Strange Place

I've found myself in a strange place in my grieving...
I'm completely at peace with my loss of the twins. Yes, I miss them but it doesn't hurt like it used to. Its a fact of life now, and I can deal with it. It makes sense- its been over 3 years since they each returned to Heaven.
In contrast my pain from the loss of Daniel seems to be a roller coaster, worse and better depending on the day. Last week was great. Yesterday was fine. Today was horrible.
Today was heartbreakingly painfully horrible. I don't know why, or what set it off. Part of me wanted to just fall asleep forever so I'd never have to live another day without Daniel. Part of me wanted to go out and buy him another teddy bear (he really doesn't need another one...) Part of me wanted to beg Dave to let us get pregnant again, do whatever it took to get him to say yes, I knew it would be useless but maybe I'd feel better... probably not. Nothing I could think of would make me feel even remotely better. I can't think of anything right now that would make me feel better.
Tomorrow will be better, no way tomorrow could be worse than today.