Fog

I feel like I'm battling through a never ending fog...
I feel like I'm getting closer to the end and suddenly it gets thick again. I wish there was some way for my to hold my baby girl again, or even a baby doll that size. That would make me so happy. I found a doll online that is about 4 weeks bigger than Kylie was, but it's as close as I'll ever get to the right size. It's so cute and just looking at it makes me happy.
( ((here's the link)) http://www.littleangelsonlinestore.com/Store/proddetail.php?prod=7523bi )
I just lost my job so I can't really afford it right now, but maybe this spring. I dont know but I can dream.
Christmas is coming, maybe I'll get enough money from family and friends to make it a christmas gift to myself. I dont know, but we'll see what happens.
Last night was really rough, I was such a wreck. I miss Kylie so much. Today's been much better.
I actually opened up to one of my professors today, my english professor. She was so understanding and wanted to do whatever she could to help me and my fiance. I told her we were ok. Grieving still but ok. She told me the grieving would lessen but never really go away. I guess I was a little disapointed to hear that I'd never stop hurting, but I guess I knew that.
I can't wait to be pregnant again, not to replace Kylie or James, but to fufill the motherly urges coursing through me. I can wait, don't get me wrong, I want everything to be perfect the next time I'm pregnant. I know David and I will make everything perfect and have a wonderful life in the future, I'm just a little impatient lol.