"The mention of my baby's name may bring tears to my eyes,
But it will always bring music to my ears."
This quote is unbelievably important to me, and I wish I could get more of my friends to understand.
AS I've said before it would just help if they would ask how I'm doing or reach out to me. I'm at a loss of what else to say or do. I need their help, but being straight forward isn't seeming to get me anywhere. Why do people think that leaving someone alone is the best course of action when something bad happens to them? I just don't get it, or comprehend it.
Being left alone hurts so much.
Monday, July 27, 2009
Sunday, July 26, 2009
Angry
In my search for help over the internet, (which has turned up few results, but those it has having been total blessings) I have discovered a website that has put a lot of my feelings and resentments into words:
http://fly.to/OperationAngel
"A ministry to the many hundreds of women who have experienced the pain and trauma of a miscarriage, stillborn or neonatal death. You may have experienced this tragedy yourself. If so, I pray God will use my testimony to minister to you. It's discouraging that our friends and church family don't know how to react or treat us when they find out we've had such a loss. For you who have experienced a miscarriage, because we have no body to bury, no one brings food, sends cards or gives words of comfort.
People act as if it weren't really a baby. Rather than keeping quiet and giving hugs and comfort, they usually respond in ways that hurt us even more deeply. Things like, 'Well, at least you lost it before you got to hold it or get attached to it!', or 'It never was a real baby anyway. You're young, you can always have another one.' I'm sure you've heard these quotes and many others from well meaning people. I don't think people mean to be hurtful, they just don't know what to do."
People I love more than my own life have hurt me worse than they can ever imagine. Their unknown ignorance of how much this all really hurts me is tearing me apart. The only loving things said to me in the last two years pertaining to any of my angels have been from complete strangers, (Not including the amazing things David has said to me). The people who tell me they will bend over backwards for me, and help me any time I need them have turned a deaf ear to my pleas of help... because they don't understand and don't want to understand. I have done my best to be open and help them to help me. Yet no one seems to step forward and say "You're asking for help.. what can I do?" Unlike the author, I never wanted my friends to stay quiet, I wanted them to reach out after I had asked for help.
Besides David and Emma very few people outside of my support groups have recognized my angels as people, as humans, as babies that were here and full of life. I have heard that "It wasn't the right time" and "It's better this way" so many times that I can say that I'm dieing a little on the inside. It hurts so much, all of it.
David has been so strong through all of this, and he tries so hard to help me. He reaches out and comforts me. He does an amazing job. The hardest part is when he asks what he can do for me... I don't know what to ask...
I'd like to ask him to be the one to bring our angels up every once in a while... to ask how I'm doing pertaining to our angels... to show the raw emotion he sometimes feels. I know he cried the night we lost Daniel, but never in front of me. It hurts so much to feel so alone.
If one of my friends had just sent a card or email saying "I'm sorry for your loss, I'm thinking of you"... wow... I would have been blown away and forever grateful. But not even a text or a call after I started letting people know.
It's hard enough to say good bye to my angels, but to have to go through the process nearly alone... that will surely kill me.
http://fly.to/OperationAngel
"A ministry to the many hundreds of women who have experienced the pain and trauma of a miscarriage, stillborn or neonatal death. You may have experienced this tragedy yourself. If so, I pray God will use my testimony to minister to you. It's discouraging that our friends and church family don't know how to react or treat us when they find out we've had such a loss. For you who have experienced a miscarriage, because we have no body to bury, no one brings food, sends cards or gives words of comfort.
People act as if it weren't really a baby. Rather than keeping quiet and giving hugs and comfort, they usually respond in ways that hurt us even more deeply. Things like, 'Well, at least you lost it before you got to hold it or get attached to it!', or 'It never was a real baby anyway. You're young, you can always have another one.' I'm sure you've heard these quotes and many others from well meaning people. I don't think people mean to be hurtful, they just don't know what to do."
People I love more than my own life have hurt me worse than they can ever imagine. Their unknown ignorance of how much this all really hurts me is tearing me apart. The only loving things said to me in the last two years pertaining to any of my angels have been from complete strangers, (Not including the amazing things David has said to me). The people who tell me they will bend over backwards for me, and help me any time I need them have turned a deaf ear to my pleas of help... because they don't understand and don't want to understand. I have done my best to be open and help them to help me. Yet no one seems to step forward and say "You're asking for help.. what can I do?" Unlike the author, I never wanted my friends to stay quiet, I wanted them to reach out after I had asked for help.
