Tonight hasn't been as bad as past nights. But its still as hard as usual. I want so badly to move on and be happy, but I don't want to forget my babies.
I live in a dorm right now because I'm off at college. I have a small memorial set up to my angels on my desk. Its good enough for now. I hate being so far away from David. It makes everything harder. He's in Washington, I'm in Montana.
Since I've moved to Montana I feel like I've latched on to my babies more. I already lost them, I can't loose them again. They are the beacon of hope that some day I'll be out of school and living happily with their daddy. It feels so far away. My babies feel so far away.
When it all comes down to it I wish I still had them. I do. I know I wouldn't have been able to give them the best life out there... but I would have loved them more than life itself. I would have given them everything I could have. I would even trade my life right now for theirs if it meant they would be happy and healthy.
I miss them so much. It hurts physically. I try not to cry over them, they wouldn't want their mommy sad... but sometimes I just have to. I want to be their mommy. I want to hold them. I want to love them. I want to be needed.
I want nothing more than to be a mom. I know I have to wait.
As crazy as it sounds I want to be pregnant right now. I want to know I can give life the a healthy baby. It terrifies me not knowing if I'll ever have kids of my own. It does.
I love my angels. I can't wait until the day I get to hold them both in Heaven. Until then I wait till I can marry their daddy and have another baby to be their sibling.
God Bless.
I love you Kylie and James. I always will.
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