I grew up with this fairy tale idea of pregnancy.
And then I suffered loss, like many women, and my ideas of pregnancy began to crumble but I held out some hope.
Now that I'm at 33 weeks with my beautiful daughter any childish ideals of pregnancy are gone. And I feel a little bit cheated.
Everyone talks about how wonderful, natural, and even 'easy' pregnancy is. Our bodies are 'built for it', its some of the 'greatest moments of your life'.
I call complete bullshit on all of it.
Everyone knows the first trimester sucks because of morning sickness, and the high risk of loss. But after that they only talk about the 'glow' and feeling the baby kick.
It doesn't seem like anyone is ever honest about the discomfort, physical and mental pain, how insecure you feel, the gross things that go with pregnancy. Honestly, pregnancy has been a shit show for me. I feel cheated out of my 'amazing' experience. I find myself hoping that she comes a little bit early (like between 35-37 weeks) so I can just be done with this. It is completely selfish, but I want to be able to breathe again, and be able to roll over in bed without pain or help.
In our second trimester I suffered a stroke that while it has left me with minimal damage has made my job with numbers harder for me. We also had our first bout of preterm labor- which thankfully has not made a return since. Thankfully, the third trimester has been pretty laid back minus the discomfort of pregnancy.
Mental health wise this pregnancy has taken a huge toll on me. I have a history of anxiety and depression and the added hormones and stresses of pregnancy are not helping the situation in any way, shape, or form. It seems like every few days I'm melting down into an uncontrollable mess of tears. What happened to the smiling happy pregnant lady that is excited for her daughter? In reality its a mask to get me through the day.
The worst part is I find myself resenting my daughter. She is my heart and soul and the answer to every dream I've had... yet here I am wishing I could evict her from my body early. When she kicks me in the ribs and makes me nauseas from the pain. Or when she sits high in my lungs making breathing difficult and upping my anxiety. Or when I lay down to sleep finally and she decides that this is the best time to explore every corner of my abdominal cavity.
I want her to be healthy and come on her own terms, but I don't know how much more of this experience I can take without loosing my mind and hating her... I'm a horrible human being.
And then I suffered loss, like many women, and my ideas of pregnancy began to crumble but I held out some hope.
Now that I'm at 33 weeks with my beautiful daughter any childish ideals of pregnancy are gone. And I feel a little bit cheated.
Everyone talks about how wonderful, natural, and even 'easy' pregnancy is. Our bodies are 'built for it', its some of the 'greatest moments of your life'.
I call complete bullshit on all of it.
Everyone knows the first trimester sucks because of morning sickness, and the high risk of loss. But after that they only talk about the 'glow' and feeling the baby kick.
It doesn't seem like anyone is ever honest about the discomfort, physical and mental pain, how insecure you feel, the gross things that go with pregnancy. Honestly, pregnancy has been a shit show for me. I feel cheated out of my 'amazing' experience. I find myself hoping that she comes a little bit early (like between 35-37 weeks) so I can just be done with this. It is completely selfish, but I want to be able to breathe again, and be able to roll over in bed without pain or help.
In our second trimester I suffered a stroke that while it has left me with minimal damage has made my job with numbers harder for me. We also had our first bout of preterm labor- which thankfully has not made a return since. Thankfully, the third trimester has been pretty laid back minus the discomfort of pregnancy.
Mental health wise this pregnancy has taken a huge toll on me. I have a history of anxiety and depression and the added hormones and stresses of pregnancy are not helping the situation in any way, shape, or form. It seems like every few days I'm melting down into an uncontrollable mess of tears. What happened to the smiling happy pregnant lady that is excited for her daughter? In reality its a mask to get me through the day.
The worst part is I find myself resenting my daughter. She is my heart and soul and the answer to every dream I've had... yet here I am wishing I could evict her from my body early. When she kicks me in the ribs and makes me nauseas from the pain. Or when she sits high in my lungs making breathing difficult and upping my anxiety. Or when I lay down to sleep finally and she decides that this is the best time to explore every corner of my abdominal cavity.
I want her to be healthy and come on her own terms, but I don't know how much more of this experience I can take without loosing my mind and hating her... I'm a horrible human being.
No comments:
Post a Comment
Your comments and feedback are important to me!