I don't really blog anymore. I've been trying to focus on the positive, and my new job, and being a good wife. Sometimes I can't focus on the positive anymore and just need to let the morbid and sad out. Sorry that's all you get to read here. This is my safe spot, my venting spot, my place to say the things I can't say to anyone.
We have safely arrived at 19 weeks. Not without some problems- preterm labor at 17 weeks being one of them. Unfortunately, one of my most prominent thoughts at this point is not "I will bring home my baby", but "If I lose my baby I'll at least be able to hold them and bury them and remember them openly." I'm ashamed of it. Being positive and happy and believing I'm bringing home a baby should be at the front of my mind, yet I'm just happy that I'll be able to hold my baby no matter what. Even if we don't get to bring them home...
It's October- Infant Loss Awareness Month. This is the month I usually become quite active in the loss community. This year I find myself pulling away. I'm not sure why, probably because I feel like that if I am there to be part of it people will wonder why I'm don't love the baby I'm currently carrying. It's not that I don't love my baby, its that my baby doesn't replace my LO's. My LO's will always be there and I'm not going to forget them. Sure I may heal to a point where I'm not feeling the need to constantly be actively remembering them, or even may come to a point where I don't think about them every day, but they will always be part of me. Maybe this is what "moving on" is? I don't know.
While writing this I really debated whether or not I should make this last confession. Really that's what this blog post has been. But this is my safe place and I'm just going to put it out there to make myself feel better, so its out there...
Sometimes when I start getting really stressed about bringing home baby, or what comes after pregnancy I have an intrusive thought. (If you don't know what intrusive thoughts are, stop here and do a quick wiki search).
The though is, "It's okay, this we probably wont make it that far." What the actual fuck self? There's nothing more I want in this world than to hold my baby and bring them home to a loving family, but here I am saying shit like that to myself? It makes me ashamed and wishing I wasn't pregnant because I don't deserve it. I don't deserve a rainbow baby if I can't appreciate them. Does this make me a bad mother? Or someone dealing with grief in a weird way? I don't know but it haunts me...
We have safely arrived at 19 weeks. Not without some problems- preterm labor at 17 weeks being one of them. Unfortunately, one of my most prominent thoughts at this point is not "I will bring home my baby", but "If I lose my baby I'll at least be able to hold them and bury them and remember them openly." I'm ashamed of it. Being positive and happy and believing I'm bringing home a baby should be at the front of my mind, yet I'm just happy that I'll be able to hold my baby no matter what. Even if we don't get to bring them home...
It's October- Infant Loss Awareness Month. This is the month I usually become quite active in the loss community. This year I find myself pulling away. I'm not sure why, probably because I feel like that if I am there to be part of it people will wonder why I'm don't love the baby I'm currently carrying. It's not that I don't love my baby, its that my baby doesn't replace my LO's. My LO's will always be there and I'm not going to forget them. Sure I may heal to a point where I'm not feeling the need to constantly be actively remembering them, or even may come to a point where I don't think about them every day, but they will always be part of me. Maybe this is what "moving on" is? I don't know.
While writing this I really debated whether or not I should make this last confession. Really that's what this blog post has been. But this is my safe place and I'm just going to put it out there to make myself feel better, so its out there...
Sometimes when I start getting really stressed about bringing home baby, or what comes after pregnancy I have an intrusive thought. (If you don't know what intrusive thoughts are, stop here and do a quick wiki search).
The though is, "It's okay, this we probably wont make it that far." What the actual fuck self? There's nothing more I want in this world than to hold my baby and bring them home to a loving family, but here I am saying shit like that to myself? It makes me ashamed and wishing I wasn't pregnant because I don't deserve it. I don't deserve a rainbow baby if I can't appreciate them. Does this make me a bad mother? Or someone dealing with grief in a weird way? I don't know but it haunts me...
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