I have a need to write, a way to keep myself busy, the need to vent. I don't know what to really say, and I don't feel like I have the right to bitch.
A friend of mine just lost twins... her fourth and fifth babies to become angels. I feel so horrible for her and wish I could do something for her. I've tried to comfort her and it's amazing the good and evil that come from the web. She's having such a rough time with evil people on the internet and I try to make up for it at least a little bit. I know I can't do much, but I do try.
I'm having chest pain on and off, I think its from the anxiety. I have three exams over the next few days and I'm a little anxious about that. I thought I was doing so much better but this last week has been like a sinking hole. I feel myself sinking a little bit everyday. Never a huge drop, but definitely a downward slope.
Part of me is questioning whether or not I have the right to grieve... a miscarriage surely can't be as horrible as a stillbirth, or after birth death. Maybe I'm being dumb and I shouldn't have named the fetuses that grew within me... it feels so wrong to say that. I feel like a traitor for typing that... but I won't delete it, because I need to get it out. I feel confused as I talk to other moms who have had losses, but they're all stillborn or after birth death moms. I'm one of the few who are mourning a first trimester loss.
Emma is my saving grace, Tabby right along with her. Those two women are probably the only women who understand my trials and tribulations. They are my earth angels.
I know I shouldn't want to, but I god I want to start trying for another pregnancy. I don't know why... I'm scared out of my mind, I know everything that can go wrong! I want to have an enjoyable pregnancy... I doubt that will ever happen. I'm so scared but everything inside me screams "TRY AGAIN, WE CAN DO THIS." I know David doesn't want this yet, and my parent's wouldn't appreciate me being pregnant at this moment in time. I hate feeling this way. I really really do. It's like knowing I need water but not being able to have any.
I don't know anymore. Game over I'm done for right now.
of course you have the right to grieve,you are a mother who loves her babies so very very much.
ReplyDeletesending you huge hugs and much much love .amanda.hand xxxxxx
Kirsten,
ReplyDeleteThe length of gestation really doesn't matter, what does matter is that a baby died and you have every right to grieve that loss. I can tell you from personal experience that yes stillbirth and miscarriage are very differnet things, but as you know the end result is the same. My first was still born but I also had two miscarriages in between my living daughters. I consider myself a mom to 5 even tough only 2 can be seen.
Heather