Coping? Not really.

It sucks that communication can break down to a point that is crippling.
Right now I can't talk to Dave.
I just can't.
Not because he's done anything wrong, but because I don't know how to communicate the unbelievable emotions I'm feeling.
I can barely do it here where I know almost no one will read it.

I'll try to list them to start-

• Lonely
• Scared
• Sad
• Angry
• Confused

Now I'll try to explain them-

Lonely: 

I don't have very many friends I can sit down and have a glass of wine with, let alone friends that I can sit down and talk to about how I'm feeling...

Scared: 

After your first loss you feel like you'll never be able to do anything right, by your fourth your about ready to throw in the towel. Yeah, that's how I'm feeling right now. I'm so afraid that I'm never going to have a baby to hold in my arms and watch grow. I'm afraid my inability to carry a child to term will result in a rift in my relationship with Dave. I'm just so scared.

Sad: 

I'm sad for multiple reasons... my inability to communicate with Dave. Each of my losses. The lack of a growing child in my life. Impatience. All these things contribute to my sadness. And for a few of them there's nothing I can do to change it.

Angry: 

Why does he not reach out? Sure he asks if I want to talk, but that's not really enough. I need him to take me in his arms and tell me its all going to be okay and that someday soon we'll have a child to hold. That's what I need, but if I tell him that exactly then it defeats the purpose...

Confused: 

Everything, all these emotions have left me dazed and confused. I just don't know what I want, who I am, or what I'm doing anymore.

This really didn't help me all that much... I had hoped it would...

Oh well.

Ow

Every few nights I cuddle up with Kylie bear so that I can fall asleep- and Dave curls up behind me, puts his arm around me and presses Kylie bear closer to my chest.

This is when it hits me the hardest.

At that moment- that is the closest we will ever be to being a "normal" family.

The, less than a tablespoon of ashes, contained within that bear is the closest I'll have to holding her. David holding the two of us is the closest we'll ever have to cuddling her.

That hurts.

Termination- not an evil

This post is currently being reposted non-stop on Facebook: 

Every abortion is One more heart that was stopped. Two more eyes that will never see. Two more hands that will never touch. Two more legs that will never run. One more mouth that will never speak. If you’re against abortion, repost.

What if I do this:

One more heart that was stopped. Two more eyes that will never see. Two more hands that will never touch. Two more legs that will never run. One more mouth that will never speak. If you’re missing the baby in your life that was taken too soon, repost.

Now we've got a post that is no longer offensive to the mother's that have chosen to terminate pregnancies for any reason.

Abortions are part of this world, whether or not you "believe" in them. And the choice is made for many reasons. Some women chose abortion because their baby isn't "compatible with life", others because its not the right time. I don't judge these women. I want to give them each a hug and tell them they did the right thing. No one can tell them they're wrong. No one knows their story like they do. 

People get on their high horse and say "Abortion is wrong!"  Are you including ALL abortion? Spontaneous, medical, surgical?

Yes?

Then you're turning one in four women into "evil people" because they've suffered a loss that they couldn't control.
You're continuing the victimization of women who have suffered rape, sexual abuse, and incest.
You can be blamed for the continuation of class warfare as you tell a low income woman who can't afford a baby that she must provide for a child. 

Abortion is NOT black and white.
Stop making it so. 

Amazing women

The last few days have shown me that there are some amazing women in this world.
While still confused, I no longer feel quite so alone.
Lilla has been accepted by the two women who really matter to me, Kendra and Emma.
Her aunties love her. And accept her as equal to the rest of our angels. Not just a "pregnancy loss".
Emma did a beautiful photo for her, and one for each of her siblings. They touched my heart so deeply.
Kendra has stepped up to be the most supportive person I've ever met. Texting me, and making sure I'm okay.

I love both these women so very very much!

by Emma May

Empty

I just feel empty.
What's the point of tomorrow?
Or for that fact, whats the point of today.
My body has failed 4 times.
I'm just tired,
Ready to be done for now.

Lilla Bjorn

For my own healing I've decided that I will accept my most recent loss as what it is, a loss. (If you haven't heard, here's the blog about it -> here)
Fighting it has made me angry, resentful, and easy to lash out at everyone around me.
It better for me to accept it and move forward in the healing process then fight it and hurt myself only further.
To follow with tradition I will honor the loss of a tiny life with a name.
Out of line with tradition it will not be a name like Kylie, James, or Daniel.
This little one's name is Lilla Bjorn.
It means "little bear" in swedish.
I was torn between finding a Hawai'ian name in honor of where this little life came and went in Hawai'i, but felt that it was only right, since I was the only one who knew them, to give them a name that meant something very dear to me.
Lilla Bjorn... little bear... gender neutral, but with a story dear to my heart.

Lilla björn,
Jag vet inte vad jag ska säga till dig egentligen, men här är mitt försök.
Du kom och gick så fort att jag aldrig fick säga hej, bara adjö.
Jag kommer att använda detta tillfälle att säga Hej. Hej lilla.
Jag visste inte dig, men jag älskar dig.
kärlek,
Mamma

Acting out

Since the loss of a pregnancy (it feels wrong to say that) last month I've been unsure how to feel about the situation.

Usually, I can just not think about it, but I find myself lashing out at others.
I couldn't figure out why, but it hit me like a brick wall today.

Its my way of coping with yet another loss.
The confusion, attempts to forget, and everything else have made it worse.
There was never a "baby" not even an embryo. It was literally an egg that had nothing viable but sent my body into pregnancy alert.
I wouldn't have even known if I hadn't started bleeding earlier than my usual period.
Usually when one looses an infant they mourn the loss of dreams and a future.

But what am I upset about? There isn't anything I should be upset about.
Is it that another chance came and went without letting me have any input?
Is it that I screwed up my birth control and put Dave's future in danger?

I think I'm angry and lashing out because of both these things.

I still don't know how to feel, or what to think, and mostly this is just word vomit on a screen as I try to sort things out.

But here's my apology: I'm sorry to those I've lashed out at. I hope that I can repair what I have damaged and find a better outlet for my emotions.

Local statisitics

While working on a paper I was given these statistics from a local hospital:

We had 425 births here in 2009 and 3 of those were fetal demises

We had 398 births here is 2010 and 3 of those were fetal demises

This doesn't include miscarriage or death after birth.

Some Days

Some days things don't go as smooth as planned, and sometimes the grief hurts just that much more.
I've gone months without crying, but the last three days have been unbelievably painful.
Don't ask me what started it, or what perpetuates it.
I just know it needs to stop.
Am I losing him again?
Daniel, are you leaving me again? Are you disappearing again? Where are you going?
Please don't leave me...