Support

I found the most amazing support group yesterday...
The women in this group are so helpful and so supportive.
Please don't any of you think David isn't supportive, I couldn't ask for more support from a more amazing man.
It's more the support of fellow women who have also suffered a miscarriage also. Women to cry with, women to support. They're so wonderful.

Welcoming a New Life

As much as I wish right now that the life I'm welcoming was a baby of my own it is not.
I'd like to welcome to the world:

Kylie Allison Clark

6 pounds 7 ounces

16.5 inches

Kylie Allison is the brand new baby girl of my friend Alice, and named in honor of my Kylie Rose.

Welcome to the world!!!

Welcoming Kylie Allison is bittersweet. I couldn't be happier to welcome a happy healthy baby to the world, yet the empty place in my heart seems to have widened. I feel jealous that this lovely baby was welcomed to the world, yet my children were not. They were taken before their life could even begin. I find it hard to cope with, but I have.

I'd also like to say, thank you those of you who have shown me the utmost support. I know it seems like this has dragged this on and on. And I appoligize. But thank you all for sticking in there with me and showing me the most amazing support.

Thank You.

Poems for healing

I found these poems on a website. They make me sad but at the same time I feel like they give me the little thing I've been looking for.

Dear Mommy,
Please don't be so sad, I miss you so much, too.

It's beautiful here where I am

But I worry a lot about you.
I sleep with angels watching me,

There's only love up here...I'm never lonely or afraid,

'Cause God's so very near.
I walk with Jesus every day

He's very kind and sweet.

Don't worry mom;

He holds my hand

When we cross a golden street.
I never cry or hurt myself

I see Grandma everyday...I play and laugh and sing a lot

And I hear you when you pray.
Please mommy, don't be mad at God

You see, He loves me too,

And even though you're not with me

I'm really still with you.

Please
PLEASE, don't ask me if I'm over it yet.I'll never be over it.
PLEASE, don't tell me he's in a better place.He isn't here with me.
PLEASE, don't say at least he isn't suffering.I haven't come to terms with why he had to suffer at all.
PLEASE, don't tell me you know how I feel,Unless you have lost a child.
PLEASE, don't ask me if I feel better.Bereavement isn't a condition that clears up.
PLEASE, don't tell me at least you had him for a little while.What time would you choose for your child to die?
PLEASE, don't tell me God never gives us more than we can bear.
PLEASE, just say you are sorry.
PLEASE, just say you remember my child, if you do.
PLEASE, just let me talk about my child.
PLEASE, mention my child's name.
PLEASE, just let me cry.

Getting through

How come now matter how good of a day I have by the end of the day I feel like I've been worn down by every psychological missile that can be thrown at me?
Even if I haven't had contact with anyone.
Its from fighting the constant urge to cry. I'm ok most of the time.
But so often something sets me off and I sit silently fighting the need to cry.
I feel so stupid, so dumb...
What should I do?
I feel so lost...

A fun little thing

Today I got my new shirt in the mail. Why you ask do I blog about it?

Because, just look -->

Its amazing!

Sorry, you cant see the last line it says:

October 2007

I love it so much!!!!
It was inspired by Angel Babies Forever Loved.
The writing is black with blue SPARKLY foot prints.
Everything is getting better.
I miss my babies everyday,
But as a wonderful friend told me
"They're closer to you now then anyone will ever be."

Glory Baby

I found this song and fell in love with it...

Glory baby you slipped away as fast as we could say baby…baby..
You were growing, what happened dear?
You disappeared on us baby…baby..
Heaven will hold you before we do Heaven will keep you safe until we’re home with you…
Until we’re home with you…
Miss you everyday
Miss you in every way
But we know there’s a day when we will hold you
We will hold you
You’ll kiss our tears away
When we’re home to stay
Can’t wait for the day when we will see you
We will see you
But baby let sweet Jesus hold you‘till mom and dad can hold you…
You’ll just have heaven before we do
You’ll just have heaven before we do
Sweet little babies, it’s hard to understand it ‘cause we’re hurting
We are hurting
But there is healing
And we know we’re stronger people through the growing
And in knowing-
That all things work together for our good
And God works His purposes just like He said He would…
Just like He said He would…
BRIDGE: I can’t imagine heaven’s lullabies
and what they must sound like
But I will rest in knowing, heaven is your home
And it’s all you’ll ever know…all you’ll ever know

How Can The World Be So Cruel?

