Sex

Okay, I'm going to go in to some uncharted territory on this blog but I really need to... so you've been warned.

Is there a time table to when I should start enjoying sex again? Its been almost a year since we lost Daniel and I find myself still feeling unbelievably guilty when having sex. Part of me says its because I feel like I need to be punished for failing to take care of Daniel, and part of me says its because I'm so afraid of getting pregnant again.
Not having sex is so hard on my relationship, and honestly a huge part of my relationship is based around the ability for me to perform in the bedroom on a fairly regular basis. This isn't because D is sex crazed or anything, but our relationship needs its physical aspect in balance with everything else. Everything needs to stay balanced... and since I'm not even balanced in my head how can I expect myself to keep my relationship perfectly balanced?
I hate that when I do feel "turned on" or ready for sex that I suddenly over think and become afraid that I'm going to be done and ready to do something else before he's done too. There is nothing that makes me feel worse than not satisfying D.
I gained weight after I lost Daniel and it has made me really self consious about my body, and of course when having sex everything is out there for D to see. Its horrible to look down at myself and see what I hate most in this world: my belly. Its horrible, ugly and jiggly and blegh. I hate it. I know people are probably thinking "oh go work out and get over yourself, if you hate yourself that much you can change it"... thanks for the support... anyways I do work out as much as I can bring myself too and I try to eat better than I used to. Its hard... The motivation to better myself isn't there when I hate myself so bloody much...