I feel like there's nothing for me to do, no way for me to help myself. I can buy as much baby clothes, teddy bears, books, ect and still not feel any better. Writing really doesn't help as much as I wish it would either. I don't know what I want.
I failed Daniel and David. I couldn't keep Daniel safe, and I couldn't give David his son healthy and happy.
There's a little less than a month before Daniel's due date and I'm already having melt downs. Things got better for a little while but I feel like I'm slipping back down the slippery slope to depression.
If I let depression win again I will have let down David again. I can't do that.
I try writing, and drawing, and exercising, and cooking, and hanging out with friends, but none of them give any relief to the empty bleeding hole in my heart.
Recently, I've been fighting the maternal urge to be pregnant again. David doesn't want to get pregnant right now and I completely respect that. Honestly, I don't want to either. I want to finish school and get married before I even think about having a baby.
I think a lot of people misconstrue what I mean when I say "I wish I was pregnant". What I mean is I wish I was pregnant with Daniel. Not pregnant with another baby. I'm not ready to accept another baby... I want my Daniel. My baby Daniel.
I've also been asked why I don't "Want" to be pregnant with Kylie and James. Because they should be a little over a year and a half old, they should be running around. But I've also come to accept that they are safe in Heaven's nursery. My stages of grief have settled into acceptance about Kylie and James. It doesn't mean I love them any less or that I miss them any less.
The grief for Daniel is still raw. I can't get through a day without being upset about my tiny angel. I miss him. God I miss him.
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