Besides David and Emma very few people outside of my support groups have recognized my angels as people, as humans, as babies that were here and full of life. I have heard that "It wasn't the right time" and "It's better this way" so many times that I can say that I'm dieing a little on the inside. It hurts so much, all of it.
David has been so strong through all of this, and he tries so hard to help me. He reaches out and comforts me. He does an amazing job. The hardest part is when he asks what he can do for me... I don't know what to ask...
I'd like to ask him to be the one to bring our angels up every once in a while... to ask how I'm doing pertaining to our angels... to show the raw emotion he sometimes feels. I know he cried the night we lost Daniel, but never in front of me. It hurts so much to feel so alone.
If one of my friends had just sent a card or email saying "I'm sorry for your loss, I'm thinking of you"... wow... I would have been blown away and forever grateful. But not even a text or a call after I started letting people know.
It's hard enough to say good bye to my angels, but to have to go through the process nearly alone... that will surely kill me.
Reflections
I haven't even reached my twentieth birthday and I find myself with three angel babies. I am a total outcast, both as a once pregnant teenager, and as an angel's mom.
Being an angel's mom is ignored enough by everyone who isn't touched by it. Most angel moms I've met have been older than me and and a lot of times I feel looked down upon for being an "irresponsible teenager". I was never irresponsible... accidents happen. Blessings happen...
I miss all of my angels so much. I was doing so well in coping and not missing Kylie and James to the point it was slowly killing me. Now that Daniel has returned to heaven too... What's a mother to do with all of her babies in heaven.
I've been blessed to find Emma, a fellow young angel mom. She's been a blessing from the beginning. Although we're 10,000 miles apart we still have a connection that's saved me from myself.
Being an angel's mom is ignored enough by everyone who isn't touched by it. Most angel moms I've met have been older than me and and a lot of times I feel looked down upon for being an "irresponsible teenager". I was never irresponsible... accidents happen. Blessings happen...
I miss all of my angels so much. I was doing so well in coping and not missing Kylie and James to the point it was slowly killing me. Now that Daniel has returned to heaven too... What's a mother to do with all of her babies in heaven.
I've been blessed to find Emma, a fellow young angel mom. She's been a blessing from the beginning. Although we're 10,000 miles apart we still have a connection that's saved me from myself.
Saturday, July 25, 2009
Links
I've added some links on the left hand side that are helpful/meaningful to me ect... the last three are memorials for my angels, please feel free to leave notes and prayers on Daniel's guest book. Anything that is written just helps the healing a little more. Thank you.
I'm sorry
Wow it's been about 3 months since I've written, and I'm really sorry. Not that really anyone reads this... Well let me fill you in on everything that has happened:
Alice's daughter Kylie passed away, and so did her husband. They're all in heaven together.
I got pregnant Mother's day weekend but lost the baby 7 weeks later, on June 12th. We named the baby, Daniel Bishop. He's safe and sound in heaven with Kylie and James. We miss him greatly.
I know this all sounds like a report, but so much has really happened and I'm just trying to get it all back in order in my head.
Sleep is hard to capture at all, David does his best to help me relax but often I find that I don't even know what he can do to help.
I've become very involved with a local group that puts on a mass memorial every year for "infant loss" but it's really only made me feel more isolated I've discovered. We're making care packages for families that have suffered from a loss of a baby... but what about woman like me? Who don't go to the hospital, who just go to a clinic or their personal doctor after the fact. We are left to fend for ourselves. No one helps us, we aren't given a teddy bear or a blanket to remember our angel by... we're abandoned. It's really hard, I feel so lost and without a place to go. I have found some great women to talk to online, and they've all been god sends. Yet, I still feel myself struggling and it's really really hard...
Alice's daughter Kylie passed away, and so did her husband. They're all in heaven together.
I got pregnant Mother's day weekend but lost the baby 7 weeks later, on June 12th. We named the baby, Daniel Bishop. He's safe and sound in heaven with Kylie and James. We miss him greatly.
I know this all sounds like a report, but so much has really happened and I'm just trying to get it all back in order in my head.
Sleep is hard to capture at all, David does his best to help me relax but often I find that I don't even know what he can do to help.
I've become very involved with a local group that puts on a mass memorial every year for "infant loss" but it's really only made me feel more isolated I've discovered. We're making care packages for families that have suffered from a loss of a baby... but what about woman like me? Who don't go to the hospital, who just go to a clinic or their personal doctor after the fact. We are left to fend for ourselves. No one helps us, we aren't given a teddy bear or a blanket to remember our angel by... we're abandoned. It's really hard, I feel so lost and without a place to go. I have found some great women to talk to online, and they've all been god sends. Yet, I still feel myself struggling and it's really really hard...
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