Roller Coaster

I guess that's the only way to describe how I'm feeling... dealing with a roller coaster.
A roller coaster that never reaches its highs.
Stuck in a divot rocking back and forth to get out.
The counselor I saw yesterday pushed me into chasm that is darker and deeper than any other hole I've dealt with before.
My need to carry a baby to term burns deep within me. But can I say this to anyone here?
Anyone I'm sitting with at this moment?
Absolutely not.
They'll roll their eyes, or sigh in impatience, or give me that look of pity.
They think "poor stupid girl, what a stupid wish. she's young! she should live!"
If only they could see the torture and pain I deal with on a daily basis.
Yes, having a baby here on Earth is live changing.
Everything changes, and it changes forever.
With a baby in Heaven I can go back to "normalcy" and "live" as a young woman of 21 should by popular standards.
What if that's not the life I want?
I don't want to party, I don't want to drink.
I want to hold my baby every day.
Put him to bed every night.
Get up to take care of him when he cries in the middle of the night.
The idea of having a baby here scares the shit out of me.
It really does.
But if it helps heal this pain, and stops the aching in my arms...
I think the fear would be worth it.
We only get once chance to live the life we're given. You can do it "right" or you can roll with what it hands you.
Why should I wait to have kids until I'm 30? I want to be a young mother, to be able to keep up with my kids as they grow.
"You should travel and see the world! You won't be able to do that once you have kids!"
1- you're wrong, I will be able to travel with my kids. And I plan on doing such.
2- yeah, I'm going to travel the world right now while I'm tied down in a podunk town going to school working minimum wage... why shouldn't I wait until my kids are out of the house, I'm well established, and have money to travel and really enjoy it all?
Maybe I am rushing in attempts to lessen the void left in my heart by the passing of my angels.
Can you blame me? Really?
I want to hold a baby close, to feel his skin, and breath his scent.