How is it that every time I log on to CNN or any other news site that I come to find headlines about babies. And they're never good. Today it was "Newborn found in Bush". The other day it was "Newborn found in Dumpster". It was hard for me to look at these headlines before Kylie and James. But now... How can a mother be so desperate to discard her child she would abandon it in a god forsaken place. I understand Postpartum Depression. I do. I suffered from it. In today's headline the woman claimed she was not pregnant nor had she ever been, how can one be so delusional.
It makes me so sad that so many children are born into this world not loved, yet I would have given anything to have Kylie and James and love them with everything I had in me. Why is the world so cruel? Things like this make me question the possibility of a god. If god loves us all how can he leave a child to die in a dumpster? How can he take away unborn children from a capable mother? I'm not saying that I would be a capable mother as a college student, but for all those mothers who want children and can't.
I would give anything to save those babies who are abandoned, and I would give anything to have my babies back.

A Couple of Poems

So little
So tiny
Is she really human?
She’s no bigger than a fairy’s wing
But she’s my beautiful baby girl
Too fair to be born on earth
So she sleeps in angel’s arms
And plays in clouds above
But forever she’s my baby girl
And my love will never wane

You were gone so quickly
My handsome baby boy
It hurt your mama so badly
But I love you so much still
Every night I dream of you
And every day I miss you more
You would have been your daddy’s perfect boy,
And your mama’s little angel,
Someday Daddy and I will hold you close,
And you’ll be our handsome baby boy

I can’t speak for your daddy.
Only for myself,
And as your Mama you ought to know,
I love you more than life itself,
I can’t understand why you’ve gone,
And God will only know,
But you were both so beautiful,
Inside my tummy close,
I never felt so beautiful,
As when you were mine down here,
But now you’re both in heaven,
In a lovely angel’s arms,
I hope you like it there,
And are happy as can be,
Because down here on Earth
Your mama misses you so,
I try to live,
And I try to laugh,
But I cant always do that,
Because I lost you,
My beautiful children,
And that means I lost part of myself,
How do I fill that gap?
I haven’t figured it out,
Daddy says you wouldn’t want to see your mama sad,
So each day I laugh and smile,
I try to be the happy mama you deserve,
I love you both so much,

A good day

I had my first really good day in quite sometime. I never got really sad. I occasionally got a little sad, and thought about Kylie and James. But I was always able to think "They are in such a better place, that I'm glad they aren't suffering here on earth." I love my babies, and I will always wish that I had been able to give them a wonderful life, and that they had made it to term. But I've finally started to accept that what happened, happened, and I can't change it. What I can do is love them from afar and appreciate that they were given an eternity in heaven without the suffering of the mortals on earth.
God Bless.

The night

Tonight hasn't been as bad as past nights. But its still as hard as usual. I want so badly to move on and be happy, but I don't want to forget my babies.
I live in a dorm right now because I'm off at college. I have a small memorial set up to my angels on my desk. Its good enough for now. I hate being so far away from David. It makes everything harder. He's in Washington, I'm in Montana.
Since I've moved to Montana I feel like I've latched on to my babies more. I already lost them, I can't loose them again. They are the beacon of hope that some day I'll be out of school and living happily with their daddy. It feels so far away. My babies feel so far away.
When it all comes down to it I wish I still had them. I do. I know I wouldn't have been able to give them the best life out there... but I would have loved them more than life itself. I would have given them everything I could have. I would even trade my life right now for theirs if it meant they would be happy and healthy.
I miss them so much. It hurts physically. I try not to cry over them, they wouldn't want their mommy sad... but sometimes I just have to. I want to be their mommy. I want to hold them. I want to love them. I want to be needed.
I want nothing more than to be a mom. I know I have to wait.
As crazy as it sounds I want to be pregnant right now. I want to know I can give life the a healthy baby. It terrifies me not knowing if I'll ever have kids of my own. It does.
I love my angels. I can't wait until the day I get to hold them both in Heaven. Until then I wait till I can marry their daddy and have another baby to be their sibling.
God Bless.
I love you Kylie and James. I always will.