CYG Day 31- Sunset

I took this photo a couple of weeks ago while I was at work. The colors were just so brilliant I couldn't walk away.

This is the end of Capture Your Grief- a month that has helped me look within myself than I could have imagined.
I have found strength and weakness, healing and hurting.
Hopefully, I have come away from this stronger than before I started.

CYG Day 30- Your Grief

I struggled for days to write this post. I don't really know what to say.
My grief is all consuming, and doesn't relent long enough for me to feel human again.

I grieve for my little one's who never got to live.
I grieve for the probable loss of my fertility.
I grieve for the family I may never have.
I grieve for every other woman and family that goes through this horrid loss.
             Especially those women I have become close to- I hurt for them most.

This is a road and pain that so many women and families feel and deal with.
How they survive, I don't know...
I don't even know how I survive.

CYG Day 29- Music

This song has made me feel like I'm not alone in the feeling of helplessness. It is sad, but its beautiful, and calm.

When I went to look up today's prompt I was overcome by sadness that the month is nearly over. This journey has been amazing. It doesn't seem like much but it is. Especially with the recent issues with my body.
I want to thank CarlyMarie for putting this all into motion... its been a journey for so many. 

Day 28- Memories

This was the first year I did something. Previously I had tried to forget about everything. This was the turning point from attempting to forget to beginning to heal. The next year after this I sat on the planning board. My first Walk to Remember was my first big step to healing.

CYG Day 27- Art

I drew this a couple of years ago as a relief. I don't remember what was going on or why I had markers and paper in front of me, but this is what came of it.
I use photography, writing, and sketching as a creative outlet for my stress related to my grief. 

CYG Day 26- Their Age

I'm really bad with the whole counting pregnancy weeks (gestational versus actual and all that confusing crap), and since they were all early miscarriages its hard to have an exact number.
I posted Lilla at "2 weeks" because that was the time between ovulation and loss. The other three are the "age" the doctor told me after the fact. 

CYG Day 25- Shower/Blessings

This day doesn't really apply to me- early miscarriages don't get showers or blessings. We lose our little one too early for very many people to even care. My picture today is a photo I took tonight to make myself feel better.

CYG Day 24- Siblings

There are no siblings to take a photo of. 

We have no earth children,

there is no child to hold,

no baby to love,

no family to cherish every moment of.

Our arms are empty.

CYG Day 23- Their name(s)

CYG Day 22- Place of care/birth

There was no place of birth or "care" for our losses. Not with losses before 12 weeks. I went to multiple hospitals but never received more than the basic miscarriage care.
The only place my little ones knew was my body. 

CYG Day 21- Alter/Shrine/Sacred Place

We don't have any religious affiliation in our house so an alter or shrine is not something we have done to honor our losses. I do have what we call a "hope chest" that we have filled with the things that are most special to us. Candles, bears, cards, poems, and other things that we cherish.

It has a special place in our room, away from the public eye. 

They're our special little ones. 

The chest was made for us by a family friend.

I love our hope chest, its a special place I can go sit next to and go through when I feel sad.

CYG Day 20- Charity/Organization

I adore this organization- Forever Warm gave me a blanket to cuddle with every night after we lost Daniel. The work they do is amazing and brings so much comfort to so many families. As I perfect my ability to crochet I will be sending them blankets. 

CYG Day 19- Project

This is my personal project- I create online memorials for infant loss families. My goal is to create a memorial that anyone can visit to honor a child or baby that has died. My hope is that parent's are able to share these websites and give loved one's the chance to honor the child.
http://heavensnursery.webs.com/

CYG Day 18- Family Portrait

Today's assignment is a family portrait. Having lost each of my little ones before 12 weeks there are no pictures.

Just D and Me.

We are a family of 6, without 4. 

Without each other we are nothing. 

D and I keep our family alive.

Together we endure, together we cry, together we fight.

We are broken, but good.

CYG Day 17- Dates

I don't feel like this one needs much explanation...

CYG Day 16- Release

After moving to Montana I participated in my first Walk To Remember. D drove out to surprise me and was there to be with me as we, for the first time, remembered our babies.
The Walk To Remember was a beautiful annual memorial that included a candle light vigil, balloon release, and memory activity.
I was able to attend two of these before leaving Montana. I have not participated in another release since then.
Someday soon I hope to attend another memorial release. 

CYG Day 15- Wave of Light

This our personal memorial for October 15th. My dear friend, Emma and I set this up to remember not only our little ones, but all little ones who never get to take their first steps.
We decorated candle for each of our little ones (I did one for girls and one for boys) and then had a few extra candles for all little ones. We also did prayer flags that emulate the ones made for the CarlieMarie ceremony in Perth, Australia.

L: Emma's
R: Mine

K and L for Kylie and Lilla Bjorn
D and J for Daniel and James
Center candle made by Emma

Butterfly candle for all babies gone too soon 

CYG Day 14- Community

The infant loss community I am apart of is global. Every part of the world is affected by the loss of children. One of my closest infant loss friends is from Australia (and currently sitting in my kitchen!), while I work with a woman in the UK to make videos to display her work, while I have a very dear friend in Colorado. Thanks to the wonder of internet we have been able to come together to support each other when support is not available locally. 

CYG Day 13- Signal

When the snow starts to fall it feels like a signal. The earth becomes quite, the snow falls slowly, and the world seems calm.
I adore the snow. Curling up in a warm blanket, with a hot cup of coffee, and just watching the snow come down... its relaxing and it feels like a signal that the world is okay again.

CYG Day 12- Scent

The smell of candle smoke invokes sadness, but also a little comfort.
Candles are often lit as a memorial and as a comfort. Its a small something anyone can do.
I couldn't pick a single candle scent but the universal smell of an extinguished candle is my scent.