30 minutes ago, in the midst of a cleaning spree, I lost it.
Completely and totally lost it.
I sat in the middle of my hallway and sobbed.
It felt good.
My daughter is asleep in her room after a long day of running errands, while I try to prep the house for the arrival of guests.
But I couldn't hold it in. I just had to cry.
I broke down.
Its been long enough from my losses that I don't feel sad all the time. In fact sadness is fleeting. My rainbow baby keeps me busy and fills my life with joy (and some stress, lets be honest).
The holidays are here, there's no denying it. The presents are wrapped, family is traveling to us, and my husband wont stop bothering me about what I got him for Christmas...
And yet there is a nagging emptiness deep inside me. An emptiness that rears it's ugly head every Christmas.
Life would be so very very different if I had never experienced a loss... two 7 years olds, a 5 year old, and a 3 year old along with my almost 2 year old... We most likely wouldn't have the life we have now at all.
I love the life I have with my husband and daughter.
It feels so selfish. I miss them, but I know life would be so unbelievably different.
Tonight I broke. It hasn't happened in a long time, but today it did.
And that's okay.
I'm picking myself up now.
I'm starting dinner and tidying the toys my little tornado has strewn through our home.
I miss my little ones. I grieve them still.
But I must be strong for my rainbow and husband. They deserve a happy and beautiful Christmas with a loving wife and mother.
Be gentle with yourselves this holiday season.
Completely and totally lost it.
I sat in the middle of my hallway and sobbed.
It felt good.
My daughter is asleep in her room after a long day of running errands, while I try to prep the house for the arrival of guests.
But I couldn't hold it in. I just had to cry.
I broke down.
Its been long enough from my losses that I don't feel sad all the time. In fact sadness is fleeting. My rainbow baby keeps me busy and fills my life with joy (and some stress, lets be honest).
The holidays are here, there's no denying it. The presents are wrapped, family is traveling to us, and my husband wont stop bothering me about what I got him for Christmas...
And yet there is a nagging emptiness deep inside me. An emptiness that rears it's ugly head every Christmas.
Life would be so very very different if I had never experienced a loss... two 7 years olds, a 5 year old, and a 3 year old along with my almost 2 year old... We most likely wouldn't have the life we have now at all.
I love the life I have with my husband and daughter.
It feels so selfish. I miss them, but I know life would be so unbelievably different.
Tonight I broke. It hasn't happened in a long time, but today it did.
And that's okay.
I'm picking myself up now.
I'm starting dinner and tidying the toys my little tornado has strewn through our home.
I miss my little ones. I grieve them still.
But I must be strong for my rainbow and husband. They deserve a happy and beautiful Christmas with a loving wife and mother.
Be gentle with yourselves this holiday season.
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