the healing power of care packages that were sent home from the hospital with them. What about us? No one seems to care about us. We tend to be low income, can't afford to honor our loves.

What about us, the young women who can't tell a soul?
The fear of our parents disappointment, our peers pushing us away. We have nothing to hold on to, no one to talk to.

What about us, the young women who feel guilt?
Teen pregnancy is frowned upon, and maybe it was God's will to take the baby since we weren't ready... We're happy we don't have that burden, we don't feel ready to care for a child. Then there's the guilt of being free of the burden. We can't talk to our peers, parents, sometimes not even our partners...

What about us, the scared and alone.

Today

Today isn't any different from any other day.
Woke up thinking you were still here, and remembered that you'd gone.
Pulled myself out of bed and got ready for the day.
Went to class and thought about you.
Wrote you a story while listening to a lecture.
Walked home thinking about if you were still here.
Talked to your daddy and tried not to bring you up.
Made lunch and choked it down.
Got on my blog to remind you how much I love you.